scarletmoon 1 Report post Posted April 21, 2011 I finally edited it! only god knows how long i worked on this. well i hope you guys like it but i decided to change the title from THE UPRISING to "Prologue:The Men Clad in Black" Comment and suggest now please. i want to know if this might turn out good. number of words: 2471 i think Three years had passed since the mysterious disappearance of the famous high-school detective Shinichi Kudo and also the disappearance of the traitor Sherry. Up to now the two of them are still stuck in their shrunken forms. Up to now they didn’t have clues as to what the Organization has been up to. The airport seemed busy as usual… People bustling in and out of the building and planes. The edifice itself stirs nostalgia among the people going home after a long while. They will get to see the people whom they left… their loved ones. The ones who came to pick them up are overwhelmed by emotions such as joy and relief that once again they will be with their loved ones. On the other hand… people who will leave to go abroad will usually feel reluctance because they don’t want to leave their family behind. Well, we can say that it is a typical day at the airport. One particular flight brought with it something strange and interesting. It hosted the trip of two mysterious passengers. They seemed to be in a hurry and their outfits only increased suspicions that they were up to no good. They wore black clothing from head to toe. They seemed strange but their rare good-looks may mislead even the keenest observers. The man had slightly long jet-black hair, light-green colored eyes, angular nose, and fair complexion. His body looked like it gets enough exercise and he stood a bit above the average height of 5’4. On the other hand, the woman had long(flowing even) golden-brown hair, intense onyx eyes, and a tad bit paler than usual complexion. Her body and looks were what the onlookers were gaping at. She stood at about the average height of a normal woman. The couple looked like they were somewhere in between late teens and early twenties. They hurriedly went to the conveyor-belt to get their baggage not noticing the stares of the onlookers due to their Anglo-Asian appearance. After that they went straight to the exit and hailed a taxi and were dropped at a nearby hotel. The outside of the hotel was nothing to look at. It looked like an ordinary building. No blinding lights, advertisements, or any of the sort. One should not judge a book by its cover because the inside was something people would like to see. It was simple yet elegant giving a home-like feel to it. The floor was made of wooden boards which are typical in a Japanese home. The walls were adorned by breath-taking paintings of different sceneries which could be seen in Japan. The man then went straight to the desk and asked the attendant for a room for two. The woman looked up and showed a bit of interest in the man but he only glared and after a while took the key and then he headed towards their room. His silent companion said nothing and only followed him. Once the man opened the room using the key he smirked. The woman who was trailing behind him wondered why her companion stopped at the door and soon understood why. Their room looked like a room for couples. It was dimly lit, the bed was King sized and contained heart shaped throw pillows, and there seemed to be pre-prepared wine on the table. There was small couch in front of a big screen TV which seems to be a place to be sat at huddled together. The woman slowly coming back to her senses sarcastically remarked to her companion, “I didn’t know that you were planning to do something to me.” The man said kept a poker face and said in a cold and emotionless tone, “Don’t flatter yourself Vandermint. I think the woman at the desk misunderstood the situation.” The woman supposedly known Vandermint replied, “Fine. Explain why you dragged me here across the globe to Japan this instant Armagnac.” The man called Armagnac said in a cool voice, “Okay. Get in the room. We don’t want to have somebody eavesdrop our conversation.” Vandermint entered the roomed followed by Armagnac who locked the door as soon as they entered. They just left their bags on the floor and went straight to the table to talk. Vandermint broke the silence and asked, “Mind telling me now why you dragged me here?” Armagnac answered, “Okay I’ll explain now. I now have found clues to Sherry’s whereabouts and I now have solid evidence that Shinichi Kudo wasn’t killed by the drug, APTX4869.” Vandermint seemed interested and amused at what Armagnac shared and said, “I see… Do you mind explaining it a bit more?” Armagnac smirked and replied, “Do you remember when I was chosen to replace Sherry in the APTX development?” Vandermint simply answered, “Sure. What about it?” Armagnac seemed annoyed by his companion’s cluelessness and finally said, “Did you notice that when we tested the APTX she had made had an unusual side-effect on some of the specimens?” Vandermint not knowing what Armagnac was pointing to and asked, “So? What is it again? I forgot.” She said in a sarcastic tone. Armagnac getting exasperated said, “God you are hopeless! One out of fifty specimens shrank. Do you