Shade (My Friend's Novel): Chapter 1

[hopes 237]

Shade woke up in his bed or at least he thought it was his bed. He looked around and realized he was in a room at the inn. He remembered stumbling in, bleeding badly from his left arm. The Dragon’s Head Inn. That was where he was. He looked around for his things. When he spotted a chest near the foot of the bed, he stopped and looked at it for a second before opening it. When he tried to open the chest, he found it stuck and each time he tried, the gash in his arm opened a bit more. He walked out of his room to go and ask the inn keeper for the key to the chest. She said he couldn’t take the key but she said that she’d follow him to his room to open it. What he found inside was astonishing: A set of 200 steel arrows, an elven mace, steel armor, and a bow of shadows.

I thanked the inn keeper and paid 10 gold for the room. I stumbled out the door feeling light headed from the loss of blood. I walked over to a familiar house and knocked on the door. “Who is it?” asked a woman’s voice.

“Sincerely I don’t know my self.” I told her.

Click.

“Oh, Shade, I’m glad to see you.” She said with a smile. “I haven’t seen you since, well since Charlie went off to join the Imperial army.”

“Ok, first of all I want to know who you are, and two I want to know who I am.”

“Shade, of all people you should know me, we’ve been married for 3 years now.”

I thought for a moment before saying anything. “Wait, so my name is Shade and you’re my wife, then why don’t I remember anything about you.”

“You have been a way a while so maybe something happened.”

“I guess. Do you have any idea why I might be home from wherever I went.”

“No, sorry I don’t.”

“Well I need to find the nearest town to the north, I think I might find something there.”

So I started north towards Featherstone after having slept in my house with my wife, Maddey, I found my way to the town trader and bought a few supplies with the remaining gold I had left. The road to Featherstone was a little longer than I expected it took about a day and a half to get there. I found an inn and stayed the night before I went out to find the latest gossip. According to the town guards a dragon was seen flying towards the north guard tower. I thought I heard a lot in the last few days but I guess I didn’t hear it all.

I went to the tower and ask the guard in charge if I could help. “Hello, I am here to help you.”

“Well we don’t need your help we are perfectly fine fighting the dragon on our own.”

“Well if you insist.” I said casually.

“Captain!” said a guard. “You need to get to the top of the tower, we have spotted the dragon.”

“Fine.”

I followed the captain up the stairs and waited at the top. When the captain saw the dragon he shouted for all the guards in the tower to get out and start fighting. I ran down the steps and pulled out my bow. My aim to everyone’s astonishment was perfect. I hit the dragon every time I let an arrow fly. After about 20 minutes the dragon lay near the tower dead. I went over and got as many scales off its body as I could. I thought about how tough these scales were and thought about making armor out of it. Thankfully they were light. I started towards Featherstone again to find an armory. I talked to the women standing behind the bar if she could make me a set of light and smooth armor out of the scales.

She said she would try, but it would take quite a while for them to be smoothed and it would also be a hefty price. I told her it was fine and that everything would be paid in full. I found a general goods stall and bought a map of the province. I had to find where the high king was. I just felt it was important. After the incident at the tower the guards would probably have told their general. They would probably not tell the general that I pretty much single-handedly took down the dragon.

I headed towards the town of imperials and while on the way I found a courier and told him to bring a message to the king of the territory and the general. Saying that I needed an audience with them. The courier asked who it was from and I told to just put down a friend. On the way I thought about what I should say to the king and the general. I thought about what to say about the dragon and about what will happen if there are any other dragons. I arrived on the first day of leaf fall. I found an inn and asked for direction to the castle from here. The inn keeper said to go past the blacksmith and continue right.

I followed the direction he gave me and ended up lost. Finally I asked a guard to bring me to the castle. “Why do you need to go the castle?”

“Because I have an audience with the king.”

“Very well, but if you’re lying then you’ll spend a bit of time in a cell.” He said with a crooked smile.

We walked towards the castle. He led me to the throne room. The king was arguing with a guard about the dragon at the tower a few days ago. “Excuse me your majesty, but he dragon was real.” I said as calmly as I could. “I took it down my self.”

