Officer Kaoko 142 Report post Posted October 16, 2010 The Brutal Loss N/A: This is the edited version of the ‘Brutal Lost’. The editing and correcting was all done by a faithful and trustful friend of mine… Tacticwolf! She kindly accepted my humble offer to edit this respectful work. And she has done an amazingly good job… she has corrected my mistakes I had done, and added more details to the story. If you have read the one before this, then I suggest you read it again and tell us your opinion of this edited version. And then, another member kindly corrected my mistakes, her name is… HalfAngel! She was very good at explaining where my mistakes were and I learned from them a lot. Thank you @HalfAngel! You should be my English teacher (LOL) P.S. Thank you both so much! ~oOo~ Summary: Haahh~ just find out yourselves…! I warn you to have handkerchiefs with you, in case you might cry… Characters: Shiho Miyano, Hiroshi Agasa, Shinichi Kudo, Gin (only name mentioned), Perry (I don’t know him, just name mentioned), etc. Genre: Tragedy, Romance, Friendship, Hurt/comfort, Thrill, etc. ~oOo~ One Shot, part 1: Shiho’s confession and Shinichi’s last moments… Abandoned building – 10:35 PM The building exploded and flames quickly spread out to every corner. Shiho looked around desperately, waiting in great suspense for Shinichi to come back out, having gone into the building to pursue Gin and Perry. Shiho couldn’t wait any longer. Her feet began to move on towards the building to check on Kudo, as if they had a mind of their own. “No, it’s dangerous!” shouted Professor Agasa as he grabbed her arm, preventing her from taking another step. “But Kudo-kun is still in there!” cried Shiho. “Shinichi-kun would manage to get away somehow,” he said, grief hanging on every word. He wanted to believe his words, but he himself didn’t trust what he was saying. He had been told by Shinichi not to enter the building no matter what happens. “Even if anything were to happen to me, you must get away from here. Whatever happens, don’t ever step inside the building… no matter what…! And prevent Haibara from doing anything stupid.” “But, he’ll die!” she yelled at Agasa. “They couldn’t rid of him that easily… I know him…” he said nervously. Agasa was worried too. He wanted to check on him, but he couldn’t leave Ai-kun alone. He took out his cell-phone and dialled the police headquarters. As Agasa turned his head to another direction, ignoring Agasa’s warnings, Shiho ran towards the building. Her heart beat fast; her breaths were coming in quick and rapid gasps, her eyes widened. She had a bad feeling; as if something was going to happen. The flames roared and licked the sides of the building as it grew bigger. Shiho tried to find an entrance in the mass of flames. Noticing a small gap in between walls, she moved carefully towards it, trying to avoid the flames. She surveyed her surroundings. There was only fire and flames spreading fiercely… nothing else, but smokes and ashes. Shiho coughed as she choked on some smoke… her eyes went red. She covered her nose and mouth with her arm. She began her search throughout the building. She broke into one of the rooms, but nothing but flames were found. Entering the second door she found more of the blazing fire and murky smoke, swarming fiercely and trying to take her in. One room after another, she found nothing, nothing but more flames… Then she heard something. Her heart did a flip inside her chest. What is it? The sound of loud breathing, grunting and coughing reached her ears. It had to be a person; nothing else could be inside the building except a person. She could only wonder… Could it possibly be him? Could it? The sound took place at the end of the corridor. It came from a room, not yet completely engulfed in flames. Her vision had gotten a bit blurry, but she still managed to run. She ran towards the room, flames almost lighting the rims of her shirt aflame. She prayed… she panted… she ran… until she reached the room with the voice. Nervously she entered. It was dead silent except for the crackling of the flames. The fire still didn’t reach its way through this room. Leaning against the wall, a teenage boy sat there breathing rapidly. Blood was running down his face. His clothes were covered with blood and dirt. His eyes were swollen. His body leaned helplessly against the wall. He gripped the left side of his stomach, blood pouring down over his hands. Sweat beaded his forehead as his face was twisting in pain. “Kudo-kun!” yelled Shiho as she recognized his face. She ran towards him, her face stricken with worry and fear. She held him in her arms, “Kudo-kun, are you alright?” she cried, “Kudo-kun!” “Ha- Haibara…” Shinichi muttered, “Why… are you here? I… told you—” “I-idiot!” she shouted at him, “Look what’s happened to you! You put yourself in danger and now look what happened…! You had no idea how worried we were…” “I- I’m sorry…” he croaked, “I was careless… they got me…” he said regretfully, “anyway, it’s dangerous here… hu-hurry up and get out of here while you can…” he coughed out blood, breathing in some air before