The Leap

[Aeyra 260]

This was my first two-shot as it was published in two parts, put into one for convenience here. It's ShinRan, so if you don't like it, don't bother to say anything. The ending might suggest an opening for AiCon, but as this story's writer, it won't turn out that way. I don't care that I killed Ran and Ai's the only one who's left for Conan. NOT EVEN DEATH CAN SEPARATE SHINICHI AND RAN! On that note, enjoy the angst and death. ~Aeyra

P.S. Plz comment.

The Leap

Part One: I Jump

"Ran-neechan!" calls Conan, who is waistdeep in the azure water. He wears slightly lopsided snorkels, and is waving atme, urging me to come into the ocean with him. He wears a bright smile on hisnow nine year old face, but it hasn’t really changed since the first day I methim. I want to smile back at him, but I can’t seem to get my lips to form theshape I want them to.

I've found it veryhard to smile since that day, even just a false grin. The day where Shinichi leftand never came back, when he broke all his promises, and left me alone, cryingin his room. I still try to cling to the memory of his arms wrapped around mywaist, and the feeling of his lips as we kissed. His strong, powerful voice,full of confidence, his eyes, every single detail of that glorious week wherehe was mine, and mine alone…

It's been one monthsince that then. He told me he loved me more than anything else in the world,and that he never wanted to leave my side. He told me that he was going to stay,and that he was sorry for disappearing for so long. He told me that he wasn'tleaving again. Ever.

"Ran." I can hear his voice in my head, see his beautifuleyes. They glow a brilliant blue, like a sapphire, and areradiating with fiery warmth. The intensity of his gaze washes over me like awave, and I can't seem to breathe. "I love you." He leans in towardsme, and I can feel the sparks fly, burning the air-

"Ran-neechan,are you okay?" Conan is standing in front of me now, dripping wet withsalt water. He has a concerned look on his face. It appears much too often now;an expression filled with much more worry than a boy his age should be. It'salmost as if he knows the depth of the pain I'm going through even though I domy best to hide it.

I feign a comforting smile;trying my best to make him think I'm the same neechan he had two months ago. Thebright, happy Mouri Ran who was never down for long, always strong, alwayswaiting for the day her best friend would come home.

Two months ago,Shinichi had called and said he might be coming home soon, news I was almosttired of hearing because he never did. Conan's parents also called, saying theywanted to take him back to the US with them. Surprisingly, he hadn't argued,and left willingly with his mom who picked him up a week after that. Three dayslater, Shinichi appeared at my front door.

"Ran, I'm back!" yells a much too familiar voiceas loud steps sound from the stairway. I freeze in my dad's office where I'mcleaning up, unable to believe my ears. It’sbeen so long since I’ve heard that voice for real, I feel like I’m dreaming.Because it’s only in my dreams that he comes back to me.

But it’s not a dream, and the door opens to revealShinichi, who is dressed in casual attire and has a huge smile on his face.Without warning, he approaches and hugs me. His warm arms are around my waist,his sweet breath in my ear as he whispers, "I've missed you so much."

"I'm fine,Conan-kun. You shouldn't worry about me so much. It's not something you need tobe concerned about. I'm alright." I cannot keep myself from crouching downand looking him in the eye, seeing sorrow in his eyes, the ones identical toShinichi's.

I grab him andsqueeze him tight, needing to feel his tiny body against mine. There's noprotest, and I can feel him hug me back. There are no glasses hiding his face,so I can see every detail clearly. His evenly toned skin, his bangs, the littleblush spreading across his face. Everything about him just reminds me aboutShinichi.

It hurts so much to even think about him, rememberthe note he left behind.

I'm so sorry I couldn't keep my promise, Ran. I'm sorry Icouldn't stay. –Shinichi

After all he'd done,all he could say was sorry. It was the only thing he said during his only phonecall following his departure. "I'mso sorry, Ran. If I had a choice, I'd be with you now." It had sounded like he was about to cry, something I could never imagine himdoing. I was crying as I screamed my anger at him, asking him why he couldn’tcome home, and why he just couldn’t stay like he promised.

"Conan-kun, I'mso hopeless, aren't I?" There are warm tears spilling down my face. Theyfall onto his shoulders, where they blend in with the drops of water drippingfrom his wet dark-brown hair. He frowns and opens his mouth to answer, but Idon't let him speak. I want him to know just a little bit more of my feelings,how much it hurts. "I just can't forget about that deduction geek nomatter how hard I try. I don't want to rememberhim anymore, it hurts so much. But it hurts too much to forget him too; I lovehim more than anything. I'm so utterly hopeless. Conan-kun, what do you think Ishould do?" It probably isn’t a good idea to ask a seven year old aboutlove, a topic he probably doesn’t understand, but I want to hear what he’sgoing to say, because it always sounds like what I feel Shinichi would tell me.

"Ran-neechan,"he starts, hesitating as his blue eyes flicker. He looks as if he is about tocry, but he wears a strong mask. His deep blue irises are filled with guiltthat I can't comprehend; he has nothing to blame himself for."Ran-neechan. You should probably try to forget Shinichi-niichan." Helooks away from me, shifting his gaze to the pale sand with beautiful seashellsscattered across the surface. "I don't think he can come back. He'd understand."