“Please tell me this was the guy who outwitted all the guards at the watch tower.”

“Your Majesty, if I may but yes it was I. I was the only archer who could even hit it.”

“Th, th, the only one.” The king stammered.

“Yes sir.” Said the guard.

“I did what had to be done, but yes I was the only one.”

The king wanted me to follow him to his private hall and tell him all that happened. I went out on a limb and followed the king to his chambers and then told him entire story. I told him everything from the time I awoke in the inn, to the present. He told me I could stay in his castle for a while until I recuperated. So I decided it was in my best interest to stay for a while. The next day I decided to leave after the king woke.

I left on the morning on the first of summer. I thought about the new way of calling the seasons and didn’t like it. Well anyway I headed towards Reaverton to find any news about the dragon I killed. When I got there the town’s guards were fighting a brigade of bandits. I drew my bow, notched an arrow and let it fly. It hit a bandit square in the chest and he dropped. The other bandits looked around in confusion. I notched another arrow and fired at another bandit, a few seconds later he dropped. They finally spotted me when I killed another of their comrades. They charged, and while they were a few paces away I slung my bow and drew my sword. (I hated using it, but I felt I could instinctively use it.) I slashed at the first one who came at me. They all stopped and stared at their comrade. They looked at me curiously for a second before another bandit cam at me. His sword was like a whirlwind, he was slashing erratically. He swung once, I blocked, swung twice, still blocked. He was about to swing his third but was caught from the side by a broadsword. The other guards had a renewed courage to slaughter the bandits.

This is not my story. It belongs to my friend who wants feedback. Please comment about what you thought. He'd appreciate it! Thanks!

[anniemay 2]

Shade woke up in his bed or at least he thought it was his bed. He looked around and realized he was in a room at the inn. He remembered stumbling in, bleeding badly from his left arm. The Dragon’s Head Inn. That was where he was. He looked around for his things. When he spotted a chest near the foot of the bed, he stopped and looked at it for a second before opening it. When he tried to open the chest, he found it stuck and each time he tried, the gash in his arm opened a bit more. He walked out of his room to go and ask the inn keeper for the key to the chest. She said he couldn’t take the key but she said that she’d follow him to his room to open it. What he found inside was astonishing: A set of 200 steel arrows, an elven mace, steel armor, and a bow of shadows.

I thanked the inn keeper and paid 10 gold for the room. I stumbled out the door feeling light headed from the loss of blood. I walked over to a familiar house and knocked on the door. “Who is it?” asked a woman’s voice.

“Sincerely I don’t know my self.” I told her.

Click.

“Oh, Shade, I’m glad to see you.” She said with a smile. “I haven’t seen you since, well since Charlie went off to join the Imperial army.”

“Ok, first of all I want to know who you are, and two I want to know who I am.”

“Shade, of all people you should know me, we’ve been married for 3 years now.”

I thought for a moment before saying anything. “Wait, so my name is Shade and you’re my wife, then why don’t I remember anything about you.”

“You have been a way a while so maybe something happened.”

“I guess. Do you have any idea why I might be home from wherever I went.”

“No, sorry I don’t.”

“Well I need to find the nearest town to the north, I think I might find something there.”

So I started north towards Featherstone after having slept in my house with my wife, Maddey, I found my way to the town trader and bought a few supplies with the remaining gold I had left. The road to Featherstone was a little longer than I expected it took about a day and a half to get there. I found an inn and stayed the night before I went out to find the latest gossip. According to the town guards a dragon was seen flying towards the north guard tower. I thought I heard a lot in the last few days but I guess I didn’t hear it all.

I went to the tower and ask the guard in charge if I could help. “Hello, I am here to help you.”

“Well we don’t need your help we are perfectly fine fighting the dragon on our own.”

“Well if you insist.” I said casually.

“Captain!” said a guard. “You need to get to the top of the tower, we have spotted the dragon.”

“Fine.”

