The Child thief part 1

[anniemay 2]

May 14,1991 10:50 P.M (heist) unknown target

"Hey you stop!" yelled a policeman as he chased me down a long hallway.

I turned around and stuck out my tongue.

"Why you little!" the policeman growled and then tried to speed up.

"Don't let Kloak get to you!" yelled a older graying haired man next to him.

Soon I hit a dead end in a large nearly pitch black room.

Seconds later the police along with the light came in.

"So Kloak what are you going to do now?" the man huffed as he wiped his wrinkled forehead.

As he talked the half dozen other police surrounded me.

"Lets see... fly I guess," I replied smartly.

"Fly?!" the man gasped.

"Yup!" I chuckled slyly as I jumped above the circle of police.

The police charged at me trying to stop me from getting away.

Instead the police missed me and ran in to each other falling to the ground in a huge tangled blue and yellow mass.

I landed on top of the pile of police ran toward the nearby window.

"See you later Inspector!" I chuckled as I reached the window.

As I finished talking I jumped backwards out the window.

"Kloak!" the Inspector yelled as he ran to the window.

Then he looked up to see me holding on to a helicopter with one of my many scarfs.

"Darn it not again," the Inspector growled as he throw his dusty-gray hat on the ground.

That night it only took a half hour for me to complete the heist.

It would normally take more then a hour, because the Inspector doesn't give up so easy and he always brings an army.

May 15 7:45 A.M (home)

"Last night around 10:40 P.M Kid Kloak stole the..." a news-reporter on T.V reported and I watched with huge smirk.

"That Inspector will never catch this Kloak! No matter what he does," I chuckled to myself.

I put on my glasses and fixed my untidy brown hair.

"Tomi!" shouted a young girl's voice coming up the stairs as I put the comb down.

"Yeah Misaki!" I yelled and turned around to see a brown-haired girl standing in my doorway

"We're going to be late if we don't go now!" She yelled once again.

"Wha..it's that late already!" I gasped and turned the T.V off.

I ran pass her and down the stairs to get my bag and shoes.

Seconds later the two of us ran out of the house and down the street.

"Why were you watching the news anyway?" She asked as we ran down the street.

"I wanted to watch the weather but that was on instead," I told her.

"Yeah right! I've seen you Watching Kloak before, so don't lie!" She shouted and stood in front of me and glared.

I gulped trying not to look at her, but it was hard not to see her angry brown eyes staring at me.

"I'm not lying! I really was looking for the weather," I insisted.

She stomped off and I ran after her.

8:00 A.M (school)

Lucky for us that we made it on time, that is after trying to get her to listen to me.

I had to chase her half-way to school until she stopped in front of a old abandoned building, that once sold fish.

I yawned as I sat down and laid my head on my desk.

"You should go to bed earlier if you're always getting up sleepy," Misaki told me for the tenth time.

"I do go to bed on time even ask my mom," I growled in between yawns.

"Hi Akira," Misaki greeted a passing black haired girl with pigtails.

"Oh hi Misaki, hi Tomi," Akira replied as she sat down in desk next to a tall but skinny boy.

"Hi Akira," I said sleepily as I sat up and yawned again.

"You two heard about the Kloak's heist last night?" Akira asked us.

"Yeah! It's hard not to with Tomi watching the news every time he steals," Misaki huffed.

"I so don't," I growled as I rolled my eyes and put my head down.

That's the first part! please tell me want you think and if I have any errors.

Sorry for it being short, I promise to make the next part longer.

[Valkyrie 72]

Hey Annie-chan! I just read he story and I think it's good but I think you still haven't got a hang of the paraghraphing yet.

This is how you do it:

May 14,1991 10:50 P.M (heist) unknown target

"Hey you stop!" yells a policeman as he chases me down a long hallway. I turn around and stick out my tongue. "Why

you little!" the policeman growls. "Don't let Kloak get to you!" yells a man next to him. Soon we hit a dead end.

The underlined words are the tenses mistakes. In a narrative, all the tenses are to be in past tense. The senteces in italics are the ones you need to make a new paragraph. Whenever there is a diologue, you have to write the dialogue in a new paragraph. It is not a absolute rule but it's better.