Conan will alwayssay things beyond his age. He tends to talk about what Shinichi would want meto do, how he would be okay with it, just as if he were Shinichi.

I have long sinceshoved that theory out the door, knowing Shinichi won't keep something as bigas turning into a little kid secret from me. Even before he confessed his love,I know he would care enough to tell me something that was hurting me so much.Shinichi won't let me suffer like this, not if he is the boy standing in frontof me.

But sometimes, thetheory isn't so farfetched and I almost have myself believing it. With how muchI miss him, and their nearly identical looks, it isn't difficult for me tomistake Conan as Shinichi. I almost see Shinichi now, reflected in thosebottomless blue orbs. "Conan-kun, do you really believe that? ThatShinichi would want me to forget about him?"

It becomes one ofthose moments where everything seems to come to a standstill; the frolickingkids playing around us, the noisy sea gulls, and even the crashing of waves. Itis an endless moment where Conan closes his eyes as if in pain, then blinksthem open, warmth and sorrow in his gaze. "He wants what's best for you,Ran-neechan. Even if it means cutting him out of the picture."

"You remind meof him so much, Conan-kun. I wish that you could be him, that way I wouldn'thurt so much." He is silent now, not knowing how to respond. I realize notfor the first time that I never know what he's thinking. What exactly is behindthat enigmatic gaze.

I'm so glad heconvinced his parents to let him come back to Japan; I don't think I could livewithout him. That smile, those bright blue eyes are all that have kept mewanting to live on. His childish chatter, his cute innocence, the things thatkeep me from remembering Shinichi. All my friends will talk about is him, and Ishut them out. All my parents will talk about is finding another guy, and Ishooed them away. Conan avoids all of those touchy topics, and just plows rightahead with anything else; a movie, a TV show, what’s going on in his class,anything to keeps me from thinking about Shinichi.

My father and motherwere extremely worried about me at first, when I spent all day locked in mybedroom crying. I might have died from malnutrition had it not been for Conan'sadorable boyish voice calling for me from the other side of the door, beggingfor me to come out. I had opened the door, bent down and hugged him, whisperedout my sorrows the same way I am now.

"Shinichi-niichannever meant to hurt you. He wants to come back, but he can't. He's sosorry." Hisvoice is cracking, and now he is crying with me. I wipe away the tear from hiseye, and apologize for dropping all of my troubles onto him. I am really such aselfish person. Why should Conan have to worry about me?

"I'm so sorry for leaving you all these monthswithout even a phone call, Ran." Shinichi is smiling apologetically, stillgrasping my arms. He looks so happy; unlike all the other times he returned. Hedoes not appear sick, a first. It’s as if nothing ever happened; nothing evertore us apart.

"When are you leaving again, Shinichi?" I ask,knowing every time he came back, he would suddenly disappear, leaving meheartbroken once again. I wanted to know how muchtime I would have before that happened- so I would at least have a warning.

"I'm staying for good this time. Forever. It'sbecause I love you Ran. More than anyone else in this world." His eyessmolder, making me melt in the intensity of that sapphire gaze. He leansforwards, and gently pressed his lips to mine. "Will you accept myfeelings, Ran?" How can I not? His kiss was sweet and delicate, and wantmore…

"Yes, Shinichi. I do." He smiles, and thenkisses me again, and this time, it's more forceful, more passionate, and isfueled by a surprising. It's like I can't breathe...

"Conan-kun, howabout I go swimming with you? Maybe I'll cheer up a little bit." He nods,his bangs bobbing up and down, and starts pulling me towards the waves. I needa distraction from my torturous memories- they only make me want to seeShinichi more.

"You'll loveit, Ran-neechan! The water's really nice!" His worries seemed to haveevaporated instantly as a huge grin is set in place, made real by his childishenergy. However, it seems slightly forced, and I am struck with a thought thathe might be pretending as much as I am. Don’tbe silly, Ran. Conan’s biggest concerns are probably about whether or not he’llbe able to play. Not love troubles.’

"Wait a second,Conan-kun! I need to put my hat away!" I take off my hat and place in onthe chair I had brought for our trip to the beach. My dad had won a freenight's stay at a local hotel during a lottery, but had been too busy to comewith us.

We are on an islanda few miles away from the mainland; a beautiful place famous for its coralreefs and rocky beaches. Conan has been thoroughly enjoying himself until mylittle 'incident' and I didn't mean to spoil his fun. I tried to treat thevacation as a temporary reprieve from the constant troubles of home, but themajority had followed me here. Why couldn't I stop thinking about Shinichi?

Maybe it was becausehe'd always been part of my life, one way or another. The annoying boy atschool, the deduction geek who became my best friend, my savior, my mostimportant person. We were always linked, hand in hand, until he disappearedwithout a word.

He'd left me in thedark, without even a hint of his whereabouts. When he called me the first timeafter that, he told me he'd be back soon, and not to worry about him. 'Soon'turned into months, and he became merely a voice, a ghost that kept on calling.A ghost that couldn't even tell me where he was; a ghost that gave me littlemore than empty promises.