I followed the captain up the stairs and waited at the top. When the captain saw the dragon he shouted for all the guards in the tower to get out and start fighting. I ran down the steps and pulled out my bow. My aim to everyone’s astonishment was perfect. I hit the dragon every time I let an arrow fly. After about 20 minutes the dragon lay near the tower dead. I went over and got as many scales off its body as I could. I thought about how tough these scales were and thought about making armor out of it. Thankfully they were light. I started towards Featherstone again to find an armory. I talked to the women standing behind the bar if she could make me a set of light and smooth armor out of the scales.

She said she would try, but it would take quite a while for them to be smoothed and it would also be a hefty price. I told her it was fine and that everything would be paid in full. I found a general goods stall and bought a map of the province. I had to find where the high king was. I just felt it was important. After the incident at the tower the guards would probably have told their general. They would probably not tell the general that I pretty much single-handedly took down the dragon.

I headed towards the town of imperials and while on the way I found a courier and told him to bring a message to the king of the territory and the general. Saying that I needed an audience with them. The courier asked who it was from and I told to just put down a friend. On the way I thought about what I should say to the king and the general. I thought about what to say about the dragon and about what will happen if there are any other dragons. I arrived on the first day of leaf fall. I found an inn and asked for direction to the castle from here. The inn keeper said to go past the blacksmith and continue right.

I followed the direction he gave me and ended up lost. Finally I asked a guard to bring me to the castle. “Why do you need to go the castle?”

“Because I have an audience with the king.”

“Very well, but if you’re lying then you’ll spend a bit of time in a cell.” He said with a crooked smile.

We walked towards the castle. He led me to the throne room. The king was arguing with a guard about the dragon at the tower a few days ago. “Excuse me your majesty, but he dragon was real.” I said as calmly as I could. “I took it down my self.”

“Please tell me this was the guy who outwitted all the guards at the watch tower.”

“Your Majesty, if I may but yes it was I. I was the only archer who could even hit it.”

“Th, th, the only one.” The king stammered.

“Yes sir.” Said the guard.

“I did what had to be done, but yes I was the only one.”

The king wanted me to follow him to his private hall and tell him all that happened. I went out on a limb and followed the king to his chambers and then told him entire story. I told him everything from the time I awoke in the inn, to the present. He told me I could stay in his castle for a while until I recuperated. So I decided it was in my best interest to stay for a while. The next day I decided to leave after the king woke.

I left on the morning on the first of summer. I thought about the new way of calling the seasons and didn’t like it. Well anyway I headed towards Reaverton to find any news about the dragon I killed. When I got there the town’s guards were fighting a brigade of bandits. I drew my bow, notched an arrow and let it fly. It hit a bandit square in the chest and he dropped. The other bandits looked around in confusion. I notched another arrow and fired at another bandit, a few seconds later he dropped. They finally spotted me when I killed another of their comrades. They charged, and while they were a few paces away I slung my bow and drew my sword. (I hated using it, but I felt I could instinctively use it.) I slashed at the first one who came at me. They all stopped and stared at their comrade. They looked at me curiously for a second before another bandit cam at me. His sword was like a whirlwind, he was slashing erratically. He swung once, I blocked, swung twice, still blocked. He was about to swing his third but was caught from the side by a broadsword. The other guards had a renewed courage to slaughter the bandits.

This is not my story. It belongs to my friend who wants feedback. Please comment about what you thought. He'd appreciate it! Thanks!

Your friend is off to a great start! Tell him to keep going!

[Valkyrie 72]

This is a good start! Your friend should continue!

[Aeyra 260]

Since I'm in the mood... I'll critique.

1. The beginning shift in 3rd person->1st is a little too sudden. Keep it in first person if that's how the rest of the story is going to go. Unless you separate it with something, the transition is very rough and confusing. I read very fast, so changes like that are like snowboarding smoothly through snow and suddenly going down a hill of rocks. But it's an easily fixable error, so it should be fine once edited.

2. The 'familiar house' part is a little strange. There isn't enough detail on Shade's part to describe the pull the house had on him. It feels almost like its a random addition.

3. His wife's reaction is too mild. He's been home away so long, and she's been waiting, but it turns out he doesn't remember anything, not even who he is. A moment of acute shock would be nice, perhaps a sudden breakdown as well. That always add to the drama.