get it now?” He said with a slight annoyance in his face. Vandermint slowly absorbed what Armagnac said and felt a click in her brain and said in disbelief, “Your idea is absurd. Do you really think that happened to Kudo? How do you explain Sherry?” Armagnac felt relieved at last as his partner now understood his thoughts and said in a matter-of-fact tone, “I am one hundred percent sure that Kudo shrank after Gin and Vodka tested the drug on him. As for Sherry I think that she drank the APTX hoping that it will kill her but unfortunately for her… it gave her the rare side-effect.” After the words slowly registered in Vandermint’s mind and after a long moment of silence coldly said, “How the hell will we find those two in shrunken bodies?! Are you suggesting that we scour every elementary school in Japan?! We are not even sure that they go to school! What plan do you have in that idiotic brain of yours in finding them?!” Armagnac seemed displeased by Vandermint’s outburst. He fumbled something in his coat pocket and took out a small black box. He put it in the table and showed the contents to Vandermint. Vandermint was utterly shocked by what Armagnac was planning. She sarcastically said, “Oh what are you planning now? Drink the APTX and hope for the best that we will shrink like them. Oh wait! I just remembered… The side-effect is a 1 out of 50 case! Do you even think we have a chance to survive if we drink this?!” Armagnac just kept his cold and emotionless face and finally he chuckled. And said as if he was giving a lecture, “Did you forget why I was the one who was given the job to continue the APTX research? Do you think I do not know the consequences if I am the one currently producing the drug? Just so you know… I pretended to continue the already perfect poison while I was modifying it to perfect the shrinking side-effect and alas these pills are the fruits of my labor.” He said with a smug expression on his face. “So you already thought of everything huh? Do you even expect me to return once again to my childhood state?!” Vandermint said angrily. “You don’t expect me to let Gin have all the fun don’t you He must not know anything about this. This is the only way to locate them you know.” said Armagnac with an irritated tone. Vandermint got exasperated at what Armagnac was saying and shouted, “You have lost your mind! I will never do it!” “Do it for me just this once please.” Said Armagnac in a pleading voice. “I will drink the modified APTX with you. I promise.” Vandermint never really understood why Armagnac only showed his emotions to her. He shows her his weaknesses even though it is prohibited within the Organization. She also never understood how he always entices her to do things with him. “Fine. If it will make you happy. But remember this: If I die because I drank your stupid drug I will haunt you for the rest of your life!” She said in a threatening voice. “We take it now then. And we will start the next phase of our plan once we come to.” Said Armagnac while grinning. He took a pill for himself and handed another one to his companion. “On the count of three… One… Two… Three…” Both were reluctant to take the drug but they drank it… After a short while they finally started to feel pain in their abdomen. Their temperature rose dangerously high and they felt as if their bones were melting. Meanwhile… The attendant at the desk got curious as to what the mysterious couple in black were up to so she took a break and headed in front of the room. When she got there she heard soft moans of pain and totally misunderstood what was happening inside. She was giggling softly and went away to give the couple some privacy. After a couple of hours a little girl with long brown hair and dark onyx eyes woke up and felt a bit dizzy and lightheaded. She thought ‘Strange. Why does the room seem larger?’ She noticed the surroundings and finally realized that her clothes were much too big for her. ‘What happened’ she thought. After a few moments she remembered what had happed a while ago. She remembered that they took the modified APTX. She never thought that it would really work. “Where is that idiot now?” She said outloud in her little girl state voice. “You miss me?” She heard from a voice of a little boy Vandermint turned around and saw the young Armagnac. She was speechless because she thought that this would be a total failure. Armagnac in an annoyed voice said, “I guess that you doubted that we would survive no?” With that Vandermint nodded. She got curious as to what they were going to do next so she asked, “What is the next phase of your plan then huh?” Armagnac enthusiastically said, “We enroll at Teitan elementary! By the way… we have to make new identities for ourselves. We can’t introduce ourselves as Armagnac and Vandermint to a couple of children do we?” Vandermint sighed and sarcastically said, “God don’t tell me that you did this just to relive your childhood. And why Teitan Elementary? Do you think that they are there.” Armagnac just shrugged off what she said. Finally he dully said, “Teitan elementary because they are enrolled there.” Vandermint shocked asked, “Don’t tell me that you have been in cahoots with the traitor this entire time.” “Baka. Did you ever realize that a certain detective named Mouri Kogouro became famous immediately after Kudo Shinichi’s disappearance and the appearance of a boy named Edogawa Conan who so happened to have been left by his parents there.” Said the annoyed Armagnac “Fine. Whatever floats your boat. What do we do now then?” asked Vandermint “Leave for Beika of course but before that… out fake identities first. From now on call me Seiji Shimizu. 