I was always soworried about him; there was no case or even a string of cases that could keepShinichi occupied for so long. When he came back the first time, he claimedConan had told him to come, but he left just as quickly as he arrived. Duringthe school play, he appeared, and it seemed as if I were living a dream. I'd hada whole day with him and I believed he was back for good. Out of all the timeshe could have left, it was in the middle of what I now referred to as ‘thedate’, breaking my heart worse than he had before.

I won’t go back tothe several other times where he’d appear for just a single day, telling methat he needed to tell me something important, and leaving before he could. Iskip straight to that week where he came back, and told me that he loved me.

“Ran,I don’t want to let you go, ever.” He buries his face in my hair, and whispersinto my ear. We are still standing in my dad’s office, his arms around meagain, pulling me against his body. I can’t believe this is real, and that heis actually back. That he promised he was never leaving again.

“Shinichi,did you finish your case?” I ask curiously, wanting to know what has kept himoccupied for so long.

“No,it’s not finished yet. But I decided I didn’t want to work on it anymore. Iwanted to be free.” I don’t ask for the meaning behind his words, I just acceptit.

Wespend the week as if we were in a dream, making up for all the lost months thatwe missed. We explore Tokyo; go back to Tropical Land, where he tells me hiscase started. He tells me that somebody had tried to murder him, and that hehad been trying to catch that man. However, he had to keep himself hidden, orelse he’d be made a target again.

“Ishe still out there?” He nods, noting the distress in my eyes. Shinichi hadalmost been killed, and it was why he had been hiding. But he never told me whyone person could be so dangerous.

“Icouldn’t capture him, but I don’t think anybody can. It’s out of my ability.But don’t worry about me; he won’t come back, I swear.” He leans in, andpresses his lips against mine. “All we have to worry about, is you and me.Nothing else. Okay, Ran?”

“Okay.”

A cold wave washes over my face, taking the happy memorywith it. I gasp in shock as Conan laughs wholeheartedly, and I join in to themelodious sound of his giggles. “You look so funny, Ran-neechan! There’sseaweed in your hair!” I pick out the offending object, and throw it at him. Itsmacks him on the nose and sticks there, starting our seaweed battle.

I am actually entertained, throwing myself into it, havingfun for one of the first times sinceShinichi left. Conan seems to have the ability to lift my sorrow replace itwith joy using his enthusiasm, and I truly appreciate it. I could not have abetter boy as my little brother.

We stay in the ocean until about dinnertime, where I forcehim out of the water, despite the protests.

“But Ran-neechan! I wanna play some more!” he whines,trying to win me over with puppy dog eyes. It further confirms that Conan isConan, and not Shinichi. Shinichi would never debase himself to acting likesuch a little kid.

“You can play tomorrow, Conan-kun. We’re not leaving untilthe afternoon.” I flick his nose, and he turns his nose and pouts. I giggle,and start pulling him back towards where our chairs are set up. “Carry yourstuff, okay? I’ll handle the chairs.” I hand him his beach toys, a shovel and abucket, and I take the heavier cargo. He takes one last glance at the beachbefore we set up towards the hotel.

“Two seats please,” I tell the maître as we enter theformal and expensive restaurant. Dad’s lucky win had covered all costs, so Iwas definitely going to take advantage of this. It required women to weardresses, and men to wear tuxs, so I put Conan in his little suit even thoughkids could be dressed casually. I thought it looked cute. My dress was long andwhite; it made me think of a wedding dress. Shinichi had promised me that oneday, we’d be married, and tears rolled down my face once more.

“Iwant us to be together forever, Ran.” He kneels down, and takes my hand, blueeyes glittering with emotion. “Will you marry me?” I am taken aback by this,and I can hardly breathe, hardly take in this sudden turn of events.

“Shinichi,we’re only twenty!” I reply blushingly, the red spreading to my ears as thepeople around us begin to stare.

“Isthat a no?” he teases playfully, knowing full well that I wouldn’t refuse him.“You know I really mean it, right? I bought you a ring.” He takes out a smallbox covered in purple velvet, and opens it to reveal a small red ruby set in aperfect gold circle. “You said red was the color of the string that connectsus, didn’t you? Do you like it?”

“Shinichi,you know I’m saying yes, but isn’t it a little bit early? We should wait alittle bit, so perhaps my dad won’t kill you.” I don’t feel I’m ready to walkdown the aisle, all eyes on me, but I do want him beside me. Marriage justseems like an extra, a step that isn’t necessary at the moment.

“Fine,but when the time comes, you will marry me. Promise?” His sapphire irises areglittering with hope, and the setting sun tints his face a slight red. He wearsa gentle smile so different from his usual arrogance. This is a different typeof confidence.

“Ipromise.”

“Ran-neechan, our table’s ready!” Conan is jumping up anddown, trying to pull me towards the open chairs. I let myself be drivenforward, and sit down on the opposite side of him. The waitress hands him akid’s menu, and he scans it quickly, looking for his favorite dish. I view minea little slower, trying to keep myself from remembering all the memories.

