Alleangean1412 2 Report post Posted February 19, 2011 The Mysterious New Student “Hey guys did you hear about the new student?” Ayumi asked. It had been a long time since all five of the Junior Detective League were in the same class, almost a year. “Yeah, they say the student’s name is ‘Tsubasa Hatake’.” Mitsuhiko added. “Quite a nice name, I guess.” “Conan-kun, Why are you so late today?” Ayumi asked. “Yeah, Conan this is the first time you’re so late” Mitsuhiko asked. “Actually I needed to get something done” Conan said as he sat down on his desk next to Ai’s desk. He asked her “Hey, Haibara any progress on the antidote?” to which she sarcastically replied “I can’t complete it without all the data about it.” “But I thought on the case where we infiltrated the Black Organization’s base with the FBI, you got all the information you needed.” “Actually it had more information about the targets of the Organization’s earlier assassinations. Plus who was the one who let the computer break when Vodka started shooting like a retard” Ai said. “Idiot, if there is a decision in which you can save a life but have to sacrifice a cause, there's no decision to make at all." said Conan “You could have let me die there, its better if it breaks me free from this world so cold” Conan ignored her as he was used to listen to her as she cursed her life. But then all of a sudden, he felt a shiver through his spine. Then the door suddenly opened with sensei Kobayashi entering with a boy behind her. He had brown hair similar looking to Conan’s hair just a little different though. He entered with some girls and boys whispering about him. He ignored all of them and headed straight to the teacher’s platform where Kobayashi sensei said “Students this is ‘Tsubasa Hatake’ a transfer student from America, so please treat him properly. So Tsubasa-kun where do you want to sit?” to which Tsubasa sarcastically replied “Next to him I guess, well if it’s ok with you, Tantei-san.” Conan was astonished at the sight of Tsubasa and broke the pencil he was holding because of his grip and threw the pencil at Tsubasa who caught and flipped from him pinky to the index and threw it Haibara but what reached her desk was a ‘Crimson Rose’. Kobayashi sensei was shocked at what was happening and said “Conan-kun, is that how you welcome a new student?” “A new student, no, but my rival, pretty much.” Conan said. “Conan-kun, you know him?” Ayumi asked. Conan ignored her and kept staring at Tsubasa with fiery eyes. Ai, to stop the battle between Conan and the mysterious Tsubasa said “I’m always ready for an unexpected twist in lives but this is a classroom not a battle-ground, you know.” “I agree, this is a pointless conversation, you and I both know that I am the better one among us both.” Tsubasa said to which Conan simply grinned. Ai just didn’t know what was going on so she asked Conan “Hey, Kudo-kun what’s going on?” but to no avail. Then at recess Tsubasa went to the roof being followed by Conan. Then Conan asked him “What’re you even you doing here ………… KID.” Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Alleangean1412 2 Report post Posted February 19, 2011 sorry it's sooooo short Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kiel95 86 Report post Posted February 19, 2011 well.. its has a few grammatical errors which make it slightly confusing... and i guess the wording doesn't necessarily fit the characters... and youre missing a bit in the beginning... but other than that i think it'll be a pretty good story and i can't wait to read more ^^ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
tengaku squared 291 Report post Posted February 19, 2011 Mmm...I'll get around to evaluating this...but not anytime soon. ...but other than that i think it'll be a pretty good story and i can't wait to read more I think that this is the only part. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Aeyra 260 Report post Posted February 20, 2011 Very interesting start! Is it going to be a ShinShiho though? Because that (sorry!) instantly kills my interest most of time. I'll try to force myself to read it though! (no offense meant, it's a good start.) update soon! (i sound like I'm on fanfiction.net, don't I?) XD Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Alleangean1412 2 Report post Posted February 20, 2011 Polaris this is not going to have only one part, there are going to be many more. And sorry about the grammatical errors, it's my first fanfic story i'll mature later on. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kiel95 86 Report post Posted February 20, 2011 Polaris this is not going to have only one part, there are going to be many more. And sorry about the grammatical errors, it's my first fanfic story i'll mature later on. for practice, i suggeset writing different fanfics at the same time. it helps improve your own writing style... you don't always have to publish them, as some will not come out correctly, but as time goes on, those mistakes will help you improve and become a much better writer ^^ good luck! can't wait to read more Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Inspector Gin 45 Report post Posted February 20, 2011 Very interesting, I can't wait for the next part :grin: Thank you :smile: Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