10 year-old.” Said Armagnac with a smirk on his face. “Who might you be milady?” Vandermint thought of a name and after a long moment of silence said, “Aiko Sakamoto. Nice to meet you Seiji-kun.” Said Aiko with a grin on her face. “Nice to meet you to Aiko-chan. Shall we leave now.” Asked Seiji, the adult turned child To be continued… Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sayomi 17 Report post Posted April 21, 2011 This is pretty good ^.^ Keep writing! I can't wait to see what happens when Conan and Haibara meet them :3 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
scarletmoon 1 Report post Posted April 21, 2011 This is pretty good ^.^ Keep writing! I can't wait to see what happens when Conan and Haibara meet them :3 thanks ^^ this is my first so i'm kinda nervous as to how it turns out but i will try to post the next one in 2-3 days i think? haha Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kiel95 86 Report post Posted April 21, 2011 just so you know, i did find quite a few grammatical errors which bugged me... like when you were talking about their ages you said Like the man she looked about the same age as the man what should have been said is "She looked to be the same age as him." the way you phrased it was quite odd. anyways, this story is quite interesting, but i'm not sure if i'll continue... i've never had much interest in stories where people other than conan and ai have been shrunk... i don't like the idea of it... well, that about sums up what i had to say... and your signature kind of goes against how you said not to flame too hard since you're 14, and then your signature says to not treat you like a kid... well... most people flame others, whether you're a kid or not, age doesn't matter, the best you can hope for would be constructive criticism, so i suggest changing what you said in the beginning and say : "Please do not flame, but all CONSTRUCTIVE criticism is encouraged and helpful" You don't need to throw out your age, as it's also in you're signature anywyas, good luck with your story, hope it turns out for the best Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
scarletmoon 1 Report post Posted April 21, 2011 just so you know, i did find quite a few grammatical errors which bugged me... like when you were talking about their ages you said what should have been said is "She looked to be the same age as him." the way you phrased it was quite odd. anyways, this story is quite interesting, but i'm not sure if i'll continue... i've never had much interest in stories where people other than conan and ai have been shrunk... i don't like the idea of it... well, that about sums up what i had to say... and your signature kind of goes against how you said not to flame too hard since you're 14, and then your signature says to not treat you like a kid... well... most people flame others, whether you're a kid or not, age doesn't matter, the best you can hope for would be constructive criticism, so i suggest changing what you said in the beginning and say : "Please do not flame, but all CONSTRUCTIVE criticism is encouraged and helpful" You don't need to throw out your age, as it's also in you're signature anywyas, good luck with your story, hope it turns out for the best thanks for the feedback Kiel this is the only original idea that i had in my mind for now. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Aeyra 260 Report post Posted April 21, 2011 Yeah, age is kind of irrelevant when it comes to story writing. Unless you're three or something, some people don't care whether or not they flame you. It's.... interesting to say the least but I'd like to see more detail. I have a hard time visualizing anything. What I usually say is 'Pretend you're watching the anime. Describe the scenery, people, feelings, and make sure others can see it with you.' It seems rushed, and somehow it sounds as if you slapped on the last few lines. I'm not trying to flame you or anything, just giving you what I like to see. I hope the tips helped... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
