ok, i'm sorry, i'm not a huge fan of this style, where it's like a script in a play... and i'm not a fan of the coupling... as previously stated, grammar is not that great, and if more time was spent on it i think you'd do fine... but i feel as if you rushed the story, like you were just slapping it together and throwing it online... i dunno, it just... doesn't feel proper to me... since someone has already offered to give advice, i won't (unless asked) and truthfully, for a shinran story... i just.... don't think i'd want to help write it... i mean, i can give ideas and edit and such... but writing a shinran is... torture for me... if i'm to write a shinran, i'll always write an alternate ending so that i won't kill myself after finishing the story... anyways... the story seems to be interesting from everything i've read so far, but unless the grammar and style of writing changes, i don't know if i'll continue...
anyways, good luck, and i'll be back sometime to check this out, and i'll decide then whethere i continue to read or not. I wish you the best
~Kiel