nis-aihara 15 Report post Posted December 29, 2011 This is my first time so, please tell me if there's something wrong. about the grammar too. here it goes. Chapter 1 Reveal hidden contents It was just a normal day at school. "Eh? A new student? A-Are you serious, Ayumi-chan?" said Genta with an suprised voice. "Yeah, while I was taking my book on Kobayashi-sensei's table, I heard her conversation with the other teachers" said Ayumi. "We haven't had a new student since Haibara-san, right?" said Mitsuhiko with an excited voice. "What else did you heard, Ayumi-chan?" asked Conan. "Em. . . I don't know, I just heard that she moved to so many schools before coming here." explained Ayumi. "She?" asked Genta. "Em. The new student is a girl." Kobayashi-senesei went in the class. "We have a new student in class today. I want everyone to be nice with her, okay?" She looks at the door and said, "Come in. Don't be shy." The blonde haired girl went in the class. She is wearing a dress and a necklace on her neck. She kept quiet for a while. She said with a stubborn voice "My name is Aizawa Hina. Nice to meet you." The whole class kept quiet. Genta whispered at Mitsuhiko's ear, "Geez, she so cold." "Don't be mad, Genta, I'm sure she's just shy." replied Mitsuhiko. "Er. . . Aizawa-chan, sit anywhere you like." She walked to the back of the class and sit behind Conan's place. "Okay, let's start our lesson now. . ." Ding. . . dong. . . It's already after school. Conan and his friends were walking home, talking. Then, they realised that Hinagiku is going the same direction as they are. Suddenly behind them, they heard Hina's voice. "Er. . . Can you. . ." They turned around. "Can you guys. . .come home with me?" Hina asked with a very shy voice. "O-Okay. . ." replied Ayumi. As they walked, Conan noticed the necklace Hina's wearing. "Em. . . Hina-san." "Em? What?" "The necklace you're wearing. I wasn't just a normal necklace, wasn't it?" "Oh, this? Actually this was my mother's necklace. You see this star shaped jade? She said it represents her hopes and dreams. But I still don't know what she meant. She said something else too. Something about hidden treasure." "Oh. . ." Suddenly, her tears flow down her eyes. "One day, my mother went to the store buy my birthday present. When I remembered about the necklace, I tried to ask her again, so I called her. When she answered the call, her voice was so soft I can't hear a thing. When dad came home he said "Hina, go to the hospital quickly!" so I followed him and when we reached mom's bed, it was too late. She already passed away." "Did the doctor know how your mom died?" asked Mitsuhiko. "I think they said something about drugs. When Reina came to the house, she said she was suspicious about my mom's death so she started to investigate. My dad died two days later." Hina stopped walking, wiped her tears and said, "Here it is. Come on." Hina's house is an apartmant. She lives at the 6th floor, room 612. She pressed the doorbell and a woman opened the door. The woman greeted her home happily, "Welcome home, Hina-chan! Are they you're friends?" "Yeah." Hina answered. "What are you're names?" "Edogawa Conan" "Yoshida Ayumi" "Kojima Genta" "Tsuburaya Mitsuhiko" "Haibara Ai" "Hina, ask your friends to come in the house." said Reina. Hina still kept quiet. "Hina?" She went in the house without saying anything. "Come in. And sorry about Hina-chan. She wasn't really happy when we decided to move here. Anyway, my name's Reina. I'm her sister." "Sister? But Hina didn't mention you're her sister." said Genta. "Eh?" "Yeah. She only mention about you came to her house and investigate her mom's death." said Mitsuhiko. "Oh, about that." She whispered to them, "Since our parents died, she felt she was alone and treated me like a stranger. I can't calm her down so I thought moving would be a great idea. But when I told her we're moving she started to cry and said, "I'm not moving! I don't want to leave mom! I want to stay!" Suddenly the phone rang. Reina answered the call and. . . "Hello, Reina speaking." Suddenly, with a shocked expression on her face, she said. . . "W-What? Who are you?" Chapter 2 Reveal hidden contents "W-Who are you?" "Don't you remember me? We made that deal about that blonde girl, didn't we?" "W-What are you talking about? What deal?" "You don't have to play dumb. You'll tell me someday right?" She kept quiet for a while and ended the call. Haibara whispered at Conan's ear, "Looks like she's hiding something." "Yeah. About the fact that she's Hina's sister and about Hina's