scarletmoon 1 Report post Posted April 21, 2011 Yeah, age is kind of irrelevant when it comes to story writing. Unless you're three or something, some people don't care whether or not they flame you. It's.... interesting to say the least but I'd like to see more detail. I have a hard time visualizing anything. What I usually say is 'Pretend you're watching the anime. Describe the scenery, people, feelings, and make sure others can see it with you.' It seems rushed, and somehow it sounds as if you slapped on the last few lines. I'm not trying to flame you or anything, just giving you what I like to see. I hope the tips helped... thanks ayera this is my first time to write something and i really need help to improve further Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kiel95 86 Report post Posted April 21, 2011 thanks ayera this is my first time to write something and i really need help to improve further Don't worry, most of us are here to help I usually only browse the stories forum since i love to read other stories and see other writing styles... and i also like to help those in need... sure i can't spend every waking moment helping ppl improve, and i'm not the best with grammar myself (i'm getting a B in english ... and tenses piss me off) but i can usually help at least a little bit with other people's stories... and i don't mind helping if you need it so, good luck, and keep writing, you'll definitely get better! Age has nothing to do with it, it all depends on practice and experience Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tna Uchiha 23 Report post Posted April 22, 2011 Pretty interesting! I'd like to know how the story will go . I'm looking forward to the next chapter! Yeah, Aeyra was right. You have to visualize more specifically about the ambiance so there'll be no rush impression anymore. But I understand you, I frequently find it hard to visualize some details when making story since English isn't my mother tongue So far, it's pretty nice, keep working on, scarletmoon! xD @ Kiel: Would you help me too about correcting grammatical errors? xD Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
scarletmoon 1 Report post Posted April 22, 2011 Pretty interesting! I'd like to know how the story will go . I'm looking forward to the next chapter! Yeah, Aeyra was right. You have to visualize more specifically about the ambiance so there'll be no rush impression anymore. But I understand you, I frequently find it hard to visualize some details when making story since English isn't my mother tongue So far, it's pretty nice, keep working on, scarletmoon! xD @ Kiel: Would you help me too about correcting grammatical errors? xD thanks for the support tna i will try to do better. english is not my mother tongue too you know xD Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tna Uchiha 23 Report post Posted April 22, 2011 thanks for the support tna i will try to do better. english is not my mother tongue too you know xD Yeah, I truly knew, that's why I understood how you felt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kiel95 86 Report post Posted April 22, 2011 Pretty interesting! I'd like to know how the story will go . I'm looking forward to the next chapter! Yeah, Aeyra was right. You have to visualize more specifically about the ambiance so there'll be no rush impression anymore. But I understand you, I frequently find it hard to visualize some details when making story since English isn't my mother tongue So far, it's pretty nice, keep working on, scarletmoon! xD @ Kiel: Would you help me too about correcting grammatical errors? xD sure i can help you with things you're having trouble on just send it to me in a message, or post which one you'd like me to look over onto my profile i can check em out and tell you what i see (but i guarantee you, me and tenses hate each other... i can do ok with them, but somehow, they always want to stab me in the back when i least expect it -.-) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tna Uchiha 23 Report post Posted April 22, 2011 sure i can help you with things you're having trouble on just send it to me in a message, or post which one you'd like me to look over onto my profile i can check em out and tell you what i see (but i guarantee you, me and tenses hate each other... i can do ok with them, but somehow, they always want to stab me in the back when i least expect it -.-) Thanks, Kiel! Will do for my next fics <3 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kiel95 86 Report post Posted April 22, 2011 Thanks, Kiel! Will do for my next fics <3 mmk Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Aeyra 260 Report post Posted April 22, 2011 thanks ayera this is my first time to write something and i really need help to improve further No problem. I remember my first time writing a fanfic... *shivers* *burns papers* Yeah, not the best memories I have.... Anyways, if you need help, I can give you some. I actually beta for Mohorovicic, and I fix tenses, add detail, and whatnot. I have an A in English, and always have. ^0^ If you want me to help, just leave a comment for me somewhere... Somewhere where I'll find it... Unlike Pyre... (has anyone found her name?) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Aeyra 260 Report post Posted April 22, 2011 thanks ayera this is my first time to write something and i really need help to improve further No problem. I remember my first time writing a fanfic... *shivers* *burns papers* Yeah, not the best memories I have.... Anyways, if you need help, I can give you some. I actually beta for Mohorovicic, and I fix tenses, add detail, and whatnot. I have an A in English, and always have. ^0^ If you want me to help, just leave a comment for me somewhere... Somewhere where I'll find it... Unlike Pyre... (has anyone found her name?) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