So this is how it's supposed to be:

"Hey you stop!" yelled a policeman as he chased me down a long hallway.

I turned around and sticked out my tongue.

"Why you little!" the policeman growled.

"Don't let Kloak get to you!" yelled a man next to him.

Soon we hit a dead end.

As you can see, everytime there's a new dialougue, there's a new paragraph.

For the next part:

"...So Kloak()what are you going to do now?" the man huffs as he catches his breath. "Lets see... fly I guess," I

reply smartly."Fly?!" the man gasps. "Yup! See you later inspector!" I chuckle as I jump out() the nearby window.

"Kloak!" the inspector yells as he runs to the window. Then he looks up to see me holding on to a helicopter with one

of my many scarfs. "Darn it not again," the Inspector growls.

For this part, the underlined are again the tenses mistakes and the italics are the ones you need to make into a new paragraph. The bold brackets are the few other mistakes that I picked out.

For this part, it should be something like this:

"...So Kloak,what are you going to do now?" the man huffed as he catched his breath.

"Lets see... fly I guess," I replied smartly.

"Fly?!" the man gasped.

"Yup! See you later inspector!" I chuckled as I jumped outof the nearby window.

"Kloak!" the inspector yelled as he ran to the window.

Then he looked up to see me holding on to a helicopter with one of my many scarves.

"Darn it not again," the Inspector growled.

It should be something like this.

And as an extra comment- you should be more elaborative. Describe more. You need to explain more so the story makes more sense. Explain about Kloak's clothing in the beginning of the story so the scarves at the later part of the story won't seem so surprising.

Hope this helps! The story can really become a good one! Just work on the details and the paragraphing and the tenses and it should be fine.

[anniemay 2]

Hey Annie-chan! I just read he story and I think it's good but I think you still haven't got a hang of the paraghraphing yet.

This is how you do it:

The underlined words are the tenses mistakes. In a narrative, all the tenses are to be in past tense. The senteces in italics are the ones you need to make a new paragraph. Whenever there is a diologue, you have to write the dialogue in a new paragraph. It is not a absolute rule but it's better.

So this is how it's supposed to be:

As you can see, everytime there's a new dialougue, there's a new paragraph.

For the next part:

For this part, the underlined are again the tenses mistakes and the italics are the ones you need to make into a new paragraph. The bold brackets are the few other mistakes that I picked out.

For this part, it should be something like this:

It should be something like this.

And as an extra comment- you should be more elaborative. Describe more. You need to explain more so the story makes more sense. Explain about Kloak's clothing in the beginning of the story so the scarves at the later part of the story won't seem so surprising.

Hope this helps! The story can really become a good one! Just work on the details and the paragraphing and the tenses and it should be fine.

Thank you for the help Rin-Chan, don't know what I would do without you!

[Valkyrie 72]

No problen Annie-chan!

It's better now so just work on the description alright.

Oh yeah, a few more mistakes:

"Tomi!" shoots a young girls voice down stairs.

I don't know what that's supposed to be but I guess it should be 'shot'.

"Wha..it's that late already!" I gasp.

It's gasped.

"Why()you watching the news any way?" She asked as we ran out of my house and down the street.

Add in the are.

This part still have their tenses problem:

Lucky for us that we made it on time. "You should go to bed earlier if you're always getting up sleepy," Misaki

tells me for the tenth time. "I do go to bed on time even ask my mom," I growl in between yawns. "Hi Akira,"

Misaki greets a passing girl."Oh hi Misaki, hi Tomi," Akira replies. "Hi Akira," I say sleepily. " You two heard

about the Kloak's heist last night?" Akira asks us. "Yeah it's hard not to with Tomi watching the news every time

he steals," Misaki huffs. "I so don't," I growl.

The paragraphing needs to be fixed (italics) as well as the tenses. The bold 'Lucky' should be luckily.

That's as much as I can pick up now. Make the story more descriptive so it adds more 'feel' to the story. Good luck!