MelodyVongola 2 Report post Posted April 2, 2012 She look outside the window then turn at her feet which was cuffed to the bedpost. Sighing. She shot a glare on Gin who was sitting next to her. "Why must I be bound of something like this?" She ask him. "If I don't tie you with something. You'll run away." He simply said. Examining the Red-eyed beauty who was glaring at him while some of her golden hair falls from its disheviled form. "Who said I am going to run away?" "The Stake Out was a failed. Accept it now." He said to her and she just look away. "I told you, I can easily sniff that guy out and kill him! If only you would release me!" She snap angrily! "We got what we wanted from him. No need to go after him." "Shut up!!" She shouted, glaring at the Door as it opened up. "So, you are really cuff to the Bed as I heard." She glared harder at the new visitor who was now looking at her with eyes full of either mockery or sarcasm. " How pitiful." She continued, walking to her. "Wine." "I don't need any of your smart comment now, Vermouth." She snap at her, "Says someone who failed at a mission." Vermouth said as she shrugged. "Shut up." She sneered as she lie down. "Losing your touch as he leaves you." Her eyes widened slowly and she stiffen in shock. "Too Bad. Too Bad." Vermouth chanted, "Akai Shuuichi was never yours anymore." "Shut up!" She shouted, pulling out a Gun and shooting her hair! Grazing her face a bit as blood trickled down. "A Gun?" Gin ask, looking at her in disbelief. "How did you-" He slowly ask. He was sure that he got rid of all of her weapon. "Come on, Gin. A Gun is nothing but a pearl to her. She can hide it anywhere." Vermouth said. "Leave me alone!!" She shouted! "The two of you! Shut up and Leave me alone! Get out of here! Get out before I killed you both!!" She angrily screeched and Gin nodded. Pushing Vermouth outside. "You shouldn't have mentioned Akai Shuuichi." Gin gruffled as he walk away. "You should know it's a Taboo." Vermouth just smirk as she turn back at the Door, "Goodluck, Melody." 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hopes 237 Report post Posted April 2, 2012 Interesting. Is this a real world crossover? There were a few punctual mistakes such as "If I don't tie you with something. You'll run away." It should be "If I don't tie you with something, you'll run away." Also, is there a reason some words are randomly capitalized or...? Nice start. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Shinichi Kodou 12 Report post Posted April 2, 2012 Good day ! I gotta say this is an interesting start, I'm pretty sure it's gonna get even more interesting as you go on, however, there are some grammatical mistakes in some sentences, "look" I think it should be looked* etc. but again, as a start, this is great! since its ur first fic. please continue writing I'll be waiting for more! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
MelodyVongola 2 Report post Posted April 3, 2012 I'm sorry for the Grammatical Errors. :oops: It's not a Real World Cross-over, though. Melody is my favorite name and I often use her for my Fanfic which usually end up in secret. Up till now. Really thanks for the Wonderful Reviews. ^^ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
A L 217 Report post Posted April 3, 2012 Good but get someone to beta-read it. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
MelodyVongola 2 Report post Posted April 3, 2012 Eheheh... My hands seem to go on it's own. Again, this is my first Fanfic so please cut me some slack. :unsure: I was doing this for my own delusional self and possibly share it. Chapter 2 3 Years earlier, "Rye. You're back." Vermouth said as she the long haired Man enter the House. "Where's Wine?" He ask immediately. "Oh.. So it's true. About your relationship." He didn't reply instead she walk past her to find the Red-eyed beauty. "Why do you want her?" Vermouth ask but he still did not reply. "Rye! That woman...!" "No matter what you say, I love Wine." He said before a Door open revealing the said person. "You're back." She said with a smile. "Yeah." He said, lighting a cigarette. Then she angrily glare at Vermouth, "Why are you here, Vermouth?" "I was here to get a report from Rye. Order directly from Gin." She said, yawning. "Oh. Give her that, then." She said. "Leave before you contaminate the Air." She told her and the woman just smirk, "As cold as ever." "Just go away, thinking you are in the same room is enough to make me puke." She said. Crossing her arm as she turn at her Lover, who just walk to Vermouth and give the said Document. "You got what you wanted now, Woman. So Leave my House, will you?" "Sure. Sure. I'm going ahead." Vermouth said. Walking to the Door as she left. "When did that woman enter here?" She ask herself. "Anyway, Akai. Let's go?" She said, pulling him when he immediately pull her to him. Crashing his lips to her. "Akai?" She ask, looking at his cobalt stone eyes as he pull back. "I miss you." He said as he crush her in a hug. She just smile. "Mi Manchi." She muttered as she kissed him again. "Melody." He growled, kissing her back as deep as he pull her closer. "I love you." ============================== She believed those words. She believed him. But in the end, he uses her. Betray the Organization. Betray her. "Melody." "He didn't love me. He was never mine to begin with." She muttered. Looking up at Gin as he re-enter the Door then smirking, "Just like your very own Sherry." "Shut it, Wine." He said to her. Sitting next to her, "It's been 2 years, huh?" Gin started. "Since Akai Shuuichi left." "Can we drop that subject already?" She snap, looking at her feet. "Remove this." She told him. "Or else, that woman will be back again to look at me with such eyes." "I was always wondering why you call Moroboshi Dai, 'Akai'. Never known it was his real name." He said. "Gin. Stop this." She said, helding out a hand Gun, "Or else." She smirk. "Scoppio!" (Italian for Bang) "I leave you to sleep, then." Gin said and she just smile. " Grazie." She said as the cloaked guy stand up and left. She just smile and lie to her Bed. Maybe a Good Sleep will erase everything. How Wrong She was. ------------------------------ "FBI? Dai-kun is?" "Yeah. I'll be putting an end to it tomorrow." She felt like she was just splashed on by cold water and all the illusion vanish and brought her back to reality... Of course... Compare to her who's hand is all covered in Blood, Of course, he'll pick Akemi Miyano's hand... "I'm so stupid." Melody said as she slowly back away. There's no way he'll love me...!! 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Valkyrie 72 Report post Posted April 4, 2012 Rather good and I like where the story is going. Grammar mistakes are less but there are a few tense mistake as well. Is the story in past tense or present tense? And add more description. The story lacks color. Add details and make the story image seem more vivid. There is enough dialogue and I like that but details are more important. Good job anyway and keep up the good work. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
snowflake 41 Report post Posted May 1, 2012 I like the story... But why is door always capitalized? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
