theownerer 9 Report post Posted February 21, 2013 Note: Read the first part of this to understand the story. Link: http://www.detectiveconanworld.com/forum/topic/4359-reverse-the-mysterious-sky-chapter-one/ I casually walked out of the car and started my way to Mouri's place, the place of Kaito Kuroba. " Oh, welcome back...uh...I forgot to ask your name, so what is your name? " asked Ran, " my name is Kudo Shinichi, do you want to hear about my life story too?Okay since you asked me for my name, I am going to tell you my life story. " I said " A-ah...uh wait I don't want to hear your life story " replied Ran. " Raaan mooore beeeeer! Yoko-chan~ I love you~ " drunkenly said by Mouri. As I was following Ran, I noticed that Kuroba was nowhere, maybe at school, I thought. When Kuroba came home, he said '' I'm home! " sweetly, but when he saw me, his sweet cute little face quickly turned evil-like and he stared at me with hating eyes.When he and I were finally alone together, he said " who are you, why are you here? " I replied, " I'm Shinichi, Kudo Shinichi, and I am here because I want to be your dad's apprentice, I want to train under the Great Mouri Kogoro-sama! " "No! That's not the reply I wanted! Why are you really here? I don't want the stupid reply of ' I want to be your dad's apprentice, I want to train under the Great Mouri Kogoro-sama '! " He isn't great, and you know it, you know that I'm the one that knocks that fool out and starts solving the case for him, what are your true intentions?! " "Look out the window, Kaito." "Wait here Shinichi" Kuroba said while he took a look out of the window. He saw something that made his blood run cold - a Porsche 356A, Gin's car! As Kuroba saw this, I pulled out a gun; and shot him dead, I took his cellphone and phoned the FBI members, and told them that I had Kuroba captive and would shoot him if all of them didn't come to the Mouri Detective Agency with a total of 900 billion yen ($9681570000 in U.S. dollars). When all the FBI members had come, they saw that Kuroba was already dead and tried to pull out their guns, but I was faster , I shot them all,until they all died,including Mouri and Ran. To prevent anyone from ever entering again,I took the sign off the windows, and locked the door; forever. Please reply if you have any suggestions or anything. My favorite part of this story is the ending. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
OldJustal 36 Report post Posted February 21, 2013 I'm kinda confused .... need to read it few times more. You might want to use the "enter" button more , cause you wrote everything next to each other which makes it look messy. The end and the beginning is quite confusing, you might want to work that better out. You can also ask a more ecperienced writer to make your story better by editing it and changing the way you put it in a sentence. Also you might want to look carefully if you just copy paste at some places you forgot to put a space between it. If you correct it, it will be easier and nicer to read Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
theownerer 9 Report post Posted February 21, 2013 I'm kinda confused .... need to read it few times more.You might want to use the "enter" button more , cause you wrote everything next to each other which makes it look messy. The end and the beginning is quite confusing, you might want to work that better out. You can also ask a more ecperienced writer to make your story better by editing it and changing the way you put it in a sentence. Also you might want to look carefully if you just copy paste at some places you forgot to put a space between it. If you correct it, it will be easier and nicer to read You have to read the first part to understand the beginning and end, and i looked it over and i had spaces where i need them to be, if you're talking about the commas, then I don't usually put a space after a comma. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
OldJustal 36 Report post Posted February 22, 2013 "life story too?Okay" This part. If you did this it would read better : life story too ? Okay In my opinion that reads much nicer. But it is your choice to do it. But now I really like it, much better nice alinea's and the link is helpfull too ! Great job on the edit looks much nicer now Good job ! btw look at Akakata's fanfics, I love those Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