parents." "But how'd nobody didn't know about the Reina's been lying?" "I agree but. . ." Reina interrupted them and said, "Okay, kids. You better go home so your parents won't be worried." Reina opened the door and the kids went home. As she close the door, she took out a paper from her pocket. She started to cry and her tears fell on the paper. It says : ----------------Wait for me. . . -------------------------Sign ------------------------------XXXXX The next day, while Conan and the others are taking his shoes out from their lockers, there's a letter in Genta's locker. Conan and the others read it. It says : ------------------Dear The Detective Boys, ------------------I need your help to solve a case about my sister. Meet me at Haido Park at 2:00 pm today. ------------------Hinagiku Aizawa That evening, they went to the place that letter says. They looked everywhere but they didn't found her. Ayumi saw a girl wearing sunglasses siiting on a bench. She went there and touched her shoulder. Ayumi asked her, "Hey, aren't you Hina?" She turned behind. She was quite suprised and said, "You're the girl yesterday. . ." The others saw Ayumi with a girl and ran to her. "Ayumi! Did you found her?" said Conan. "Yeah. She's right here!" answered Ayumi. "You guys, what are you doing here?" asked Hina. "Well, you sent this letter to us right?" answered Mitsuhiko "Oh, so you're the Detective Boys. So I don't need to explain it again right?" "What are you talking about?" asked Genta. "You heard Reina's conversation on the phone, about the deals. She answered the same call today. This time she said, "I understand. I'll go there immediately". When she send me to school today she said, "I won't be coming home today." so she gave me the key to the room." "Was she always like this?" asked Conan. "Yes. Each time we move, she'll say weird things on the phone." said Hina. "We should go to her house and find clues." said Genta. "You're right! Let go!" said Ayumi and Mitsuhiko excitedly. When they reached her house, the door wasn't locked. The house funiture and everything was arranged neatly. But Conan noticed something's wrong with the keyhole. It's full of scratches. He looks at Haibara and said, "Hey, Haibara. Come here for a while." Haibara went to the door. "Look, there's a lot of scratches on the keyhole." "Maybe someone broke in the house to kidnap Reina-san." "That's possible." They started to search around the house for clues. But they only found some old empty files. The telephone records are also empty. They decided to leave the room. Hina locked the door and try to find out what happended to Reina so they asked the neighbours. But they didn't know much about them. They stopped at a cake shop. "What are we gonna do? We couldn't find anything there." complained Mitsuhiko. "Maybe someone broke in the house and stole the real files." said Haibara. "What do you mean Ai-chan?" asked Ayumi. "Didn't you notice?" said Conan. "The keyhole are full of scratches, the door is also unlocked." "But the house wasn't messed up." said Mitsuhiko. "They probably didn't want the room to looks suspicious." said Haibara. They went out and suddenly they saw. . . "It's Reina!" "Huh?" "Look! It's Reina!" "We better follow her. You guys better go home. You too, Hina." said Conan. Ayumi, Genta and Mitsuhiko said : "But we want to help too!" "You can't have all the glory." "We're the The Detective Boys right?" "But you guys can't. . ." "They're right, we can't let this little detective here do all the work. Right?" "Geez. . ." So they followed Reina to an old hut. The hut is quite big. Conan peeked inside through a small hole on the wall. There are two men with her. One of them left with a motorcycle "When are we doing it, Kouto?" "I'm not sure. How about today? She's probably home now so it's a great chance." "It's Reina-san!" said Mitsuhiko. "Everyone wait here. I'll go to the door." said Conan softly as he ran to the door. "Conan-kun. . ." "Don't worry. I'll let you guys listen through the badge. If anything happens you can contact the police for me." He stand against the door. Waiting for a chance to catch them. As he wait, someone walked behind him and. . . "Ah!" "Conan-kun! Conan-kun! What happened there? Conan-kun!" "Beep" "It turned off. Don't tell me, Conan-kun. . ." Chapter 3 Reveal hidden contents "Ah!" "Conan-kun! Conan-kun! What happened there? Conan-kun!" "Beep" "It turned off. Don't tell me, Conan-kun. . ." The door of the hut opened. The man was holding Conan. Reina and the other man looked at him. "Oh, you're back." said