OldJustal 36 Report post Posted September 4, 2011 Update : 'This will go on a big hiatus ! Thanks for all the help for editing and stuff ! Warning ! This is a ShinShi fanfic ! If you don't like ShinShi I recommend you don't read this ! Disclaimer I don't own anything from DC. All the names I used belong to their rightfull owner. A/N This is my first FanFic hope you will like it. If you have any critic or tips please tell me. It's 8 am in the morning, when the sun shines at it brightest. Shinichi wokes up and greeted his wife. “Good morning, Shiho my dear.” ”Ah,” she moaned softly. Shiho walked to Shinichi and gave him a kiss. *smooch* She then hugged Shinichi and said a bit sarcastically, “Oh, so a non-romantic guy like you actually likes kisses?” Shinichi pretended to frown and said, “Naturally I like it cause it was from you.” Suddenly, Shinichi's cellphone began to ring. He scrambled to pick it up and instantly heard Takagi's voice on the line. "Shinichi, come as fast as you can! We have a case!" After mentally jotting down the details, Shinichi shoved the phone in his pocket and turned to Shiho. “I need to go, Dear!” he said with an ounce of regret. “See you tonight!” Shiho smiled in understanding. “Another case?” Shinichi nodded. “Duty calls!” oOo Shinichi ran as fast as he could to the crime scene, hoping to prevent any further killing from taking place. After finding the evidence which pointed to the real murderer, he set out to locate him. Half an hour later, he located his target, but the culprit ran way. Shinichi chased him down town, but lost him in a crowd. At last, he pinpointed his location: it was a restaurant across the street. The Great Detective hurried to stop him from attempting to escape, without giving a thought to his own safety. Suddenly, he heard a honking noise. Glancing around, he saw to his horror that a huge black truck was headed his way. He tried to turn back, but it was too late. It crashed with full force into his body. Shinichi saw a man covered in white with a guy covered in black next to him. Shinichi breathed his last breath and said, “Shiho ..I...L…o…v…e…You…and collapsed backwards into the ground. The Great Detective of the East was no more. When Inspector Megure and Takagi heard about the accident, they hurried over to the scene and confirmed for themselves. ”Takagi, contact his wife,” Megure ordered. Takagi was shocked and instinctively replied with a “Yes!” His fingers were trembling as he dialed the number. Back at home, Shiho was typing on her computer when the phone rang. Getting up from her seat, she rushed to pick it up. "Hello, Kudo residence. How may I help you?" "Hello, is this Kudo Shinichi's wife?" came a nervous voice from the other end. "Why, yes it is. Is this Officer Takagi?" she asked. "Yes, Maam. I called to say that your husband--" "What's wrong with my husband? Did something bad happen to him?" Shiho asked anxiously. "I'm sorry to say that we found him lying unconscious on the street. It appears that he met an accident while investigating a crime scene," Takagi slowly explained the painful truth. "No!" she screamed. Impossible. He couldn’t have died so easily! "I'm really sorry, Maam. We rushed him to the hospital. You should come at once." "I will." She put the phone down with trembling fingers. Tears slid down her cheek and she began to sob. Shinichi, please be safe, she cried, rushing outside to hail a taxi. oOo When she reached the hospital, nurses and attendants were rushing around. One of them took her to her husband's room, where she saw the police officers gathered around Shinichi's lifeless body. “Madam please stay calm,” Megure tried to calm her down. How can I be calm if my man died!" she screamed, choking back tears. “Why…why...why does he need to die? My dear Shinichi, why did you leave me!" Her tears kept flowing freely and no one could stop her. oOo Three days later, the funeral was held in Beika city. The sky was cloudy and it began to rain. You could hear the soft patter of the raindrops going tik...tok..tik.tak.tok..tik...tok. As Shinichi was lowered into the grave, Ran passed by and cried, saying, "Shinichi, you were my childhood friend and my one best friend and I will really miss you." Mouri, who was known to hate Shinichi still said respectfully, “You were a good detective. I hope you have a nice time in heaven.” Inspector Megure said, “Shinichi we will miss you” and saluted with officers Sato and Takagi at his side. Professor Agasa could not control his tears from flowing down his cheeks. "Shinichi, you were like a grandson to me. I will miss you just as much as your parents will." His parents stood before the grave stared at the coffin. They cried for ten minutes before saying farewell to their brave son. "I will miss you terribly, my son. You will always be in our hearts. For me, you will always be the greatest detective there ever was," said Yusaku. "Shin-chan, maybe you can tour us around Heaven when we die," Yukiko tried to joke. "You need to take care of yourself or I will come and get you!" She fought to hold back her tears but could not. He was her only son and she, along with everyone else, would surely miss him. After everyone had the chance to lay flowers and say their last goodbyes, the Priest followed the necessary procedures, then at last gave the command to close the grave. Finally, a stone memorial was erected on top. Hope you have enjoyed it! There gonna be a continuation. Update Thanks for all the critic. I will update this once in while after i have found flaws in it. It will become better and better. 3 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lovestruck 70 Report post Posted September 4, 2011 Couldn't you write alot? :V I like ShinShi!~ :V You did pretty awesome job !!~~ And about the mistakes I dunno .. I know zero about fanfic :V Anyway again, I'm proud of you. !!!!~ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
