loove 0 Report post Posted January 11, 2011 (Tokyo is in danger) :-D The first chapter .. The first part ... Secret on the verge of exposure In a dark room, the light emitted is small, renewed hopes of small hearts, hearts and eyes staring at a screen filled with letters and symbols ... Cine: Kudo, I did it .. Conan: Exactly, the first step to the rhythm of their ... But hey .. Is not this a. .. ............................? __________________________________________________ ___ Knight sat in the school among his friends before the start of the school day, Oko and his girlfriend come with newspaper Filled with news (Kaito Kid) Oku: you just, I do not know people did not like so-called "Kaitokid", it is not only a thief to steal things Precious, leaving some dazzling tricks .. Knight: And but what re-steal, so he is not evil as that of the ..... Oku: Do not try to convince me then you are no different from that thief in something Knight (confused): M. .. M. .. What do you mean? Oku: You know very well what I mean, you not only know how to do magic movements just like him .. Knight: H. .. hah, Forget his order now Oku: I wish you could Grab him one day, then Q .... Enter the class, "parameter: Haio Knight medal .. Knight: haaay .. Parameter: You have a guest, Sir Knight, the parameter referring to a person standing out: Please enter please ..... (Hear the small steps, moving, and everyone opens their eyes of surprise when they see this person) > Knight screaming and thought he had seen the beast .. Girl of the Chapter: Heye Look it a small child Boy: Hey, I saw him by the Girl: Yes, it's the boy who accompanied Detective famous "Mori Kogoro" ((Knight approaching steps of Conan angry and concerned)) Kid: What are you doing here, the ..., e ... Hah, I mean ... who are you, O gentle child, it is the first time I see them ..! Conan: no need for such actions, you know who I am well, even more than everyone on what I think., Listen, what do you think that talking quietly abroad, is not it better for you? Or do you want me to talk fluent here .. Haah Knight: Never even think about it .. Conan: If you prefer to from here please .. Kidd (his friends): H. .. Hah, it's annoying nephew, wants to play Ppalarjouhp, I'll be back soon .. Outside the school building, and free standing in the garden Conan and Kidd, Conan: International Criminal Number ... 1412 Code ... KID , Was arrested recently by the Metropolitan Police, if you think of this title for the newspaper tomorrow? Knight: Mmmm .. Do not you see me that title (Aidugawa Conan, a child of primary school, he knew from an unknown source that Detective from high school, "Kudo Vinci") is the best?? Conan: If you are threatening me to reveal a secret if I reveal your identity Knight: Completely Conan: Well, I should note that if the organization would not let you and your business then Knight: aaah, I know it carefully, but the interesting thing is that I see in Detective confused Conan: I know that I should know if your identity since a long period of time, but I covered up you all this time. Knight (Msthbla): ooh really, if I have decided today to reveal to the world my true Conan: Mmmmmm not Knight: Why will not tell the police? Conan: To move that I need your help Knight: ooh, Detective great need to help the thief now, and what makes you sure that I will help you with? Conan: Bsark in the face of my knowledge, you know the secret too, so you will not benefit it ,.... But, I had something I was looking for since many years .. Knight: What is this? Conan: To start from the beginning of the story, just yesterday, I was able to get on the list of members of the Black Organization and current veterans, Knight: M. .. Hey, I'm what my income this your organization? Conan: here comes your turn, (Conan come out and printed paper) Read .. Knight: (Name: Milord Dawei Mission: Spy) M. .. What is this? He was my father's name .. What happens here Conan: Yes, I've found your father's name among the names of former members of the organization Knight: If you mean that .......... Impossible Conan: This is the truth, it was your father a member of the organization's members ... Knight: If you're threatening me to expose the secret of my father and my family to implicate ... Conan: Never, this is not the objectives of him, this is the work of the bad guys like .. I have attached to the side of your father's name additional information .. You believe that your father is evil, is not it?,,, But I hear what I add information about your father (Millward, who was working in the Black Organization, he discovered that a double agent for the intelligence of federalism, was working undercover among the members of the Organization for the benefit of U.S. intelligence and was leaking information about the organization, and has been corrected it to kill him in 1990 before the collapse of the organization, and was done by "Jane "a current member of the gang) Knight: and,, the parents of a double agent in the federal intelligence .. Impossible, did not tell me one of my family about this before now Conan: Are they crazy and even offer their son's life at risk?? .. I hear .. That the killer, and your father is a person who search for it I, too, and help you to arrest me on the organization, would retaliate for the death of your father .. What do you think? Are you with me? Knight: .......................................... Conan: Hoowi, Kitoowo Knight: aa .... Yes, I'm with you Conan: Haieye, what your absent-minded Knight: No, I was thinking only of my father, finally I had the opportunity to retaliate Conan: But remember, revenge will be only the arrest of the organization, there will be deaths, torture is real to them keeping them in prison as long as possible. Knight: The killing of human life is the last thing I thought, do not worry I'm with you, I will do anything, so ask what you want Conan: If the first thing I ask of you is we will all meet tomorrow at my house, this is the address (from the second zone (Pekka) atheist home and twenty) Knight: Well, if your home tomorrow, see you there, Jana __________________________________________________ ______ Part II: Kid in the hands of the organization .. Five o'clock pm, Pekka area, home Iusaka Kudo .. Knight: And what do we do now, do you have a plan? Conan: Mmm, so far ... No, but the main idea of any plan will be caught red-handed in the presence of the police, because we can never do anything alone .. Knight: Do you know where their headquarters is located? Conan: No, they are changing their place among the period and the other If they feel any danger of running