“I’ll just take this pasta dish right here.” I point to anItalian dish that I can’t pronounce without bothering to read the description.I don’t want to read it; it might make me think of that night in therestaurant.

“Good choice,” agrees the waitress. “Can I get you twosomething to drink?”

“I want a juice! Lemonade please!” calls Conan loudly,smiling widely. The waitress smiles back at him, and writes down his drink. “Iwant the chicken tenders too!”

“Just give me an ice water.” She walks away, leaving justme and Conan. He doesn’t seem very talkative, and hardly brings up anythingduring our dinner. When he does talk, he seems to be trying to pry into mythoughts, and I ward him off.

We stop by our room after dinner, where Conan changes intomore comfortable clothing. My dad calls and asks how we’re doing. “I’m fine,dad. It’s great out here. I wish you could have come.” I sound like a postcard,and I know it. He seems concerned, but eventually he forgets about it and tellsme about his latest case.

I take out the hotel notepad and start doodling on itwhile he’s talking, not wanting to be rude and hang up. With just a couple‘mm-hm’s and ‘yeah’s in the right spots, he thinks I’m actually giving him myfull and undivided attention. I look back at the hotel notepad, and realizeI’ve drawn an eye; one that looks shockingly like Shinichi’s- or is it Conan’s?

“Ran-neechan, didn’t you say you wanted to go out on thecliffs?” asks Conan innocently, peering out the window at the soon to-besetting sun. It’s beautiful, and I nod. It’s one of the reasons I agreed tocome on this vacation.

“Dad, we’ve got to go. The sun’s setting soon and we don’twant to miss it.” I hear a protest from the other line before I end the call,but I get up and put the notepad and pen in my pocket. I want to finish thedrawing.

I hold Conan’s hand as we walk up the steep, rocky path tothe cliff, where there is a clear view of the sun, a red jewel set in a pinksky. There are several other people there too, spread out across the flat,smooth surface, perfect for watching the scene in front of us.

Conan leans over the edge of the cliff, and I slowly pullhim back, not wanting him to fall down the fifty feet into the rocks and waterbelow. The sun is starting to sink into the ocean now, turning the crystallineblue into a bloody red, and drawing several ‘oohs’ and ‘ahhs’. Conan suddenlyjumps up and smacks his forehead.

“Ran-neechan! Where’s the camera?” He looks around, tryingto see if I have brought it. I haven’t; I had forgotten it in the hotel room.

“I left it on the desk, let me go get it.”

“No let me, Ran-neechan. I’ll be right back. Can I havethe key?” I hand it to him, and he sprints off, dodging the others who arewalking up the hill.

“Don’t lose the key, Conan-kun!” I yell after hisretreating figure, seeing it fade into the crowd.

Now that I’m alone, my pain comes back to me, and I sit onthe edge, letting my legs dangle over it. I stare at the rocks, the crashingwaves, and suddenly an idea comes to me. A way to escape my pain.

I hesitate, thinking about the consequences. Who will behurt? Who would suffer from my death? I shrug these off, knowing that Conanwill be back in an instant and my resolve will be shattered. I have only thisone instant.

I pull out the notebook, and write three notes. One is formy parents, one is for Conan, and the last one is for Shinichi. I do not blamehim, but I let him know I couldn’t stand waiting anymore. The one I write toConan is the hardest, because I truly do not want to hurt him. I know he willcry, and he will have lost his neechan. But I tell him I want him to move on,because he deserves better than to waste away on my death.

I place the notes under a rock, and stand up, the dyingrays of the sun lighting up my face. The people behind me don’t notice; theythink I’m merely admiring the view just like them, not slowly moving my feettowards the edge.

I don’t look down, not wanting to see the churning water.I place my toes on the precipice, feeling the wind in my hair. I pretend I’m ona diving board, and bend my legs. I hear gasps behind me, and the scramblingfeet. I hear Conan’s scream, but I do not stop.

I jump.

PartTwo: I Follow

I climb up the ridge just in time to see her disappearover the edge. Her hair was flowing like a dark chocolate river, shining in thedying rays, her dress fluttering in the breeze, and I could see tears runningdown her face, glistening like diamonds as they fell to the rocks below. I seeher rise as if she is about to take off in flight, a smile on her face, andthen she falls- she can’t have jumped- into the ocean below.

I run to the edge, hoping somehow I can stop her fromfalling, bring her up again. I am about to jump over myself but a pair ofstrong arms grab me, restraining me. Looking up, I realize it’s a grizzled oldman with the air of a seaman. He closes his eyes and shakes his head, willingme to understand that it is much too late.

It does not keep me from trying to fight my way out of hisgrip, wishing that I could. If I were Kudo Shinichi, it would have been easy.If I were Kudo Shinichi, maybe I could make my way down and save Ran. But KudoShinichi would never walk the earth again.

“Kudo-kun,here is the permanent antidote.” Haibara hands me a small pill that looksalmost identical to all of the previous ones. I look at it in hope, a hugesmile on my face. This means I could lose Conan forever, and become Shinichionce more. This means I can be with Ran. “Remember, there’s no changing back somake sure to say your good-byes before Edogawa Conan is gone.”