tengaku squared 291 Report post Posted February 20, 2011 I just got around to evaluating your fanfiction (yay! ), and the results are...disappointing. I swear, I actually went back and redid my math to see if I actually calculated right. Your story looked great! So, your score is...62%. Sigh. I feel so terrible. 60% to 69% (Satisfactory) - Stories here are OK. They have a lot more to correct, but they are good. Starting Impressions: Maximum: 1 point Is it neat? (Ah, sure) 1/1Format: Maximum: 2 points Is the format concrete (does the story remain in 1st person, etc.)? If it is not, does the author give warning of a format change? (Yes) 1/1 Does the format make sense for the story? (Why can't it be from Conan's POV?) .5/1 Grammar & Punctuation: Maximum: 3 points Are there any errors? (Hmmm....one, two, ah, I give up counting) .5/1 Do they impede, or disrupt the story? (A tad.) 1.5/2 Personality: Maximum: 3 points Do characters have any sense of personality? (Characters are not puppets. They are people, with a conscience. Remember this.) .2/1 Do characters's reactions make sense according to their personality? (What personality?) .2/1 Does their personality MAKE SENSE? (Hmmm...you could do better to portray their personality) .5/1 Note: I overrided the normal points for this section so you get 1.5 points total instead of .9. Giving .9 on this section is cruel. That's an all-time low, and your story is better then some. Plot: Maximum: 5 points Does it make sense? (The story goes whoosh without development) .5/1 Does it generate excitement, or otherwise spark interest in the reader? (Aside from the KID, it's umm...boring) .5/2 Is there any order, however unobvious? (Hmm...not really. Sorry.) .5/2 Overall Presentation: Maximum: 6 points Does it leave the reader overall satisfied? (I guess) 1.8/2 Does it leave the reader wanting more, or leave on a great conclusion? (Ughh. Not really.) 1/2 Does it show effort? (Effort, effort. I'll assume the best) 2/2 And sorry about the grammatical errors, it's my first fanfic story i'll mature later on. I hope so. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hopes 237 Report post Posted February 20, 2011 Wow! This is good so far! So the Black Organization has been defeated then? Interesting! Ha! I knew it was Kid! Tsubasa means 'a pair of wings' so that instantly makes me think of Kid! Nice job! But how is Kid so small? Was he shrunk too? And what does he want? Can't wait! Keep it up! Update soon! Arigato~ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Alleangean1412 2 Report post Posted February 21, 2011 thanks a lot guys part 2 is coming on 23 or 25 of February And i also edited that weird dailogue Conan said about letting the computer break to save Haibara Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Alleangean1412 2 Report post Posted February 21, 2011 hey guys could you guys help me should I make this a ShinRan or AiCon Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kiel95 86 Report post Posted February 22, 2011 AICON! I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER IF IT'S AICON! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Alleangean1412 2 Report post Posted February 23, 2011 AICON!!! it is then Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BK201 31 Report post Posted February 26, 2011 KID got shrunk by the BO? Nice story though... can't wait for the next chapter! hey guys could you guys help me should I make this a ShinRan or AiCon ..ConAi Please.... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kiel95 86 Report post Posted March 28, 2011 yaaay aicon <3 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
IdentityUnknown 216 Report post Posted April 25, 2011 I just got around to evaluating your fanfiction (yay! ), and the results are...disappointing. I swear, I actually went back and redid my math to see if I actually calculated right. Your story looked great! So, your score is...62%. Sigh. I feel so terrible. 60% to 69% (Satisfactory) - Stories here are OK. They have a lot more to correct, but they are good. Starting Impressions: Maximum: 1 point Is it neat? (Ah, sure) 1/1Format: Maximum: 2 points Is the format concrete (does the story remain in 1st person, etc.)? If it is not, does the author give warning of a format change? (Yes) 1/1 Does the format make sense for the story? (Why can't it be from Conan's POV?) .5/1 Grammar & Punctuation: Maximum: 3 points Are there any errors? (Hmmm....one, two, ah, I give up counting) .5/1 Do they impede, or disrupt the story? (A tad.) 1.5/2 Personality: Maximum: 3 points Do characters have any sense of personality? (Characters are not puppets. They are people, with a conscience. Remember this.) .2/1 Do characters's reactions make sense according to their personality? (What personality?) .2/1 Does their personality MAKE SENSE? (Hmmm...you could do better to portray their personality) .5/1 Note: I overrided the normal points for this section so you get 1.5 points total instead of .9. Giving .9 on this section is cruel. That's an all-time low, and your story is better then some. Plot: Maximum: 5 points Does it make sense? (The story goes whoosh without development) .5/1 Does it generate excitement, or otherwise spark interest in the reader? (Aside from the KID, it's umm...boring) .5/2 Is there any order, however unobvious? (Hmm...not really. Sorry.) .5/2 Overall Presentation: Maximum: 6 points Does it leave the reader overall satisfied? (I guess) 1.8/2 Does it leave the reader wanting more, or leave on a great conclusion? (Ughh. Not really.) 1/2 Does it show effort? (Effort, effort. I'll assume the best) 2/2 I hope so. *winces at Moho* AICONSHINRAN! I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER IF IT'S AICONSHINRAN! AICONSHINRAN!!! it is then ..ConAiShinRan Please.... yaaay aiconShinRan <3 Fixed. *glares at people above* You just had to make me go through and edit everything, didn't you? As for the story, I basically skimmed it. It's not off to a bad start, but could be greatly improved. I think that Mark's evaluation is a good standard. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Misaki-chan 164 Report post Posted May 14, 2011 I liked it! Good job. Will you make it a CoAi? Please~? PRETTY please~? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
IdentityUnknown 216 Report post Posted May 14, 2011 I liked it! Good job. Will you make it a CoAi? Please~? PRETTY please~? Betrayal.. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tsukiko 73 Report post Posted May 14, 2011 I like this fic. Keep on writing! I wanna read more. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Misaki-chan 164 Report post Posted May 14, 2011 Betrayal.. I was never a ShinRan fan, so it's not betrayal.... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