4. I noticed the curing of his arm wound isn't mentioned. He was bleeding pretty badly, and it seemed important, but it was forgotten after he left the inn. Any chance that we'll find out what happened to it?

5. He doesn't remember who he is, who his wife is, how he ended up where he is, but he remembers there's a town close to his up north. And once again, it's introduced almost randomly. Describe the relentlessly pushing impulse that drives him longing with desire to go to that town! It needs more than spur-of-the-moment description!

6. The captain gave in a little too easily to Shade's command. It'd be more interesting if he went against orders and killed the dragon in secret.

7. Storybook 'perfect aim' is hitting the dragon straight in the eye on the first shot and slaying it instantly. I think dragons are big creatures, and landing an arrow on it shouldn't be too hard for anyone with experience. The way the scene is described makes it hard to 'see', and makes it feel as if the guy isn't really too great if it takes him twenty minutes to dispatch a dragon with 'perfect aim.' It's one thing if he 'blinded it and sent it into a rampage... But still managed to land arrows upon its armored chest, repeatedly piercing the thick hide until the sharp steel tips finally bit into flesh, making their mark upon the dragon's heart, sending it crashing to the ground, dead.' and another if there's no description. The reader ends up having to make descriptions like that themselves. (though it is fun to write descriptions...)

8. How does this guy know he has enough money to 'pay in full' or is he bluffing? Does he have a bag of gold jangling at his waist, strung onto a stiff leather belt? Is he a sly trickster, trying to find a way to obtain the armor? I know it's probably option one, but still... I'd appreciate an explanation.

9. I think it's much, much, much harder to get an audience with the king. And an explanation for why Shade feels it's so important would be helpful because it appears to be another one of his random whims. The smaller components of this story are quite shaky at parts.

10. Why is the king so willing to believe a man who just strolled through the throne room? And again, I believe a target as large as a dragon is quite possible to be hit by any archer with some skill. If your friend would like to make it impossible, have him/her mention how fast the dragon flew, slicing through the air like an arrow, fire streaming our in torrents from its cavernous mouth and stuff of the like.

11. This part: "So I decided it was in my best interest to stay for a while. The next day I decided to leave after the king woke." <- These sentences are very contradictory. It's one of those 'So... Which is it?' moments. Choose one and stock with it!

12. What is the new way of calling the seasons? Us readers are left in the dark yet again.

13. Why does Shade want to hear news of the dragon he KILLED? Isn't it dead? Does he want to hear his praises sung throughout the land? WHY? (<- very important component of any story)

Yes, I was in a harsh critic mode.... But I personally get irritated when people just read over my story when I ask for critique and just go: "Great job! Keep it up!" It doesn't help improve my writing in the slightest, and while it provides encouragement, I find a nice, long critique keeps me motivitated for improvement. My honest opinion is that this story needs some polishing up and fixing, but my advice is to not give up. Otherwise, you'll regret it. (my Fanfics are rotting in my Notes app...)

[IdentityUnknown 216]

Aeyra's covered most. I'll just add in a few notes I noticed simply by glancing at the story.

First, as Aeyra said, way too abrupt of a change. Keep it in 1st person if that's the way it's going to be.

Second, more description. Description, description, description. It's almost all dialogue and no description.

Wife's reaction, as Aeyra noted, too mild. More emotion.

Fourth, a little unrealistic in certain parts that Aeyra touched on.

Odd formatting.

Too fast paced. The dragon slaying took up about three sentences. Isn't it supposed to be a little more difficult?

If I had time, I'd go through in depth. That's just what I noticed with a quick glance.

[Cindy-Chen 82]

It was good, but I got confused because of the 1st person/3rd person shift.

The dragon slaying should be longer, and more detailed.

But, overall it was a good idea and written well.

It sounds like Eragon....

[hopes 237]

Thanks so much guys! He just read it and you guys touched on most of the things that I thought. I'm trying to give him little bits of advice and such. ^^

Thank you again~

Wow, Aya-chan. I'm impressed. +1 for you!