Inod, almost ready to jump up and down in joy. I cannot wait to feel the burningsensation this time, the feeling of pain spreading across my body, killingConan in the flames, and letting Shinichi being born from the ashes. Like aphoenix. I have the professor call Ran using my ‘mom’s’ voice, telling her thatConan was leaving for America. I say good-bye to the Detective Boys, and Ayumicries. I comfort her, but it sounds fake. I am looking forward to changingback.

Ican hardly stand waiting as I hide out at the Professor’s house. Haibara saysit’ll look suspicious if Kudo Shinichi appears right after Edogawa Conandisappears, and I agree unwillingly. Three days later, I take the antidote, andbecome Shinichi once more.

“Stop struggling, boy. It’s no use. The water’s toostrong. Not even the fish’ll can swim in there.” I am called back into reality,where the waves are crashing upon the rocks, at least fifty feet below. Thewater is white and foaming, impossible to survive in. I still don’t want tobelieve it though- Ran was always so alive, she wouldn’t let herself be killedby the current, would she?

The crowd is taking in the full effect of what has justhappened, and they are now in a panic. ‘Call the police!’ I hear them cry.‘Call in ambulance!’ Many lean over the precipice, trying to see if they catcha glimpse of the body. I stop struggling in the man’s arms. It’s been at leasttwo minutes, not even Ran could hold her breath for that long.

Sayit, Kudo. She’s dead. D-E-A-D dead. My inner voicetortures me, and I can’t stand the sound of it. I don’t want to say it outloud, because it will make it real. Maybe I’m dreaming, maybe I can still wakeup from this nightmare.

I pinch myself, once, twice, thrice, and still find myselfon the cliff, where the light is fading quickly, turning the crimson rose petalred to a midnight blue, stars sprinkled like glitter across the horizon. Thepolice are running up the hill and they fight their way through the masses ofpeople who have gathered. The old man finally lets me go, knowing that thistime, I will not run. I cannot move my feet, only my eyes still capable ofmotion.

Everything seems to be moving in slow motion, the wavesare crashing, taking several seconds to hit the rocks where they took barelyone before, the seagulls spiraling in the sky seem to be still, no longerletting out their squawking. The police are barely walking speed, and the crowdeven more sluggish. My eyes point to the ground, finding a rock with a cornerof paper sticking out from under it. It can’t be.

Somehow, my legs unfreeze, and I crouch down and move therock, snatching up three small notes from under it. Suicide notes. I can’tprocess it. Ran committing suicide. It must be my fault; I should never havegone back to her and told her all those things. I shouldn’t have promised herall those things.

One is addressed to her parents, and I place it in mypocket. I can see occhan’s crying face and obaa-san’s tears as they learn aboutthe death of their daughter. They can’t possibly have heard the news yet; I amthe only one who knows the girl who leaped over to her death. The second is toConan. I carefully unfold it, and read it in the last rays of the sun.

DearConan-kun,

I’msorry that I can’t be there for you anymore, and I’m sorry that you won’t havea neechan. I’m sorry that I wasn’t brave enough to live on for you, but I wantyou to know that you’re the one that has kept me living all this time. I’veloved your laughter, your smile, everything. I would have loved to see you growup, but I can’t stand another day here. It hurts too much. Even if you can’tunderstand it, I feel only death can give me the peace I want. Please don’tblame yourself for anything, and don’t grieve too much. What I’m about to domight be a mistake, but I feel it is necessary. Please live on after this, iffor nothing else, for me. You deserve a future at least, and I hope you make itthere.

I’m sorry,

Ran

I cry. This letter is meant for the innocent nine-year oldthat she has known; the one that didn’t understand exactly what she was goingthrough. This letter is meant for Edogawa Conan, a boy that doesn’t exist, aboy that was just a ploy in the first place. This letter is meant for herlittle brother, who will only miss her as a sister. This letter isn’t meant forKudo Shinichi.

There is one last note, and I know exactly who it is for.It is for me, the Shinichi me. I don’t have the courage to read it now, and thelight is much too dim for any hope of reading it. The police are around me now,and one of them lays a hand on my shoulder. It is Inspector Takagi, and he hasa frown on his face.

“Conan-kun, what happened?” His face is filled with worry,and I have to pause and swallow my tears before I answer, voice shaking.

“It’s- it’s Ran-neechan.” I have to force myself to sayit. Neechan. At the moment, itdoesn’t feel right to say the words, when the reason she jumped was because of Shinichi. “She-she jumped over thecliff. She’s gone, Takagi-keiji!” He lets me embrace him, because I simply needsomebody to hold onto. At least he knew Ran, and he knew me. Maybe notShinichi, but he knew Conan, and that part of me needs comfort too.

“There, there, Conan-kun.” I can hear him about to say‘It’s alright’ but he knows it would be lying. There is nothing that anybodycan say to me to make me feel better. There is nothing.