out for them and contribute to the exposure, may be in any place, building, TV, newspapers, press, or even in a small shop downtown. ~ Cine intervention and is suddenly gasping definitive modern heroes! Cine: for ... I have ... I have found the current headquarters of the gang ..... Conan & Knight: Really, where? Hiebera: in the basement under the old primary school capital .. Conan: Oh well done cine Kidd (concerned): You must plan for the embargo applied to them, then they can not escape .. That any action that may stray us lose our evidence and clues Cine: even more .... Have us lose our lives, they are stepping up surveillance at each point, what to do? Knight: You may watch the earth .. But they do not watch the sky Conan: What do you mean? Q Do you .... Knight: Just .. Cine: What do you think? Knight: In the White Basie, and using the two sailing, Sotir over the school, and I will take a listen ... This option may give us some information about them and their operation for the following .. Cine: But ... This is a risk, you may ............. Conan: cine, it's our only hope, as we help it, it will not be alone .. Cine: It is only me I have seen how to deal with from watching them, finish it with one shot .. Knight: Do not worry, I'm skilled of Isiboni .. Cine: Ialtoadek, seems to be only hope, if well .. Good luck __________________________________________________ _______________ Tuesday, midnight Conan: Kidwo, do you hear me well .. Knight: clearly, the transmitter that works well Konan: Where are you now? Knight: I am after three school buildings of the capital Conan: Well, you can start now Knight: Well, Kudo-kun ~ Wish me luck Conan (worried): I wish you success in your mission, we are counting you _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ Knight: We have approached the scene selected, the scanning device being activated Cine: I have reached is Knight: Sachgl eavesdropping device now Cine: Gary capture sound waves {The next victim will be in celebration of the annual anniversary of the establishment of hotel Suzuki} Conan & cine: Jane! {Vodka: Oniki, the radar picks up an object next to us} Conan: Damn ..! Kiidowo, away from there right now Knight: What? Do not hear you very well .. Conan: cine, what happens .. Cine: K. .. Kudo-kun,, that the rain falls Conan: What is impossible .. Will not be able to fly in these circumstances, it inevitably Simeskun, Kidowo, away from there quickly, Kidowo Knight: Ko ... AST does not ...... Air ....... .... Stretch ..... ..... Fallen, code ...... Conan: Damn, you still cine scanning device works? Cine: Yes, it's far from them slowly, hampered by rain Conan: Damn, that area almost empty, it will be Calverisp easily caught in the desert .. Knight: Kuo ...... E .... On ........ well .... Kuo Wu Conan: Try to do something, that the transmitter intermittently Knight: ..... Well ...... _ _ _ _ _ _ _ Knight: Can you hear me now? Conan: Yes, where are you now? Knight: I'm stuck in the air, I can not fall because of rain Conan: You do something, I Altqtok on the radar Knight: I know I have heard them well, I'll try that .. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah Conan: Kiduowoowoowoowoowoowo, what is going on? Cine: It's Jane, I was shot, was hit in the hand Conan: Oh, my God, why now, Kidowo, Are you okay? Knight: Aaah, my arms, I can not control the plane {Jane: It's unfortunate that the victim would die long eye} Shots from a pistol Jane Conan: Kidowoowoowo Knight: I have hit the plane, it's come down Beyeeye, Aaaaaaaaaaaah Conan: Damn,,, we need to do something, now Transmitter Knight: .............................. Transmitter Knight: {Jane: Ohhhh, it seems that white has Hmamtna Assistant, Come and save your friend if, Hahahahahahaaaaaaaaa} Waited more .......................... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kiel95 86 Report post Posted January 11, 2011 s-sorry, i don't get it... i tryied to read it... but i got so confused... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
loove 0 Report post Posted January 12, 2011 I do not understand? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kiel95 86 Report post Posted January 12, 2011 well, the whole story... it seems to be mainly dialogue... and most of the people.. are people that aren't in the actual series, not only that, but there isn't much of a setting right now, and so i'm confused who the people are, and where they are... also, the dialogue isn't easy to understand either... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
loove 0 Report post Posted January 17, 2011 what ? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kiel95 86 Report post Posted January 17, 2011 what ? umm.... too confusing nothing makes sense Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
tengaku squared 291 Report post Posted January 19, 2011 Um...it's been rare since I never do this, but frankly, i give this a thumbs down. Like Kiel said, it makes no sense! And who's the knight? You even spelled Kudo wrong! No storyline, no organized plot.... With great pain, I have evaluated your story... Your score is 13%. Lower then 15% (Terrible) - Stories here...I probably haven't read to the finish because of my extreme disgust. Starting Impressions: Maximum: 1 point Is it neat? (Enough) .5/1 Format: Maximum: 2 points Is the format concrete (does the story remain in 1st person, etc.)? If it is not, does the author give warning of a format change? (It remains in script format...) 1/1 Does the format make sense for the story? (Nope. Not too much...) .5/1 Grammar & Punctuation: Maximum: 3 points Are there any errors? (This story is a minefield...) 0/1 Do they impede, or disrupt the story? (They very much disrupt the story) 0/2 Personality: Maximum: 3 points Do characters have any sense of personality? (A little is not enough...) 0/1 Do characters's reactions make sense according to their personality? (No...) 0/1 Does their personality MAKE SENSE? (Absolutely not!) 0/1 Plot: Maximum: 5 points Does it make sense? (No!) 0/1 Does it generate excitement, or otherwise spark interest in the reader? (If I cannot understand it, it cannot be exciting to me...) 0/2 Is there any order, however unobvious? (There is no order in the plot.) 0/2 Overall Presentation: Maximum: 6 points Does it leave the reader overall satisfied? (I feel like I'm going to barf....) 0/2 Does it leave the reader wanting more, or leave on a great conclusion? (Uh, no!) 0/2 Does it show effort? (A tad...) .5/2 Total: 20 points. I'm sorry, but I cannot find many positive things to say for this. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