finishing up his sentence, “You can still… make it…” “I’ll not go without you…” she said, “I’ll get you out of here… the professor had probably called the ambulance and the police… I—“ “No…” Shinichi murmured, “I’m dying…” he said with a bitter smile on his face, his swollen eyes closed, “they’ve got me in my vital organs… I know… I can feel it… I- will… never make it…” his voice fainted away for a moment. Shiho’s eye widened, her face looked so pale… she stared at Kudo, her eyes filled with terror and worries. “Now, go!” he told her tonelessly. He let go of her, forcing her to drop him. “N-no…” she said stubbornly, “you are coming with me…!” “… I told you already, didn’t I!?” he croaked desperately at Shiho, “I will die here…! And… that’s… final…!” he said, coughing. More blood came out. Before Shinichi could realize what was going on, Shiho took his left arm and placed it around her neck, and she put her right arm around his waist. Standing up, she helped pull Shinichi to his feet. “What are you—“ “I will not listen to your nonsense any longer,” she told him, she didn’t look at him, “I will- not let you die…” she muttered. The Flames grew wilder and began to enter the room. “Drop me…!” he whispered harshly at her, “I’m done here… *cough*… you will not make it out while I’m with you…! *cough* *cough* cough*!!” “Once… a proud detective told me…” She said to him, with a gentle and quite tone, “to never run away from my destiny… and I was stuck to those words… So you shouldn’t easily give up yourself… I have faith that one day, you will bring down the syndicate… you are the only one who can avenge Ran and my sister…” she then started forward, “I believe in you… I always did… you saved me from the darkness I was in… you changed me, your smile saved me… so I’m not afraid to die protecting you… because…” she swallowed hard, “…I- Love you…” Shinichi’s eyes grew wide as he heard Shiho’s last words. He was speechless. He thought he knew her well, but she loved him all this time. “We are partners, aren’t we?” she reminded him, “either we survive together, or die together.” She then began to move. The door she’d come in through was useless now, as the flames had already destroyed it. It spread itself fiercely out as it covered almost of the room. Shiho began to cough. Smoke were scattering everywhere now, making it hard to breathe and hard to see. “Hang in there!” Shiho told Shinichi, who began to cough from the large amount of smoke. She shook herself and then turned around. There was another door behind them. She sprinted to the door while dragging Shinichi. She wasn’t able to run because she was carrying him with her. So she tried to walk instead. She found it hard, because she was trying to avoid opening Shinichi’s wound at the same time. If she walked slowly the flames might catch up with them. But if she tried to walk faster, she might rip Shinichi’s injuries. Both options are risky. Shinichi watched Shiho hesitate; he knew she would never let him go. “Don’t worry about me…” Shinichi pleaded, “I- I’ll be- *cough* I’ll be just fine… *cough*! Hu- hurry…! Or the fire… will catch up… to us…” “O-okay…” Shiho nodded, not knowing what else to say. She hurriedly walked through the hall. More flames, more fire, more smoke, more ashes… All she could do was keep walking, preventing any fire reaching them. Shinichi was feeling more restless than ever. His wounds were hurting him like nightmare. His pulse was beating like crazy. His heart was pounding fiercely. His body had gone numb. Light was slowly fading from his eyes… “We will definitely make it,” soft words came out of Shiho’s mouth. “So, please just hang in a little…” Shinichi looked at Shiho with his dim eyes. Shiho was trying her best to get out of the place with him alive. “We’ll get out of here,” she kept saying, “and once you’ve recovered, we’ll pursue them again… but next time…” she said softly. And then she turned to him, “we’ll do it together…” As Shinichi was about to react, a large piece of wood with fire broke off and threw itself in their direction. Shiho didn’t notice till Shinichi grabbed her and jumped out of the way. “What-” Shiho was shocked by the sudden action. She didn’t realize anything till she was thrown out of the way. She looked at Shinichi where he lay. He was groaning in pain. “Kudo-kun!” she rushed to his aid, “Are you alright?” “Y- Yeah…” Shinichi croaked, “some-somehow… at least… I’m s-still alive…” he smiled weakly. “Anyway, the situation has gotten pretty serious now,” Shiho said, helping Shinichi up, “we must get out of here as soon as possible.” It was true, she could see fire and flames scattering around them like mad. It had gotten very hot. Smokes had gathered itself around them. Everything went blurry. What shall I do now? Shiho thought. She was desperate, if only she could get Shinichi out of here. “Go- go to the… left…” panted Shinichi, “its… clear…” Without a second thought, Shiho rushed to the direction Shinichi pointed. She walked and walked… more flames… more smokes… everything almost caught up with them. Shinichi felt like he could pass out any moment. It was entirely