Soon, the news spreads, and occhan and obaa-san arrive,crying into each other’s arms. I hand them the note that Ran has left behind,and they cry even harder. I still do not have the courage to read the note shehas left for Shinichi, knowing that if I do, I might break into two.

We go back to the hotel room while we wait for news. TheCoast Guard has been sent out to try and find her body; however the chancesthat it has sunk into the ocean are greater. The part of the water that she hasjumped into is full of rocks, and it is much too dangerous for the boats to enter.We wait, and no news comes.

“Ran,I’m back!” I call to her, running up the stairs of the detective office. Itfeels so great, running up these stairs at my normal size instead of being achild, having to stretch my legs for each step. It feels effortless, my legstaking the once long strides easily, and I open the door.

Shelooks so surprised, and a smile lights up her face. Her eyes are likesapphires, twinkling and shining in the fluorescent light and the golden raysthat come through the window. I know I’m smiling too; I haven’t been so happyin a long time. I rush forward and embrace her, hear her sudden ‘oh’ of shock,and I whisper into her sweet chocolate brown hair. “I’ve missed you so much.”

I miss her now, but I know that I will miss her forever.That I can wait all I want, but she’ll never, ever come back. And it’s all myfault. I still haven’t opened her last letter, but I have snuck a peek. Thereis a drawing of an eye on the front, one that is tearing up with emotion, onethat looks so much like her own.

I do not show the note to occhan or okaa-san, knowing thatif I do, they’ll start blaming me, Shinichi, and I’ll blurt out my secret.

Butthe secret was meant for her, wasn’t it? taunts theevil little voice inside my head. Ifshe’s dead, then you have nothing to hide anymore. You can tell anybody, can’tyou? Wouldn’t it be a relief for the Black Organization to hunt you down? Killyou? Wouldn’t it?

No!I’m still Edogawa Conan. There’s more than one person I was lying to. Thesecret was meant for Ran, but now it’s for so many other people as well. She’snot the only person who was protected by it. I’m keeping it safe.

You’rejust afraid everybody will blame you for her death. But it’s true, isn’t it? Ifyou didn’t leave her, it would never have happened. She was happier before youwent to her and broke her heart. I want that voice toshut up, but I know it’s telling the truth.

I don’t want to say my secret, because everybody willblame me. I don’t want them to blame me, because it already hurts so much. Ithurts so much because I know it’s my fault.

“Ran,I don’t want to let you go. Ever.” I tell her, my face still buried in her hairwhich smells of flowers. I’ve know this scent as Conan, but it feels so specialnow; I’m the one who is holding her, instead of the other way around. I am nolonger a defenseless child. I am Kudo Shinichi.

I’vepromised her I’m not leaving this time, that I’m staying for good. Theantidote’s supposed to be permanent, so I can stay this time. I’ve never leftbecause I wanted to; I’ve only left because I was forced to. Because in a way,I was too cowardly and too noble to tell her my secret.

Iam afraid that she’d be angry at me, for never telling her something soimportant. I know that the sooner I tell her, the less angry she’ll be, but itwon’t stop her anger from coming. I end up never telling her, the secret thatI’ve hidden.

“Shinichi,what about your case?” she asks, eyes glittering with worry and curiosity.Those eyes melt me to the core, and make me want to cry. I can actually look into those eyes now, and tell her thateverything will be fine. She never truly believed me as Conan, now she will.

“No,it’s not finished yet. But I decided I didn’t want to work on it anymore. Iwanted to be free.” I tell her the truth; I was sick of fighting theOrganization and never winning. I was sick of losing every single time whenvictory seemed so close at hand.

Sheaccepts my answer, and we make up for all of those lost months. I tell her allI can without revealing the truth about Conan, and she listens readily. Shedoesn’t interrupt, she just takes it in and accepts it, and it feels like I’mliving in a dream. I bring her to Tropical Land and explain how everythingstarted, her expression fluctuates from interest, to worry, to fear, to anger,to sorrow.

Shesmiles and says, “I understand. If I were you, I might have done the samething.” She hugs me, and I embrace her. We kiss, and I know that everything isokay.

Her body was never found, so we go back to Tokyo and attendher funeral, but it’s more like a memorial service. She’s not there, so I findit hard to sit quietly during the mourning period. When I am asked to speak, myvoice catches in my throat and I can hardly let it out.

“Ran-neechan was a great sister, and I’m so sad that shedied. I will always remember her.” It’s all I can say before I burst intotears. Occhan hugs me and then takes the stand, talking about how great shewas, her accomplishments, and what kind of person she was. Kind and caring tothe end.

Obaa-san can’t talk; she can hardly keep her eyes openthrough the tears. Almost everybody that knew Ran is here. Sonoko is cryingonto Makoto’s shoulder, because he has come despite the fact that he had acompetition. He knew he needed to comfort Sonoko during this hard time. Ishould have been there for Ran when she needed me, so maybe she would still bealive.

Kazuha and Hattori are here, and Hattori comes over andsays he’s sorry. “I’m sorry that things worked out this way, Kudo,” he whispersto me after occhan lets me go and nobody is in earshot. “I’m sorry that shedied.”

