Downfall of the Syndicate: Chapter 4

[Kiel95 86]

ok you guys, this has a lil bit of a love sort of theme to it... i mean there is no romance in it... but i mean it does have to do with love... you'll see what i mean, i hope y'all enjoy ^-^

~Tacticalwolf~

A man who looked quite old and had quite the large belly came to the front and said merrily, “Shinichi-kun, Ai-kun, Ran-kun! You’re all alright!”

“Kudo, you’re still alive,” smiled a dark-skinned boy around his age.

“What happened to you guys?” asked a blonde woman with glasses.

“Professor, Hattori, Jodie,” said Shinichi. He was happy to see them, so much that he was actually at a loss for words.

Then Jodie repeated her question.

Shinichi looked at Shiho with a, ‘What did just happen?’ look.

Shiho sighed and explained there encounter with Gin.

“What about you all? Why weren’t you responding?” Shiho then asked in return.

“Er, since about 10 of our men were wiped out we had no idea if the syndicate was listening in. So we decided not to respond to anything. And during the time we weren’t talking, we were in a heated hand to hand fight. I’m not even sure how that happened. I remember that one moment we were shooting them, the next, we were punching and kicking,” admitted Jodie.

“Any casualties during that fight?” asked Shiho.

“Only those of the enemy, but we do have a few injuries. We were looking for our nurse. Looks like we finally found her.”

The wounded were brought out the front.

Shiho nodded in understanding and began to care for them.

“Anyways,” interrupted Akai, “One more phase to go. During the battle I planted bombs in the confusion. It’ll blow in 2 more hours. Then we just have to get rid of the strays who survive the explosion.”

“Understood,” everyone said. They knew that they would storm the whole place at the explosion. Also that they had 5 minutes before the police would arrive. A phone had been set to call the police and play a recorded message at the same time the bomb went off.

Shiho looked at her watch, which was on timer mode, after taking care of the injured.

“I have about 1 hour left. It took too long for the bomb to be planted. I have no more temporary antidotes either.”

People were silent. They needed her in that form. It would be trouble if she turned back into a child.

As the silence dragged on, she then said, “I do have a full antidote…” she trailed off.

They all knew that she wasn’t sure whether to stay as a child or not.~Tacticalwolf~

Ran, still not completely comprehending said, “Take it then. I mean, what’s the point of taking a temporary antidote if there is a full antidote available?”

Shiho’s eyes hardened as she turned to Ran. She then said coldly,” I don’t want to hear this from you. I figure that you should have processed the fact that I’m Haibara Ai, and Sherry, a former member of those we are disposing of right now.”

Ran, then remembered both of the facts, but that didn’t explain much.

“Also, you women’s intuition should be screaming for me to stay a child.”

Everyone but Akai and Ran didn’t understand, including Shinichi who was as clueless as ever in this aspect.

Ran swallowed hard. “Y-you mean…” she started to say, but ended in a loss of words.

“That’s right. Yet I don’t want to be in the way, so I was going to stay as a child.”

Ran started to feel guilty. Shiho was giving up so much and she was feeling like she no longer wanted to persuade her to turn back. It was written all over her face.

Shiho sighed in understanding. “I can understand that you know that Edogawa Conan was Kudo Shinichi. So, now you can understand why it would take me a whole week before I would tell him that the antidote was finished.

Before anymore could be said, Shinichi grabbed her wrist and made her look him in the eyes.~Tacticalwolf~

“You had it for a week and you didn’t tell me?” he seethed. “Why would you do that? You know I’ve been dying to take it!”

She scoffed, “You’ve been waiting months. What’s another week in comparison? Besides,” she continued pulling out of his grip, “everything I do has a meaning. If you can’t figure it out then you’re just a stupid detective. Just like when we were practicing for the Kamen Yaiba play in that abandoned building, you really can’t understand a woman’s heart. Don’t you remember my next lines?”

He thought back to that time. It eluded him and she shook his head in exasperation. “I just don’t understand!”

Shiho sighed. Everyone else could understand, except the other person completely hopeless in love, Hattori Heiji.

Shiho then said softly, “Don’t try to remember Kudo-kun, there’s a reason why you don’t remember. You truthfully don’t want to. Things you would remember consist of the school play that you did with Ran. That should be one of the clearest memories of yours.”

Shinichi didn’t look for the hidden meanings in her words and said obliviously, “Yeah, I remember perfectly, but I don’t understand why that matters. I mean, I don’t think I could forget it even if it was an act.”