Reina. "What's with the kid?" "I found him standing at the door. Maybe he heard your conversation." said the man. "What? You mean he heard it?" said the other man panickly. "Just tie him up and put him in that room. No one will hear him there." said Reina. Meanwhile, outside the hut. . . "What should we do?" said Ayumi. "If we call the police, they'll kill Conan-kun" "They found out about the badge too so we can't contact him." said Mitsuhiko. "Looks we don't have a choice." said Haibara. "We have to let them catch us." "Huh? You mean. . ." said Hina. "Yeah. If we can't call the police or contact him. We just have to let them catch us and rescue him there." "But how'd you do that?" asked Genta. "Okay, here's the plan." Reina came out the house and saw the kids. "What are you doing here?" The kids panicked. She took out her stun gun and shocked them all. Conan opened his eyes. "Where am I? Wait. I can't move. Oh yeah, someone shocked me just now." Beside him is Hina and the others, asleep. "Hey, Hina. What happened? Hey!" Suddenly Reina came in and closed the door. "So, you're awake. Now you can tell me right, where'd Hina-chan hid it?" said Reina. Conan kept quiet. "I said tell me! Don't you get that, brat?" He still kept quiet. Reina grabbed Conan and asked again, "If you don't want to suffer, can you tell me where she hid it?" Conan said, "I don't anything." "I warned you." She tossed Conan very hard to the corner of the room. "Does that hurt? You can tell me right, where is it?" "But I don't know anything." said Conan. "Maybe you still didn't know. Hina's a rich spoilt brat that lives alone without her parents. And the necklace she's wearing costs 5 million yen. I heard she hid 8 million yen cash somewhere here?" "So now you know right?" Conan still kept quiet. "Answer me, you brat!" She slapped and kicked and tossed him, asking the same question. His head started to bleed and he can't barely move. At the meantime, Hina and the others started to wake up. Reina grabbed Conan again and said, "I'll asked you the last time. Did you know where she hid it?" Conan still kept quiet. She threw him and he lost consciousness. They were really shocked of what they seen. Trying to wake him up they said, "Conan, are you alright? Conan?" "You better not wake him up. If you do, I'll keep torturing him." said Reina. Then the men came in, one of them said, "Reina, start the fire." "Okay." She took a bottle of oil in the room and spread it all over the house. After a few minutes, Reina came in the room again and said, "I'm here to say goodbye to you guys. This is the last time you'll see the world. I hope you're happy, accidently caught by a bunch of robbers." She went to the door and left the children. "But that not everything, wasn't it?" "What?" She turned behind and. . . "Oh, you're awake? I can't believe you could still talk. So, you knew?" "Yeah. About you and Hina. You're both not really sisters are you?" "Not at all." "You're also the murder of Hina's mother, right?" Reina was shocked and said, "How'd you know that?" Hina told us that "When Reina came in the house, she said she was suspicious about my mother's death and started to investigate." why are you suddenly so interested at it? You're not her daughter or any relationship with her." "Can't I be intrested in something? Just because she told you that doesn't mean I'm the murderer." "Can you prove it?" "Huh?" "Can you prove it? That Hina's your sister?" Reina kept quiet. "You also have a relationship with that men, right?" "Not really. They're just a few robbers working with me." "Really? So can I ask you something?" "What is it?" "How'd you know that Hina parents were murdered and not suicide?" Reina was shocked and she said, "You win, I was her mother's best friend but she never liked me. She was close only because the money. My family was quite rich, but she didn't have to be like that. She almost killed by putting a drug in my drink. Luckily, she drank it herself and was sent to the hospital. When I heard she was saved, I decided to disguise as a nurse and kill her. And about that men, one of them is my boyfriend and the other is my brother. I never thought you could find out. Who are you actually?" "Edogawa Conan, a detective." "Well great job. But sadly you couldn't reveal the truth. Cause you're gonna get killed today." She lit up a match and dropped it on the floor. She quickly ran away. The fire spreaded really fast. "Haibara, hurry, untie the ropes." Conan and Haibara untie the ropes. They left the room and ran. They kept running and found