“Thank you, Hattori,” I say. Haibara and the Professor arehere, but neither approach me. Haibara is blaming herself for not making abetter antidote, and in a way I blame her too. She had promised me it waspermanent, and I believed her.

Justthat afternoon, I proposed to her. She had accepted. Even though she said shewanted to wait a year or two, we were happy and content. We were staying thenight at my house; we were inseparable ever since I had turned back. Nothingimproper of course, it was more like a sleepover. Like what we’d do when wewere little kids.

Isaid, “Good night, I love you Ran.” She murmured good night back. Her azureeyes close, and she smiles, drifting off into peaceful slumber. I watch her asI slowly drift off, marveling at how beautiful she is. Then, a burning pulsebeats through my body, lighting me on fire.

Atfirst, I don’t know what it is. Then, I remember the feeling. This is thefeeling of changing back into Conan, the feeling that I hated above all others.I hardly hold in the scream when it comes, but I manage to do it, and Ran issleeping through my pain. I am Conan once more.

Icharge to the Professor’s house demanding to see Haibara despite the late hour.She comes up to me, and can only stare in shock while she says, “It wassupposed to be permanent. I don’t know why.” She spends the next hour absorbedin her research, and I wait impatiently on the couch, wanting to know the reasonwhy I was Conan again.

Whenshe comes back up, I am devastated. “It would have been permanent, had you nottaken the drug so many times before. Your body was almost immune to it,therefore, you changed back. I don’t think it’s possible for you to ever turnback into Kudo Shinichi again. I’m sorry, Kudo-kun.”

Crying,I run back to my house, and leave a note where I had been sleeping.

I’m so sorry that I couldn’t keep my promise, Ran. I’m sosorry I couldn’t stay.

~Shinichi

‘Sorry’ is the only word that people say to me that day.‘I’m sorry you lost her’, ‘I’m sorry she died’, ‘I’m sorry.” I am sick of‘sorry’; it’s a terrible excuse for hiding the truth. It’s a terrible excuse ingeneral. There needs to be a better word for saying sorry, but if there is, Idon’t know it. I just wish that somebody would say something else.

The days fly by, and I am almost a living rock.Emotionless, silent, just living life as it came to me. The Detective Boysstarted avoiding me, not wanting to incur my wrath. Not even Haibara talked tome, knowing that I would explode on her.

Hattori stays in Tokyo, and is the only one who cancomfort me, even just a little. He can understand me; he has a girl who is likeRan, except she is still alive. He can imagine what it would be like if shekilled herself to free herself from the pain of living without him. He doesn’tsay ‘sorry’ after that day; he just brings back old memories of Ran, and theyhurt. But they’re better than the pitiful excuses that everybody else gives me.

I still have not opened the note, the one that she hasleft for Shinichi. I still do not tell the truth to everybody, as it will tearme apart. I feel like I am living Ran’s final days, where she is hopeless withlonging for me. Except I was always there with her. She’s gone forever.

I sneak out of the detective office, destination in mind. Ihave money for a taxi and a ferry; just enough for a one way trip. It’safternoon, and the sun is beating down.

Nobody is with me as I climb onto the boat, and wait inthe cabin for the three hour journey to the island where she died. The notethat she has left me is in my pocket, and I am going to read it soon.

I climb up the ridge as the sun starts to set, and thereis nobody there. It has become a much less popular spot since she died, andthere is a small cross where she jumped off. I look down into the crashingwaves, the white foam speckled with fire from the dying rays, and they looklike rose petals. I smile.

I pull out the note she left, and I read it.

DearShinichi,

I’mnot sure about what to say, and I don’t know what to do. I just want you toknow that it’s not your fault I’m about to jump, and I don’t want you to blameyourself. I am not going to commit suicide because of you, I’m committingsuicide because I don’t have you.

Thelast time you called, it felt like a good-bye, like a death sentence. I’ve hada bad feeling since then. It was like you died, because you promised you’d stayno matter what. Even though you left, I know you would never break such animportant promise.

Ican’t stand living without you; that one week was enough to tell me that. Iwanted to marry you, have children, and live our lives together. I wasn’t braveenough to live another day and wait for you. I’m sorry for that.

Iwant you to know that you should live on, and not grieve over me. I want you tolive your future, and live for me. Please help Conan-kun through this, becauseI know he’ll have a hard time. That is, maybe, if he isn’t you.

I’vesuspected it for a while, but you probably think I’m being ridiculous. I thinkI am, but I had to write it down. Sometimes I feel Conan-kun is closer to methan you, but it feels like you are there with me. Strange, isn’t it?

Thesun is setting, and I wish you could see it with me. It’s quite beautiful, andI’m glad I can die with the sun. I’m sorry that I couldn’t wait for you. I’msorry.

~Ran

It does nothing but make me approach the edge faster, andI look out at the same sun that she had written about. A beautiful bloody redmixed with orange, a bright orange, like an orchid, all spread out over thedeep blue sea, which is showing tints of yellow and pink. I let go of the note,and it flies behind me, carried by the wind.

I take one step. Then another. I smile.

I follow.

………..

…………

………….

………………..

………………………..

