dw5chaosfan 8 Report post Posted April 1, 2011 B.O. hideout... Gin,"welcome, Kudo Shinichi. Your friends have been delayed so that you will be by yourself here, though I never expected you to come this far. Now, you will be the first of your group to die here and then everyone else will follow, starting with the girl." Conan grabs the secret gun the professor made him long ago. He knew the shoe would be shot before he could pull off a kick. He remembered Dr.Agasa's warning,"you can only use this once." He smiled with sadness and hatred,"Then I plan to go down fighting." Without thinking, he loaded the secret 500 bullet case into the gun. To Gin's surprise, he started firing wildly. The bullets were made not of metal, but of Gamma rays which will destroy their projectile in a matter of time. When Conan finished his insane onslaught, Gin was dead from multiple radiation to the powerful rays. But not before Conan himself was shot in the lungs. The others, meanwhile, had taken down the other members of the B.O. The police had arrived and arrested them all, but the boss escaped. The group's main attention was on the unconscious Conan, and tears filled their eyes. Haibara had gotten all the data about the APTX4869, but when she arrived, she seemed to have realized that it was too late. Thinking that he was dead, she and Heiji revealed to the others his final secret-his true identity as the Great detective. Shinichi's funeral... Ran,"I had loved him, and thought he had forever betrayed me, but he was protecting me all along, and sacrificed his life trying to keep me safe!!!*more tears* Then, to everyone's surprise, the coffin opened, and Conan's body pushed through, squinting while trying to shout,"you people think I would Die that easily?!" Before he fainted. Sorry guys, cahpter 2 will come either later tonight or tomorrow. See ya! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dw5chaosfan 8 Report post Posted April 1, 2011 Here is chapter 2(damn it my typing skills suck even though my grammar is really good) Hospital... Heiji," What happened to you, you had no pulse, and we all thought you were dead!!" Shinichi,"I think I took the pill from the Sherlock Holmes movie that allowed Lord Blackwood to have no pulse by accident." Ran,"So what will you do now?" Haibara,"The antidote is ready." Shinichi,"Oh, goodie. Now I can return to my REAL body and hunt down the boss of that stupid organization, who happens to be the guy who I lent my house to." Ran,"Subaru-san?" Shinichi,"yeah, and he is going to pay." Ran,"Can the rest of you leave? We want to talk about something privately." Heiji,"Sure, why not."*winks* The scene gets a little perverted from here but it is the last scene so if you want me to continue then comment on my profile. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Aeyra 260 Report post Posted April 1, 2011 This is weird... And not making much sense... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
IdentityUnknown 216 Report post Posted April 1, 2011 Um, description, lengthen it, etc. etc. I agree with Aeyra, the story isn't making much sense right now. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Aeyra 260 Report post Posted April 1, 2011 Here is chapter 2(damn it my typing skills suck even though my grammar is really good) Hospital... Heiji," What happened to you, you had no pulse, and we all thought you were dead!!" Shinichi,"I think I took the pill from the Sherlock Holmes movie that allowed Lord Blackwood to have no pulse by accident." Ran,"So what will you do now?" Haibara,"The antidote is ready." Shinichi,"Oh, goodie. Now I can return to my REAL body and hunt down the boss of that stupid organization, who happens to be the guy who I lent my house to." Ran,"Subaru-san?" Shinichi,"yeah, and he is going to pay." Ran,"Can the rest of you leave? We want to talk about something privately." Heiji,"Sure, why not."*winks* The scene gets a little perverted from here but it is the last scene so if you want me to continue then comment on my profile. No offense, but this grammar is terrible. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dw5chaosfan 8 Report post Posted April 1, 2011 I know that I suck at grammar so shut up about it, math nerd. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dw5chaosfan 8 Report post Posted April 1, 2011 Who wants me to continue this scene with what I said? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Aeyra 260 Report post Posted April 2, 2011 I know that I suck at grammar so shut up about it, math nerd. Umm, that's blunt and more than a little rude. Who wants me to continue this scene with what I said? If you added detail and fixed some grammar, yes, as long as it doesn't go too inappropriate. (and it has to be ShinRan or HeiShin or KaiShin) I can help you with your writing if you'd like. I'm a beta, and an author on fanfiction, so I have experience. Like the beginning of your story could be fixed to this: In a dark corner of abandoned warehouse, the former headquarters of the Black Organization, lay Gin, eyes gleaming hungrily with anticipation. He heard the crunches of footsteps near him, the figure the shape of a child, face shadowed as he approached. Only the boy had arrived. This was his opportunity. "Welcome, Kudo Shinichi. I trust that you realize that you will be the only one coming, correct? I'm having my comrades deal with the rest of your friends." No noise from the small boy, only silence. Slightly annoyed with the reaction, Gin continued. "That means you're completely alone. The game's over for you." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dw5chaosfan 8 Report post Posted April 3, 2011 Aerya maybe you can write the rest of this story.(with a ShinRan kiss scene to begin it and NOTHING GAY!UNDERSTAND?) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Aeyra 260 Report post Posted April 3, 2011 Aerya maybe you can write the rest of this story.(with a ShinRan kiss scene to begin it and NOTHING GAY!UNDERSTAND?) I usually don't write gay... I'm still in the middle of the first one. Write the story? I would, but I'm already working on four. Avenging a Thief (4000 word chapter minimum), The Murder of Shinichi Kudo (4000 word chapter minimum, biweekly release), The Magician's Daughter (published on a feel-like-it basis), and Because We are Detectives (my first attempt at Yaoi, currently exceeding 5,000 words, hardly half finished. Haven't even started the HeiShin yet...) ShinRan kiss scene?! I'll start you off, but that's all I'll do. With a rush of fire and electricity, the very air seemed to spark as Shinichi leaned forward and pressed his lips onto Ran's soft ones, his fingers locking hungrily in her dark caramel hair, blue eyes glittering with torrid passion. Ran's eyes widened in surprise, but then became gentle, closing as she pressed against him, feeling his strong, warm body against hers. Perfect, like two pieces of a puzzle fitting together. Like it was always meant to be. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