the door. "There it is! The door!" said Ayumi. "We just need to get out of here" said Haibara. Suddenly, the roof fell and Conan fell. Ayumi noticed it and turned back. "Conan-kun, does your leg hurt?" Suddenly Ayumi looked shocked. "What's wrong, Ayumi?" asked Genta. "Conan-kun, your leg. . . your leg's bleeding!" "There's a lot too." said Mitsuhiko. "Conan-kun, can you still walk?" asked Ayumi. He tried to stand and said, "I'm fine. You guys go ahe. . ." Suddenly, he fell. "Conan-kun! Let me hold you, okay?" said Ayumi. Conan weakly nodded his head. "I'll hold him too." said Haibara. They managed to get out of the hut. As Conan's consciousness drifted away, they contacted the police. A few minutes later, the police came and take them to the police station to do some questioning. Conan was also brought to the hospital for treatment. Reina and the two men are also caught. Hina was sent to an orphange and found out the treasure wasn't real treasure after all. But now she knew what her mom meant. The End That's it. I admit it sucks a little but please comment. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Scar Akai 65 Report post Posted December 29, 2011 Not bad....still far from okay though....better luck next time Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
IdentityUnknown 216 Report post Posted December 29, 2011 Critique. Reveal hidden contents Let's start with the obvious. First off, this is written play/script style, which I personally dislike in fanfics because it is meant to be acted out, not read. When you read it, you fail to capture the emotions and essence of what it means to write and to have a fanfic. I'm not opposed to the script style, but you'll need a lot more experience to be able to write it so that emotions, environment, and other factors that are crucial in fanfics and writing to come through. Some minor trouble with switching back and forth between verb tenses. In plays, stick with present. In most fanfics, stick with past. The entire story is rather rushed, go into emotions. Go into detail. Again, back with the script style, it fails to capture emotions unless you're REALLY good with words...and even then, it'd be a whole lot better if it was acted out. The girl, threatened, why? Where'd the man disappear to? Is Hina going to offer any sort of explanation? Conan's not the type to just let it go like that. Hina has to be scared...go into that. Small thing here...I believe it's unagi. Correct me if I'm wrong. Speaking of unagi...how in the world would Genta know that his unagi was getting cold if they were on the way back from school? The storyline is okay, but you'll need to add a truckload more detail and emotion to be able to make it work. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Valkyrie 72 Report post Posted December 29, 2011 Critique: Reveal hidden contents Firstly, this is not a fanfic. This is a script and all tenses should be present. Secondly, there are too many holes in the story and there are no emotions. To me, it's pretty monotonous. You got to write a story that would let a reader picture the entire scene his/her head. We are all DC fans here so we know what you are trying to imply but we are the one who are doing the details here. You are the one who should be doing the detail work as you are the author. You can't let us imagine everything up. Lastly, I am pretty confused if you are writing a script or a story. It actually looks like you merged them together. Quote On their way home. . . They were talking and then. . . "Hey you guys, step aside, step aside!!" They turn around but. . . If this is a script, it should be something like :They are walking home, talking. Hina: Hey you guys, step aside, step aside!! They turn around... It should be something like this in a script. The way you wrote it, it's a merge between script and story so it's a little confusing. The story should be fine but you have to add a lot of details and you have to choose between writing a script or a story. No such thing as in between. I suggest you read a play like King Lear or something so you can get a better view into what a script really is. Sorry if I seem harsh but it's better to know your mistakes than to continue doing them. From what I see, you can write a good story. Good luck for your next try. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
nis-aihara 15 Report post Posted December 30, 2011 OK guys i'll try to edit it. DONE! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Scar Akai 65 Report post Posted December 30, 2011 And BTW, for a a dialogue which contains a story, this is way too short. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