Why haven’t I fallen yet? The distance between me and theocean hasn’t changed a bit. My collar feels unnaturally tight. I look up andsee Hattori holding onto the hood of my jacket, teeth clenched, emerald eyesfilled with determination.

“Do you really think I’d let you die, Kudo?” he asks,starting to pull me up.

“Let me go, Hattori!” I start to unzip my jacket, wantingto fall into the waves below. “I want to die! I want to be with Ran!”

“Don’t talk like that, Kudo-kun.” It’s Haibara speaking,and I can see her leaning over the edge, staring into my eyes. “A lot of peoplewould miss you; not to mention a lot of people would miss Edogawa Conan.”

“I don’t care! A lot of people miss Ran, but they can moveon!” I scream at them, why have they come? I want to die more than anything elseright now. Why can’t they just understand? “I can’t! That’s why I’m jumping!”

“Kudo, she would want you to live! Haibara, read him thenote!” I freeze, it must have flown towards them.

“I want you to know that you should live on, and notgrieve over me. I want you to live your future and live for me. That’s quotedright from this, you know.” I’m back on solid ground again, trying to fightHattori’s tight grip.

“Nobody wants you to die, you should know that Kudo.Didn’t you say that suicide was murder? You can’t kill yourself.” Hattori’swords take me back to that day, where I remember saying, Fool. A detective who corners a culprit with logic and then let’s themcommit suicide is no different from a murderer.

“What does that have to do with now? There was no crime! Iwant to die!” I put emphasis on each word, willing them to understand.

“Kudo-kun, you have a future. Trust me. Live your lifelike she wanted you to. Just make sure you never forget her. It might hurt, butyou have to keep her memory alive. I know what it’s like. I wanted to commitsuicide after my neechan died, but I’m still living on. It hurts, and sometimesI can’t stand it, but I need to live for her. I need to live for Akemi. Can’tyou live for Ran?” asks Haibara.

I slowly nod, their words dawning on me. What Ran did wasa mistake, and I was about to make the same one. I cry, letting my tears pouronto the rocks, and the sun sets, leaving us in darkness.

I’llnever forget you, Ran. I’ll always live on for you.

So, Hattori and Ai are a little random here. But not bad, right? Please comment! ~Aeyra

[Kiel95 86]

well, i only read the second part... sorry, not a shinran fan, and since in the beginning you said it could turn aicon (even if you yourself will never believe it) i decided to read only the ending i think it's pretty good...

umm ai and hattori being there isn't that random... i mean, they're the only ones who really could understand conan on anything since they're two of hte few people who knows his true identity... well anyways, i loved it, and i intened to dream up a conai ending for this story XD

lol anywyas, great job ^^

[shinran91 0]

i like it when you say "NOT EVEN DEATH CAN SEPARATE SHINICHI AND RAN!"..

not bad.. not bad at all...

[Aeyra 260]

well, i only read the second part... sorry, not a shinran fan, and since in the beginning you said it could turn aicon (even if you yourself will never believe it) i decided to read only the ending i think it's pretty good...

umm ai and hattori being there isn't that random... i mean, they're the only ones who really could understand conan on anything since they're two of hte few people who knows his true identity... well anyways, i loved it, and i intened to dream up a conai ending for this story XD

lol anywyas, great job ^^

Thanks, especially coming from a ConAi(no offense.) it's just that someone on fanfiction commented that it was a little random so I decided to put in that note. ^-^ Glad you liked it! It took me about a day and a half of straight writing to complete.

[Kiel95 86]

Thanks, especially coming from a ConAi(no offense.) it's just that someone on fanfiction commented that it was a little random so I decided to put in that note. ^-^ Glad you liked it! It took me about a day and a half of straight writing to complete.

glad it's working out for ya i love to write as well (as you might be able to guess from my 'Downfall of the Syndicate' writings..

anyways, good luck in your writings!

[Aeyra 260]

glad it's working out for ya i love to write as well (as you might be able to guess from my 'Downfall of the Syndicate' writings..

anyways, good luck in your writings!

Oh, I actually saw the end of that when I was looking through the Blue Beluga Thingy, and I'm sorry to say this but I don't read AiCon, unless Ran does not exist. (ever read 'Chardonnay and Sherry' on fanfiction? That's the only kind of ShinShiho I'll support. Same with this one where Ai's a student and Shinichi's a teacher, can't remember the name though...

[Kiel95 86]

nope, never read either of those oh well, i did write a valentines day and halloween fanfic (two seperate ones of course) the valentines day one though, that's a two part, the first part is for the shinrans, if you were an aicon you'd read the first and second part...

anyways, good luck in your writings!

[Xenonkid 2]

it's so tragic that it broke me down into tears T_T

[Aeyra 260]

it's so tragic that it broke me down into tears T_T

Really? I'm glad my writing was able to move someone. Thanks.

[Sayomi 17]

This story's so sad T-T but I really liked it I favorited it on fanfiction.net xD Even though this would be too angsty for Gosho to put into the plot, I can kind of imagine this happening... I love your writing!

[Detective S.H 0]

It was so sad that I cried.

It was really really good.