-The Rising Angel- 48 Report post Posted September 25, 2011 Hi! This is Kanna (or Namu) here! So this a story about my twin, Roseline, and I. Enjoy!~ Chapter 1 A long time ago, 2 girls were born at the same time in one castle of the Royal Night Family, in Japan. Those 2 were identical, but one thing was different, their hair color; one had blonde hair and one had brown hair. Their parents were so pround of them, and as usually, they gave to the 2 girls a necklace, each one receiving half of it. But while at the castle everything was perfect, the villagers heard about the 2 little girls and, under the lead of the family's enemy, they started a revolution against the Noble Family...then everything was a chaos... The head of the family and the 2 girls's father asked his loyals knights, Edward and Kanaku, to take care of them. The knights took the girls and left the country with them, each one going to a different continent. Before leaving, thir mother wrote their names on the pendants and feed them a potion to make them stay as infants for many years. *900 years later,a girl named Iris (Ayame) was looking for a site where she could chat about Detective Conan anime and she found DCW. There she met a lot of DC lovers, but she was a bit affraid so she hold her necklace tight...She didn't knew where she get it from, but she knew that it hold a big secret...or so said Kanaku, her best friend. She looked at the back of the neckles...there were engraved an "R" and half of another letter and her name, "IRIS". *900 years later, a girl named Rose (Roseline) was looking for a site where she could chat about Detective Conan anime and she found DCW. There she met a lot of DC lovers, but she was a bit affraid so she hold her necklace tight...She didn't knew where she get it from, but she knew that it hold a big secret...or so said Esward, her best friend. She looked at the back of the neckles...there were engraved a half of a letter and an "F" and her name "ROSE" The 2 girls spoke and found out that they had the same birthday and both of them likes vampires and other stuff, so they became online twins...what they didn't knew was that they had a dark past... One day: "Twiny~" said Rose to Ayame, "How are you today?" "Now I'm better...earlier I allmost lost my necklace" "It's important to you?" "My best friend, Kanaku, gave it to me. He told me to take care of it because it holds an important secre, but he didn't told me what the secret was" "Really?" "Do you think I lie?" "No, it's not that...my best friend, Edward, gave me a necklace and told me the same word!" "How in the world...?" "Do you have a picture of it?" "Sure wait a little" After a few seconds, the image of the necklace was on the screen... Rose couldn't belive her eyes: "No...way..." "Rose, what's wrong?" "Where did you get that pendant from?" "I told you, I had it from Kanaku..." "Where did he took it from?" "He told me that he had it since I was born" "This can't be...Look at my pendant" And the other necklace apeared on the screen...the 2 of them were allmost identically "Rose, what is the meaning of this?" "I don't know, but we'll find out!" That was for the 1st chapter...How is it? The next chapters new characters: Hano and Miko-chan Tell me if you want to be in the story and I'll add you 5 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kid the Phantom Thief 252 Report post Posted September 25, 2011 Hmm, interesting. A few typos, but it's great!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Hejle 20 Report post Posted September 25, 2011 It's cool... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
-The Rising Angel- 48 Report post Posted September 25, 2011 Hmm, interesting. A few typos, but it's great!! What's that??? Oh, I'll put you too in the story, but I don't know in which chapter... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kid the Phantom Thief 252 Report post Posted September 25, 2011 What's that??? Oh, I'll put you too in the story, but I don't know in which chapter... :V It's this. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
-The Rising Angel- 48 Report post Posted September 25, 2011 :V It's this. Ups...hehehe... I'm gonna correct all the mistakes once Rose read it Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kid the Phantom Thief 252 Report post Posted September 25, 2011 Ups...hehehe... I'm gonna correct all the mistakes once Rose read it Okay! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
- Ryuuji - 57 Report post Posted September 25, 2011 It's funny and interesting :3 +1 rep :] I like how you're both 900 years old XD Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Emiko Seiei 46 Report post Posted September 25, 2011 Oooh~ pretty interesting. There are a few grammar mistakes, but it's still really good I agree with Banana-kun(Ryuuji)! It's funny that you are 900 years old xD very cool~ Anyways, overall, I like your story I can't wait for the next chapter Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
-The Rising Angel- 48 Report post Posted September 26, 2011 Thanks, guys but I won't make the next chapter until Rose read this one... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Metantei Kiddo 147 Report post Posted September 26, 2011 Hmm, interesting. A few typos, but it's great!! Yep Yep anyway, great stories deserves a rep Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
-The Rising Angel- 48 Report post Posted September 26, 2011 Thanks Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Metantei Kiddo 147 Report post Posted September 26, 2011 your welcome Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lovestruck 70 Report post Posted September 26, 2011 honey, i did read it~~ and i just cannot say how awesome it is~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LOVE YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ +1 p.s reps will increase with every chapter you write,, HURRY xD Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Detective Rohit 38 Report post Posted September 26, 2011 Keep Posting such stories Natsumi Nechan, it was very good Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
-The Rising Angel- 48 Report post Posted September 26, 2011 Keep Posting such stories Natsumi Nechan, it was very good I have a whole notebook full with stories but I don't have enough time to write them... anyway today will appear the next chapter Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Detective Rohit 38 Report post Posted September 26, 2011 Post the whole notebook Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
-The Rising Angel- 48 Report post Posted September 26, 2011 Post the whole notebook Which one ...and I can't 'cause there are too much... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