IdentityUnknown 216 Report post Posted April 5, 2011 Aeyra probably is a good editor, I would volunteer except a) Aeyra already did and I'm too busy right now. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
tengaku squared 291 Report post Posted April 5, 2011 Aeyra probably is a good editor, I would volunteer except a) Aeyra already did and I'm too busy right now. My reasons for not volunteering:| a) I'm too lazy Aeyra already did c) I don't write other people's stories Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Aeyra 260 Report post Posted April 6, 2011 My reasons for not volunteering:| a) I'm too lazy Aeyra already did c) I don't write other people's stories ... ... I didn't volunteer. I said I would, but I'm already writing 4 Fanfics. And Moho-kun, send me your next chapter soon. I can't wait to edit the 'after scene'... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
tengaku squared 291 Report post Posted April 6, 2011 And Moho-kun, send me your next chapter soon. I can't wait to edit the 'after scene'... "After scene"? You mean what happens after "Conan" points a gun to Haibara's head? And sorry, BTW it may get delayed. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Aeyra 260 Report post Posted April 6, 2011 "After scene"? You mean what happens after "Conan" points a gun to Haibara's head? And sorry, BTW it may get delayed. Aww... I like death scenes. (proven by the fact that I've killed *counts on fingers*: Shinichi, Ran, Kaito, Ai, and Jii. Planning to kill more though. However, I shall not tell! (not that anyone cares) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dw5chaosfan 8 Report post Posted April 7, 2011 Then they released each other. Ran,"What will you do now?" Shinichi,"What I started. Tell Haibara to get me the pill and tell them to not come inside." Ran,"gotcha." outside... Ran,"Shiho-kun I need an antidote for him." Shiho,"and when is he coming out?" Ran,"When the transformation is over, of course. He said don't come in until it is over." Heiji,"Then why does he let YOU in?" Ran*punches the wall*,"don't even ask." Heiji*whimpers*,"Okay." back inside the room... Ran,"Here's the antidote, Shinichi." Shinichi,"Thanks. Going to take it now and..."*eats pill*,"aghhhhhhhhh" several minutes later... Ran,"Shinichi?" Shinichi*wakes up*,"That whould've been less painful. Anyway, who is paying for my stay? Ran,"Your mom and dad, duh." Shinichi,"Then I plan to get out today afternoon." Ran,"Sure, I'll come back to pick you up." That's the end of chapter2. Release depends on my free time. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kiel95 86 Report post Posted April 14, 2011 ok, i'm sorry, i'm not a huge fan of this style, where it's like a script in a play... and i'm not a fan of the coupling... as previously stated, grammar is not that great, and if more time was spent on it i think you'd do fine... but i feel as if you rushed the story, like you were just slapping it together and throwing it online... i dunno, it just... doesn't feel proper to me... since someone has already offered to give advice, i won't (unless asked) and truthfully, for a shinran story... i just.... don't think i'd want to help write it... i mean, i can give ideas and edit and such... but writing a shinran is... torture for me... if i'm to write a shinran, i'll always write an alternate ending so that i won't kill myself after finishing the story... anyways... the story seems to be interesting from everything i've read so far, but unless the grammar and style of writing changes, i don't know if i'll continue... anyways, good luck, and i'll be back sometime to check this out, and i'll decide then whethere i continue to read or not. I wish you the best ~Kiel Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Aeyra 260 Report post Posted April 15, 2011 BTW, how long do you spend on each chapter? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
J3nny 22 Report post Posted April 16, 2011 No offence, but you're grammar is worse than mine(mine is horrible) And I don't like to read script style story. By the way, you're rushing you're story too fast! And it doesn't make much sense. That is all I have to say, I'm out! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kiel95 86 Report post Posted April 16, 2011 No offence, but you're grammar is worse than mine(mine is horrible) And I don't like to read script style story. By the way, you're rushing you're story too fast! And it doesn't make much sense. That is all I have to say, I'm out! oi oi, you're supposed to give constructive criticism... don't just rip someone to shreds in a matter of moments. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Aeyra 260 Report post Posted April 19, 2011 Agreed... Vero-kun, are u planning to edit this to make it better anytime soon? I'm sure you have the ability. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dw5chaosfan 8 Report post Posted April 23, 2011 If I have the time. By the way, Aeyra, do not carry that nickname to anywhere else other than here. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
IdentityUnknown 216 Report post Posted April 23, 2011 If I have the time. By the way, Aeyra, do not carry that nickname to anywhere else other than here. *smirks* Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dw5chaosfan 8 Report post Posted April 23, 2011 I swear, I know what you are thinking, IdentityUnknown. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
IdentityUnknown 216 Report post Posted April 24, 2011 I swear, I know what you are thinking, IdentityUnknown. *glances off to the side innocently* Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