OldJustal 36 Report post Posted September 4, 2011 I could write more .... But i want it to keep in parts. If i wrote to much i would only have 2 parts ... i don't want that. And now i don't have any imagination anymore... i died this morning to finish this. I totally killed my imagination to make this part. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Amaranth 52 Report post Posted September 4, 2011 Hmm...interesting. You said we may go ahead and criticize as much as we want. Well, I can be a very harsh critic, but I'm not good at giving tips. Anyway, keep going! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
OldJustal 36 Report post Posted September 4, 2011 i'm not scared for critic. All my friends say my idea sucks ! 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Amaranth 52 Report post Posted September 4, 2011 Which friends in particular? The ones here in DCW? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
OldJustal 36 Report post Posted September 4, 2011 Nope Real life friends ! they have nothing with anime/manga ...... 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hopes 237 Report post Posted September 5, 2011 Interesting idea... Do you need me to beta? I'll be happy to help... You should write some more detail and explain how Shinichi was killed. It was also a little too fast-paced, you should slow down a bit. ^^ I like it so far, but there's lot you can do to improve. If I'm being too critical, tell me!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
OldJustal 36 Report post Posted September 5, 2011 no it's not that critical ! i was planning to let shiho come behind who killed Shinichi but there's actually a greater plot behind it >_< ! that will come in part 2 with a time skip ! 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Amaranth 52 Report post Posted September 5, 2011 I can take care of the first level of editing. Chels can take care of the next level (details, dialogue, fine-tuning) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hopes 237 Report post Posted September 5, 2011 That's fine by me, Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
OldJustal 36 Report post Posted September 5, 2011 Thanks you guys ! >_< ! You've helped me much now only clear all my notifications so you guys can pm me <3 ! 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hopes 237 Report post Posted September 5, 2011 Alright!! PM me when it's my turn. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kiel95 86 Report post Posted September 5, 2011 hey~ i love that it's shinshi and i'll continue to read as you post, but it might be best if i don't critique as much as i want to... As previously stated, it was quite fast paced, and too much so at that. it was hard to understand exactly what was going on when. also the grammar needs quite a bit of touch-up~ i usually try not to be too picky with grammar, but the sentences are laden with problems and it makes it hard on the brain when looking for a leisure read... there's a saying "Keep it short and sweet" usually i can agree with that when it comes to writing small parts out... but i believe it was a bit too short, but not necessarily sweet (don't ask for my definition of sweet for this phrase, it's too hard to define...) well, good luck, and i'll continue reading Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Amaranth 52 Report post Posted September 6, 2011 Alright!! PM me when it's my turn. You still have to help me with my fic MUM Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Aeyra 260 Report post Posted September 6, 2011 I hope you don't find my critique too harsh... I'm only trying to help. Just keep that in mind before you read the rest of this. I'm trying not to sugar-coat my comments, because in the end, the one who loses will be the writer. This story is rushed and pretty hard to understand. I understand English probably isn't your first language (I don't know where you're from), so I understand the grammar mistakes can't really be helped, English is complicated. Some things I want to point out are inconsistencies where you mark your dialogue. For parts of it you put it in quotes, and some you just leave unmarked. About details and plotline. Details always help a story flow, and I say, the more detail, the better! As long as your words don't repeat, don't ramble on too long, and don't kill your readers. For example, for the first part, you could detail it like this. 'Shinichi yawned as he woke up, turning his head to see his wife, Shiho, lying peacefully next to him, her strawberry-blonde hair spilling over the white sheets. He softly stroked the smooth, sweet-smelling strands, smiling as he said, "Good morning, Shiho dear." ' Well, you don't have to detail it like me, because I usually end writing a paragraph to describe a person's smile and how it relates to their eyes. But detail would be quite appreciated. The detail is especially important when it came to Shinichi's death. At the moment, I'm trying to figure out what killed him. 