filled with flames and fire and smoke, but then… Shiho gasped as she was something from a far distance… it was a glimpse of the outside light! “We are almost there…” gasped Shiho to Shinichi. Who was coughing out smoke and struggling to breathe. Shiho walked as fast as she could, trying her best to ignore the fire, but it was difficult… some flames almost caught up to her clothes. The exit was getting nearer. Shiho was desperate. But as soon as they was about to reach the exit, Shinichi felt something… it was his detective instinct. He could hear a crack… a sound only he could hear… something was strange… Krrrkk…! What was it? The noise made him nervous… Clak! If only he could identify where it came from… Thuk… crrrrk… “Look! *cough*cough*” exclaimed Shiho, “we are almost there *cough*cough*!” It was only a few paces away. Even Shiho was feeling uneasy now. She had inhaled too much smoke. But she was delighted somehow knowing that they would soon be out. She struggled as she sped up her step. “Crack!” snapped the sound. Shinichi noticed it this time… very clearly indeed. He glanced up to the ceilings. Yes… it came from the ceiling! The ceiling looks like it was about to collapse any moment now… crack… snap! The pillar supporting its roof was cracking, making itself to bend in a weird direction. Crap…! It’s going to fall on us, thought Shinichi weakly. They were almost there… Shiho was exhausted as her step became slower and weaker. She panted and was craving for clean air. She too felt like she’s going to pass out at any moment. Shinichi was worrying about the ceiling as it looked as if it was going to fall off any second. Now everything became slow… it might have even seemed like the slowest moments in Shinichi’s life. “Thank you… Haibara…” Shinichi croak-whispered in Shiho’s ear, “and… forgive me…” Snap! Without a moment of hesitation, Shinichi took a grip of Shiho’s waist… “What are you—“ Before Shiho could stop him, Shinichi, with his last bit of strength, threw Shiho out from the building’s entrance. And that was when the most tragic moment happened… the ceiling making its last snap, collapsing suddenly… Shinichi was taking in his last breaths, standing there with a sad look on his face. He smiled bitterly at Shiho, who was just getting back some of her senses, as she glanced over to the collapsing building. Shiho’s face was so pale, her eyes growing wider and wider as the collapsing building was falling un-relentlessly on the boy who she wanted to protect the most. Waruina… Haibara… Shinichi glanced at Shiho for the last time… as the flames were falling fiercely at his useless body, I didn’t notice till now… how you felt about me… You were a faithful partner… Thank you for everything… Shiho ran towards the location to help out Shinichi… but it was of too late now… Shinichi’s body had already been buried in flames and the building’s wreckage… flames were roaring brutally, like telling her it will swallow her if she went there. The last thing Shinichi felt was searing pain all over his body, yet he no longer cared. He wished he could have been there to still support Shiho, but he was happy to finally be reunited with Ran. A small smile played on his lips, before he was consumed completely by the fire and his life was taken from his body. Farewell… Haibara… echoed the final voice of Shinichi’s thoughts… I leave everything to you… “NO!” cried Shiho, tears covering her eyes… she slowed down her pace… and she soon fell to the ground… unconscious… ~oOo~ “I found a young lady over here!” yelled a man. It was a fire-fighter. “I think she’s just unconscious… she has some minor injuries though! Hurry, bring the stretcher!” “Ai-kun!” Professor Agasa ran towards Shiho worriedly. “Take out the fire there,” said one of the men, pointing at the location where Shinichi was buried. “I- I found a lad!” said one of the men. He helped the lifeless teenage boy out of the wreckage. “How is he?” The man shook his head in disappointment, a cringe appearing on his face, “… he’s gone…” ~oOo~ A/N: 50% credits goes on me... and another half all goes for HalfAngel and Kiel ... Thank you so much ladies for kindly editing my work! I hope you continue to enjoy my stories... Credits Disclaimer: I don't own Detective Conan, all characters here belongs to its respective author... Gosho Aoyama. Author of this Fan-Fic: Editors: @kiel & @HalfAngel Original Author of this story: Gosho Aoyama. 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Scar Akai 65 Report post Posted October 16, 2010 not bad. An error on the 3rd sentence//waited// Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Officer Kaoko 142 Report post Posted October 16, 2010 not bad Akai-kun, what's with tiny winy review ! How am I suppose to know if it's good or not of you just wrote 'not bad'! Hah!? I've been waiting for a nice-long review, and then you just give me two words of 'not bad'!? All I can figure out that this story is not bad in your eyes ! At least give me some nice opinion of what you think of this story! You came and say 'not bad'? Not bad my back !! Why am I feeling so ridiculous today ... It's all because of you... 