-The Rising Angel- 48 Report post Posted October 30, 2011 I thought that I should write the next chapter...Sorry that I wrote it this late and sorry for the double-posting >_< Hope you like it "Rose, what is the meaning of this?" "I don't know, but we'll find out!" "So what are we going to do now?" "We're gonna dig this secret up to the light..." Iris sounded as decided as never... "We have to talk to somebody...I know! Ahou-kun can help us...We can have faith in him!" "I know, I was thinking the same...Let's talk to him" *In the meantime, Hano was just lurking around when he saw a pm from Rose and Iris* "Hey! Whats'up?" "Ahou-kun, we have very important things to talk to you" "*gulp* What's wrong?" Iris explained the situation to him... "Hmm...so what do you 2 think about this?" "I don't know..."Rose was hesitating "I don't want to make wrong theories"Iris was so firm when she said those words that Hano and Rose were surpeised..."I want to know th truth but I don't want to speculate before finding it" "Makes sense" Hano the stood silent for few moments "I know! We can talk to Chelsea! She told me that she learned few spells that actually works! "Okay, let's give it a try" *In the meantime, Koizumi Akako was bored and waiting for someone whom she could talk with when she saw a pm from Rose, Iris and Hano* "Chelsea, we need your help" "What happened?" Rose explained to her the whole story... "Hmm...I see...I'll do a teleportation spell so stay still a few seconds" "Okay" the three of them replyed The four of them closed their eyes, Miko-chan said some weird words and the four of them sudenlly felt a cold wind...Next second they found themselves floating in the air...When they opened their eyes, they couldn't said anything because they were to shocked "I-Iris?" asked Rose "Y-yes...could you be Rose?" "They are identical!!!!"screamed Hano "Well, well...I wasn't expecting these, but nice to meet you guys" "Yea! Nice to meet you guys!" and sudenlly Iris huged the three of them "Chelsea, Do you think you can do a spell and find where these 2 came from?" The 2 girls showed her the pendants "I'll try" After a few seconds, Miko sudenlly stoped... "If I try any spell on those 2 pendants, I'll die...They have a very powerfull spell put around them...Why don't you try and unite them?" The 2 girls unite the pendats and the leters RNF appeared "What could this be?" And then a bright light appered and swallowed them...The 2 girls found themselves traped in a place with a lot of images with castles and fire...Iris grabbed her head because she felt a sharp pain "Iris, what's wrong?" "I-I don't know...sudenlly...Aghhh" "I'm afraid that this pain is only the beginning" "THigs are gonna be a lot worse from now on" Two very known voice were heard...after a few moments, Kanaku and Edward appeared before the girls's eyes "Kanaku?" "Edward? What are you doing here? How do you got here? And why you two are wearing knight's costume?" "Because the two of us are your kngigts, Your Majesty" and the kneeled before them "What is going on here?" Iris was asking with a faint voice...then she colapsed because of the pain... Hope you guys like it Tell me please who are the next two characters I should put and either if you want to be in my story or not...I put to put 2 new characters from DCW every chapter Also I need 2 guys who want to be Kanaku and Edward... Waiting for answers and opinions Thanks again for reading it 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hopes 237 Report post Posted October 30, 2011 XD Aw, thanks for putting me in here~!! I like it. Good job! There are a few mistakes and seems a little fast-paced. Try to slow it down a little and add a bit more detail~! Keep it up~ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
-The Rising Angel- 48 Report post Posted October 30, 2011 Okay...I understand...I thought that the last chapter had too much details so I wanted to put less in this one to see which one is better...and Miko-chan, you're gonna be in other chapters too ...and I'm sorry for the mistakes >_< Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lovestruck 70 Report post Posted November 1, 2011 Few lil spelling mistakes.... And... Also YOUR chapters are very short! Its amazing! Write more I'm excited! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Amaranth 52 Report post Posted November 2, 2011 XD Aw, thanks for putting me in here~!! I like it. Good job! There are a few mistakes and seems a little fast-paced. Try to slow it down a little and add a bit more detail~! Keep it up~ This is like, the best advice I can give as well. And I'm trying to practice what I preach. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Aeyra 260 Report post Posted November 2, 2011 Try and put in some more detail, and fix up some of those typos. Too much detail doesn't exist in my dictionary! (fifty word long sentences describing someone's eyes? I write them all the time.) Try slowing it down as well, and inserting a more (whats the word) clear plot. It's kind of blurry to me. If you go too fast, you'll miss some key parts of your story. Personally, I feel you should have spent a longer time on the 'Prologue' (the princess thing). Why would the villagers revolt because the royal family had children? (needs more explanation) Why does this Rebel leader hate the family? The backstory you provide is the foundation you lay out- while it's a good idea to hide some of it and save it for later, if you don't lay down enough, your story can't support itself. Like Nobody said, I try to practice what I preach, so don't take this as me insulting your writing. While I'm not a big fan of this story, I do like helping other people improve by analyzing common mistakes I see in my own stories and giving others advice. So my consensus is: Okay plot, just needs more backstory. And more detail is a must. For detail, think about it like this. Can you see the story in your head? Describe it to me. Try your hardest to paint the image in your head to mine. That's my advice to improving. Detail. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Valkyrie 72 Report post Posted December 20, 2011 I agree with Aerya. There are some spelling mistakes and too little detail. Elaborate! Every little detail counts so just write it in! Slow down the story. You aren't in a rush so don't worry about making the story slow. Just make the story as meaningful as possible! Add in the details and it'll be fine. Emotions are part of details as well so add them in as well. :grin: I really like the story so keep on writing alright? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