'Accident' usually means death by some car accident, so I'm presuming he was driving his car and was hit by something, or he was walking and a car hit him. If he was murdered, then you'll want to say, 'his head was bleeding from where the skull had been crushed by a heavy object' or 'a knife protruded from his back, dying the skin and clothes around it a deep, muddy-red', really, just anything that'll tell us what happened. Otherwise, we're all left hanging in the dark if you catch my drift. For the funeral, is there a reason Shiho doesn't say anything? If she's crying in the back, unable to say good-bye, then you have to tell us or we'll think she's disappeared. And if she simply isn't there... That's a detail you need to mention. Otherwise it feels as if you've forgotten Shiho. I liked the things the characters said as they passed his grave, but it'd be better if you described the emotion behind their voices. Each of them is missing Shinichi for a different reason, and some you can just leave out. For example, only two or three characters should really have to say something, the rest could just pass by and give their respect. Otherwise it starts sounding like a list. I'd suggest the few people to be Ran, Shinichi's parents, perhaps Agasa, and definitely Shiho if you decide to mention her. Think if it like a photo. The characters that are important are crisp and clear, very detailed, and the background ones are a bit blurry, there, but don't hd the same effect. You need to decide which ones are crisp and clear, and which ones are blurry. If they're all clear, we don't know which one to focus on, and if they're all blurry, we have a hard time figuring out what was important. So I suggest more detail, and exclusion of less important characters. Also, for funeral scenes like this, try and set a goal. Try and make the audience cry. It's hard, but I think with a lot of effort, you could do it. Show us everybody's tears, tell us about the depressed, lifeless atmosphere, like the color has been sucked out, describe how Shinichi's picture smiles at them, how happy he looks, how he'll never smile again. Bring out small things, happy memories, little Conan, previous, fantastically-solved cases, things that make us smile, and yet sad because we know that person is now gone. As far as characterization went, you did a fair job of it, and there's nothing here that strikes me as being extremely out of character. (I put aside my ShinRan prejudices in order to judge this better.) My only lronlem is that Shiho's character is pretty cold, so her interactions with Shinichi are probably a form of romantic bickering, not the perfect always sweet type. She likes teasing. (you could use "So the great detective finally decided to wake up! I thought you'd stay in bed all day, love."<- I think I stole this from some DraMione fanfic I was reading...) So all in all, there's a lot that could be improved, but I think you're capable of it. Just remember. Detail. That's the most important element of a story besides plot and characters. Otherwise, we're just listening to monotone. Sorry if any of this was too harsh, but I'm willing to help if you ask! So don't be afraid to ask me how to improve, and please do mention it if you'd like some sugar-coating. 2 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
IdentityUnknown 216 Report post Posted September 6, 2011 I'd give the complete harsh editor package, but Aeyra's already gone and done it for me. :V Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
OldJustal 36 Report post Posted September 6, 2011 Thanks for the critic >_< ! I appreciate the tips very much ! i will try to work on that ! 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hopes 237 Report post Posted September 6, 2011 Holy crap, Aya-chan. :shock: Well, I'm not as "serious" as she is... Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I think it's bad.. >.< Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Aeyra 260 Report post Posted September 6, 2011 Holy crap, Aya-chan. :shock: Well, I'm not as "serious" as she is... Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I think it's bad.. >.< Holy crap? Most people aren't as serious as I am.... XD I demand perfection from myself! Which is why I usually fail and rewrite things fifty times over! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hopes 237 Report post Posted September 6, 2011 I-I see... *Person who writes and is fine with the first draft* Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Aeyra 260 Report post Posted September 6, 2011 I'm still going paranoid without a beta for my Harry Potter story.. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hopes 237 Report post Posted September 6, 2011 Hm... I never use beta-readers, so... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Amaranth 52 Report post Posted September 6, 2011 Holy crap? Most people aren't as serious as I am.... XD I demand perfection from myself! Which is why I usually fail and rewrite things fifty times over! I'm blown away. I usually only rewrite chapters 10-15 times AFTER POSTING THEM, which is probably the only way I survive without a beta. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hopes 237 Report post Posted September 7, 2011 EH?! :shock: :shock: :shock: YOU TWO ARE INSANE!! Well, I guess that's why my chapters suck so much... *sigh* I write mine only once and re-read and edit it maybe once more or twice. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