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Scar Akai 65 Report post Posted October 16, 2010 Okok... I was just testing your respond . It is basically smooth but the story is a bit dtraight forward. You should've added a flashback right before you ended the chapter. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Officer Kaoko 142 Report post Posted October 16, 2010 Okok... I was just testing your respond . It is basically smooth but the story is a bit dtraight forward. You should've added a flashback right before you ended the chapter. EVIL! I knew you were up to something... but, what kind of flashback ? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Scar Akai 65 Report post Posted October 16, 2010 Like maybe: "Shiho... I...I should've listen to you...earlier.'Whispered shinichi as shiho was limping towards the exit. "No... Everything you choose is always the best." Cried shiho, trying to make shinichi know that she wasn't lying about her feelings towards him. Shinichi sighed as the scenes that happened that day started to flash into his mind. Earlier that day, Shinichi .....blablabla Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
J3nny 22 Report post Posted October 16, 2010 Pretty good Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Scar Akai 65 Report post Posted October 16, 2010 DK! In ur face! I'm not the only one using 2 words.mwahahahahahaha!!! Jk Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Officer Kaoko 142 Report post Posted October 16, 2010 DK! In ur face! I'm not the only one using 2 words.mwahahahahahaha!!! Jk Akai-kun ! Yeah, you got the point . BUT, I'm not very familiar with some of the members here ... it would be rude if I just spout of and 'yell' at them like that... I know you quite well now ... so hehehe ... Pretty good Thank you for your comment. But it didn't help me that much though. All I know is that it's 'Pretty Good'. 'Pretty Good' my face ! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kiel95 86 Report post Posted October 16, 2010 oi oi, don't be mean to my kaoko~chan! anyways, my turn for a review! ok so bout grammar and stuff, not meaning to be harsh, your tenses kept changing, one moment it was in the past, then the present then the past again... it was a bit confusing... anyways, it was def a good story! i luvs it so much! luckily i was able to choke back the tears... TT.TT or not... also, i think that this would have been a better story if shiho was the one to die off... even if i'm a shiho/ai fan, i really don't think that shinichi should be killed off... i mean, i think more emotions can be portrayed by shiho dying then by shinichi dying since he shows his emotions more than she does... she can act impassive about it and i just dont see her... well.... i just dont see her able to act completely heartbroken and torn up in front of others, and it doesn't really say that shinichi loves her... he never says it, even in the end... its more like a one-sided love story since we never found out whether he really likes her or not >.< it was still really really really good! i luvs you for the story! the hakubaxshiho fic should be done soon! just trying to fix it up since its so hard! i just can't grasp hakuba's personality well!!! anyways, keep writing and i'll keep reading! if you ever want me to edit your grammar and such (i may mess up on spelling, but that's cuz i'm not really going over every little itty bitty detail) but if you ever want it done, just send me the story and i'll fix it up, and possibly add in a few adjectives or something and send it back to you for review! anywas, loved it! thank you kaoko~chan *hugs* 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mysterious girl 3 Report post Posted October 16, 2010 great job!! i agree with tacticalwolf about changing the tenses but that didn't stop me from reading ur story! anyway gud luck in writing the 2nd chapter!!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Scar Akai 65 Report post Posted October 16, 2010 Hahahahaha....and good luck with the funeral. lol Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Officer Kaoko 142 Report post Posted October 16, 2010 oi oi, don't be mean to my kaoko~chan! anyways, my turn for a review! ok so bout grammar and stuff... Oww, that was awesome review Tacticwolf-chan! Thank you for standing in for me ! *sob**sob*, you are so nice and adorable , I <3 you...! Yes, this story was done in a rush. I wanted to edit it before posting it. But I thought it would be better to post it now before the connection is to cut off again. I think I should have reread it, exmaine and correct the mistakes again before posting it on the web . Oh my goodness, I couldn't wait for you folks to see it, so yeah... I should had been patient next time. And about the story... What? You'd preffer Shiho to die? Why? Okay... next time I write a tragic story, it would be for Shiho to die. Well, yes Shinichi never shows it, because he only views her as a good partner and maybe one of best friends. Yeah, it's more like a one-sided love... but I like it that way! It's just