IdentityUnknown 216 Report post Posted April 22, 2011 No problem. I remember my first time writing a fanfic... *shivers* *burns papers* Yeah, not the best memories I have.... Anyways, if you need help, I can give you some. I actually beta for Mohorovicic, and I fix tenses, add detail, and whatnot. I have an A in English, and always have. ^0^ If you want me to help, just leave a comment for me somewhere... Somewhere where I'll find it... Unlike Pyre... (has anyone found her name?) I beta too, but since you're ConAi, you might prefer Kiel. My first time writing a fanfic...*shudders* That was so HORRIBLE. I don't even get the point of it. My second was also a disaster... Now my English is at an A+ (if you went by the standards of my previous school, my current school doesn't have an A+). I'm beta-ing for Aeyra and Phalanx (other OP writer). Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kiel95 86 Report post Posted April 22, 2011 I beta too, but since you're ConAi, you might prefer Kiel. My first time writing a fanfic...*shudders* That was so HORRIBLE. I don't even get the point of it. My second was also a disaster... Now my English is at an A+ (if you went by the standards of my previous school, my current school doesn't have an A+). I'm beta-ing for Aeyra and Phalanx (other OP writer). hahaha, i wish i had an A+ in my english... but all those stupid vocabulary quizzes and poetry and crap like that stuff gets in the way of my grades (we stopped learning grammer a while ago... now we're mainly on english literature... which i also find to be crap) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
scarletmoon 1 Report post Posted April 24, 2011 half-finished with the edited version. god its difficult :shock: Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Aeyra 260 Report post Posted April 24, 2011 hahaha, i wish i had an A+ in my english... but all those stupid vocabulary quizzes and poetry and crap like that stuff gets in the way of my grades (we stopped learning grammer a while ago... now we're mainly on english literature... which i also find to be crap) I got a B+ on my only grammar test... But I lost a point for not following the directions that weren't even stinking there!!! English lit is okay, but writing is the best if you get to choose what to write. (and if you can actually think of a story that doesn't involve DC somehow someway. ) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kiel95 86 Report post Posted April 24, 2011 I got a B+ on my only grammar test... But I lost a point for not following the directions that weren't even stinking there!!! English lit is okay, but writing is the best if you get to choose what to write. (and if you can actually think of a story that doesn't involve DC somehow someway. ) writing? of course thats the chosen profession i'd like. i'm going to major in creative writing, and probably minor in some english class... anyways, i already write other stories, which has actualy been part of the reason i haven't really been writing fanfics in a while... i get distracted with my new stories, and then... well... fanfics stopped being as important to me as the stories i created.. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Aeyra 260 Report post Posted April 24, 2011 writing? of course thats the chosen profession i'd like. i'm going to major in creative writing, and probably minor in some english class... anyways, i already write other stories, which has actualy been part of the reason i haven't really been writing fanfics in a while... i get distracted with my new stories, and then... well... fanfics stopped being as important to me as the stories i created.. That used to be me.. Till I got addicted to DC. Then my usual stories lost their magic. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kiel95 86 Report post Posted April 25, 2011 That used to be me.. Till I got addicted to DC. Then my usual stories lost their magic. thats the way it was for me... but somehow i got back into writing my own stories and i've picked up again... now i can't stop writing my own... but maybe that's cuz i've started to write a new type of story... i'm kinda surprised by it, but i can't help but write them and it's driving me insane because i'm writing them!!! gaaah ... sometimes i like to write what i wish would happen to me... yeah... and since i know it'll never happen, it's driven me crazy y'see? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
IdentityUnknown 216 Report post Posted April 25, 2011 I got a B+ on my only grammar test... But I lost a point for not following the directions that weren't even stinking there!!! English lit is okay, but writing is the best if you get to choose what to write. (and if you can actually think of a story that doesn't involve DC somehow someway. ) Lol. My teacher takes off points if the format isn't exactly the way he wants it... *smiles* I'm pretty sure you guys would all be surprised if you knew my actual age... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kiel95 86 Report post Posted April 25, 2011 i like what you did to edit it it's written well, much better than what i can do XD sure i can come up with ideas, its the writing part o mine that sucks but i love how you edited it ^^ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