“Exactly, yet you forgot the one act we did together. I don’t expect you to understand. So please, stop trying to persuade me in different ways, or ask me questions or to do something. I’m not worth the effort.”

He didn’t fully understand but he still said softly, “Haibara…”

“It’s not Haibara,” she pulled back on an evil smile and her cold stare, “Sherry.”

People actually shivered. It almost seemed like she was distancing herself while using a more formal way of introducing herself.

Shinichi was slightly taken aback, recalling the first time he heard those words.

During the awkward silence Shiho gripped her chest and struggled to breathe.

Shinichi snapped out of his memories and hurriedly found her spare change of clothes.

People looked away as she shrunk, giving privacy, while Ran kept staring in slight horror.

Jodie tossed a blanket completely over Shiho.

Shiho pulled off her jacket and bit into it to muffle her screams.~Tacticalwolf~

When she was a child again, she sluggishly pulled on her clothes under the blanket, panting slightly.

“You ok Haibara?” asked Shinichi as Ai stood up.

“I’m fine.”

After this exchange it was mostly quiet. Some were thinking about the exchange that had just happened, while others were thinking about what had to be done next to rid the world of the syndicate forever.

Time moved by slowly. The whole time left before the bomb, people were preparing for the final battle.

When there was only 30 minutes left before the explosion, Ai made up her mind.

With eyes showing pain and sorrow, but face calm and composed, Ai said, “I’ll take the pill.”

[Scar Akai 65]

There's an error at the 8th line of the story. You typed there instead of their or something like that.

[Kiel95 86]

thanks, i saw that too while rereading it, but my laziness got the better of me

[Scar Akai 65]

haha

[Officer Kaoko 142]

->“It’s not Haibara,” she pulled back on an evil smile and her cold stare, “Sherry.”<-

That part really ripped me off! Evil~ It reminded me of how Haibara confronted Conan for the first time... I loved that part ~

Umm... so she decided to take the pill, huh~ that's cool . So, she's made up her mind? Awesome.

But I think this part was too much:

->Shiho’s eyes hardened as she turned to Ran. She then said coldly,” I don’t want to hear this from you. I figure that you should have processed the fact that I’m Haibara Ai, and Sherry, a former member of those we are disposing of right now.”

Ran, then remembered both of the facts, but that didn’t explain much.

“Also, you women’s intuition should be screaming for me to stay a child.”<-

Shiho was so hard and cold to Ran. Why? That breaks my heart. You may dislikes Ran, but Shiho doesn't (well, I think she use to be.). Wohoooooo...

Anyway, can't wait to read the next chapter!

[Scar Akai 65]

Shiho is just holding her anger ...

[tengaku squared 291]

So, anyway, I was slacking off on evaluations, so I decided to get moving again.

Your score is 83%.

80% to 91% (Great) - Stories here may have a few errors, but the story's a great read.

Starting Impressions: Maximum: 1 point

• Is it neat? (Sure) 1/1

Format: Maximum: 2 points

• Is the format concrete (does the story remain in 1st person, etc.)? If it is not, does the author give warning of a format change? (It remains in 3rd person) 1/1
• Does the format make sense for the story? (Yes) 1/1

Grammar & Punctuation: Maximum: 3 points

• Are there any errors? (None that I could find) 1/1
• Do they impede, or disrupt the story? (No) 1/1

Personality: Maximum: 3 points

• Do characters have any sense of personality? (Yes) 1/1
• Do characters's reactions make sense according to their personality? (Trust me, Ai/Shiho/Sherry would not go all cold like that again) .2/1
• Does their personality MAKE SENSE? (Um...not really. I'm sorry) 0/1

Plot: Maximum: 5 points

• Does it make sense? (Well, yeah, but...) 1/1
• Does it generate excitement, or otherwise spark interest in the reader? (Romance doesn't work unless there is action that goes along with it. Especially during war) 1/2
• Is there any order, however unobvious? (Yes...) 2/2

Overall Presentation: Maximum: 6 points

• Does it leave the reader overall satisfied? (Mm....not really) 1.5/2
• Does it leave the reader wanting more, or leave on a great conclusion? (The cliffhanger is decent enough) 1.8/2
• Does it show effort? (Yes.) 2/2

[Xenonkid 2]

it's got a few errors, but all i can say is that you shook the bones out of me from all the suspense i'm reading

[Kiel95 86]

it's got a few errors, but all i can say is that you shook the bones out of me from all the suspense i'm reading

hahaha, thanks