IdentityUnknown 216 Report post Posted December 30, 2011 Better, but this still needs a lot more description and improvement. It's also fairly short. You're missing quite a few punctuation marks which I suggest you fix up ASAP. I also find it odd that Hina would ask the DBs to come home with her and then act like she hates her home and doesn't want them there. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Samantha 7 Report post Posted December 31, 2011 There are some spelling/grammar mistakes in here. A few verb tense mistakes, too, but not a lot. The main thing is that it needs to be a bit longer, with more descriptions. Make it so the story is interesting, so the reader will keep reading. Describe Hina more! Maybe you could add a few notes on how she behaves throughout the whole day. We know she's quiet, but what else? What about physical descriptions? She's wearing a dress, but what color hair does she have? Is she tall for her age? Anything about her that seems suspicious or interesting? Hina randomly asking the DB to come home with her seems a bit....well, random. Out of place. It would be best if she got to know them better before she asks them over to her house. And wouldn't Ai at least be a bit uncomfortable? I mean, this new girl just arrives and she's asking the DB, including Conan and Ai, over to her house. They barely know her! Phrasing/word choice could be better, it sounds a bit choppy at times. Good luck. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
nis-aihara 15 Report post Posted December 31, 2011 OK. i'll try. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Valkyrie 72 Report post Posted December 31, 2011 Again, Reveal hidden contents The story is way too meaningless and the ending is really abrupt. There aren't much details as well. The plot is good, I have to admit, but you need to add more action and more details! Make the story come to live. By adding more details and more action, you can make the entire story seem real! The story is way too short as well. If you add more details and actions, the story will be longer and that is what most people want. Word choice needs to be better as well. Paragraphing as well. There are quite a number of punctuation and grammar mistakes but you can fix that easily. Take your time to write out the story. The general idea is good and with that, you can make a wonderful story! Just remember to add more description and actions. Describe the classroom; describe the dress Hina was wearing; describe the necklace especially as it is the focal point of the story here. Explain how exactly the necklace connects to the treasure and why Reina wanted it so much. All these details that are vital are missing from the story. Add in the details and actions and it should be alright. Description is really important and connection as well. Don't end the story just like that. The treasure is still missing from the whole picture and from the way I see it, the treasure is really important. How about the note? I am still missing the point of the note: Quote ----------------Wait for me. . .-------------------------Sign ------------------------------XXXXX Explain. Elaboration is really important when it comes to writing a story. You have a good plot. It's just that the description and elaboration aren't there, hence making it a little dull. Take your time and re-write it. This story has great potential. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
nis-aihara 15 Report post Posted January 5, 2012 arigatto. but i can't edit it now cause i got UPSR this year. . . sorry >.< Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Valkyrie 72 Report post Posted January 5, 2012 On 1/5/2012 at 7:41 AM, nis-aihara said: arigatto. but i can't edit it now cause i got UPSR this year. . . sorry >.< Oh.... Good luck! Work hard and you'll do great! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Silverbullet-kun 20 Report post Posted February 3, 2012 It's good but the ending went a bit quick. I like it. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Cindy-Chen 82 Report post Posted February 14, 2012 It's pretty good! ;D Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
tengaku squared 291 Report post Posted February 15, 2012 Skimmed over. On the borderline of whether to say it's somewhat good, or somewhat bad. Will do full critique later (if ever). Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
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