like in 'Naruto', a one-sided love. Hinata loves Naruto, but Naruto never realise this, he'd only liked Sakura, and Sakura loves Sasuke... and Sasuke doesn't respond to her love for him. And I loved the part when Hinata confessed her love to Naruto when she was protecting him from Pain... that was so touching! Ran had died not long before, and Shinichi had lost all hope to live... he'd had been desperate to avenge her... the hastiness had led him like that. Shiho was really sad for his loss... and had sympathy towards him... No, you are wrong, Shiho will show it, just look forward for the next part! I'd be a big funeral in Tokyo¬ Sometimes, I just liked one-sided love... because, it's sometimes kind of touching and very sad (only some I know of). Oh, really, Tacticwolf-chan? Would you like to edit this story (grammar) for me? Oh I couldn't thank you enough ! I'll be sending you the file later by mail. You write better than me, so I would be delighted having my story edited by you! Thank you again! No, I wouldn't mind you adding things in the story... like more details, more action, and more thrill! Aww, and I thought you had gived up on that story! Thank you Tacticwolf-chan... I love you even more now! I could not wait to see it! Thank you! *Hugs* Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kiel95 86 Report post Posted October 16, 2010 yep no problem! can't wait to read the next one... i must admit, one sided love stories can definitely be more thrilling, and sometimes i even contemplate writing a one sided love story for shiho x shinichi... but then... its like breaking my heart to do so, if i was asked to i would, although i'd probably be like all depressed while writing it lol anyways, i forgot that Ran had died, and since it is one sided for shiho since shinichi loves ran, i can see that he wouldn't really mind dying... anyways, can't wait to read the next part! *hugs* Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Shinichi Kodou 12 Report post Posted October 17, 2010 MY DEAREST SHINICHI DIED :'( :'( :'( RIP GREAT DETECTIVE :( THE WORLDS GONNA MISS U :( well, i must say this was so touching it made me cry :'( i luv u shinichiiii ... the plot is well organized and the style its great u only have some grammatical mistakes in the tenses u should stick to one tense wen writing a story .. if u need any help in that im ready again its a really goood 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Officer Kaoko 142 Report post Posted October 29, 2010 The story had been edited by Kiel and HalfAngel . Please read it again and give out your opinions, the edited version that is! Please enjoy~ I hope you all like this edited version. All mistakes are cleared off! And I learned from it... thanks to Kiel and HalfAngel. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kiel95 86 Report post Posted October 29, 2010 lawl ^-^ can't wait for the next part Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Incognito 34 Report post Posted October 29, 2010 I've finally read one of your stories. This isn't going to be a long review, too, 'coz all I want to say is: Keep on writing! 'nuff said. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Shinichi Kodou 12 Report post Posted October 29, 2010 just re-read it! its even better now,tenses are fixed and more adjectives are added thats an amazing one thanx to u, kiel and halfangel for this great edit hope u learnt from it Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Scar Akai 65 Report post Posted October 29, 2010 Not a big difference.. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
syllablebray23 0 Report post Posted November 1, 2010 wuaa ~ It's very good senpai ! I cried ~~~ wuaa ~~ whoa, wait .. Ran-chan died ??! when ?? How ?? uwaaah ~~~ Anyways; It's really, really GOOD.. BETTER. BEST ! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Officer Kaoko 142 Report post Posted November 1, 2010 wuaa ~ It's very good senpai ! I cried ~~~ wuaa ~~ whoa, wait .. Ran-chan died ??! when ?? How ?? uwaaah ~~~ Anyways; It's really, really GOOD.. BETTER. BEST ! Thank you so much Syllableray23 for reading my Fan-Fic! Yes, Ran died... I'll explain it later in more details (in part 2). So be sure to keep an eye on part 2 of The Brutal Loss! I'll be sure put my all effort into it! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Aeyra 260 Report post Posted February 26, 2011 I <3 dramatic angsty death scenes, call me sadist if you want but I'll still love them forever. I loved this! but you should have gone more into detail about Ran being dead, one sentence isn't going to hammer it into our brains. I'd have loved to read the details of that scene (Shinichi screaming, Ran crying, desperate attempt at revival, Shinichi crying... *sigh* that would be awesome.) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Xenonkid 2 Report post Posted March 27, 2011 the story was really tragic and sad... can't cry though coz' i kept crying from our graduation tribute and when we went home, i cried 1.5 buckets of tears...... all in all, it's a good story Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
