Into the World of DC 5

[hopes 237]

Well, here's chapter 5! Hope you like it!

My heart started to beat a million times a minute. I couldn’t believe it! What the heck we’re Gin and Vodka doing out here? I ducked into the shadows and peeked around the corner. Kami-sama, I hope I don’t get caught!

“…where that kid is,” Vodka was saying. “We need to find Edogawa Conan, the brat with glasses who hangs out with Mouri Kogoro.” My blood chilled. Crap, this is not good.

“Heh.” Gin muttered. “I don’t see why that person wants this kid.”

“Hm. Who knows?” Vodka shrugged. “We’re supposed to capture the kid and bring him to the Boss, though.”

I couldn’t breathe.

“Well, I’ve heard a lot about this brat.” Gin sneered. “Apparently, he’s Kaitou Kid’s greatest rival. And, he seems to always attract murders.”

Conan sneezed. I swear, he thought. Somebody better not be talking about me being a body magnet.

I couldn’t stand to listen any longer. I have to tell Conan! I thought. Besides, I have no intention of being caught and used for a new victim to APTX 4869.

I turned and ran to catch up to the shrunken detective and his girlfriend.

“Hm.” Gin narrowed his eyes.

“What is it Aniki?”

“Apparently, we have a little rat.” He sneered.

“Wh-what?” Vodka sputtered. “Who was it?”

“It was a female. Five feet tall, teen, black hair.”

“Let’s kill her.” Vodka started to pull his gun out but Gin stopped him. “Aniki?”

“No.” Gin’s eyes glinted. “That person said that a girl with that description arrived here. The orders were to bring her in with the Edogawa brat.”

Vodka put his gun away grumbling. “Should we tail her?”

“No.” Gin puffed his cigarette. “We should wait a couple of days. To see how the girl interacts with the kid. But we will spy on them. Let’s go.”

I dashed up the street panting heavily. I didn’t see Kudo or Ran anywhere. I didn’t dare call out their names in case I was being followed. I kept going and a minute later I saw the Detective Agency. I sighed in relief. I opened the door and walked up the stairs. I opened the first door, after I had climbed a few stairs. I peeked in.

“…should go look for her,” Ran was saying. “Miyuki might’ve gotten lost!”

Conan was trying to calm her down. “Don’t worry, Ran-neechan. Miyuki-neechan knows where she’s going.”

I walked in. “Hey. I’m here.” I set down my bag. Conan and Ran looked up at me.

“Oh, thank goodness your okay!” Ran cried. “I thought you were lost!”

I smiled. “Thanks for your concern Ran. But, I managed to get here. So, when do I get to meet the famous Sleeping Kogoro?”

There was a man with black short hair and a small matching moustache sitting at the desk in the room. He had been watching a small TV that was blaring music. Okino Yoko, I guessed.

He looked up at me. “Ran, who the hell is this?”

Yay! I hope you guys like it! Any comments? Arigato!

[Kiel95 86]

<3 it!!! can't wait for the next chapter! good luck! I'm rootin for you to do a great job and write an amazing story (Don't worry, your basically there already! amzingly awesome!)

[tengaku squared 291]

Oh , God. How did I miss this?

Yeah, the usual complement, "Great job!".

Will I be waiting? You bet?

(I may start being a critic for fanfics here...)

[Kiel95 86]

Oh , God. How did I miss this?

Yeah, the usual complement, "Great job!".

Will I be waiting? You bet?

(I may start being a critic for fanfics here...)

i critique and edit stories if ppl need me too ^^ no offense, but if i had to critique this, i would say, take it a bit slowler... i think that everything is happening too fast... but either way it's quite good!

[tengaku squared 291]

If I must evaluate this...hmm...maybe this is the chance to try out my critic sheet:

Your score is 85%.

80% to 91% (Great) - Stories here may have a few errors, but the story's a great read.

My comments:

1. The grammar is greatly improved.
2. Your story is descriptive enough, and well told in the 1st person format.

Now for some bad news:

1. The cliffhanger is a tad...weak.
2. Grammar errors are present; they don't effect the story too much.

• Starting Impressions: Maximum: 1 point
  
  • Is it neat? (Sure.) 1/1

  Format: Maximum: 2 points

  • Is the format concrete (does the story remain in 1st person, etc.)? If it is not, does the author give warning of a format change? (Yeah...) 1/1
  • Does the format make sense for the story? (Yeah.) 1/1

  Grammar & Punctuation: Maximum: 3 points

  • Are there any errors? (Sure...) .5/1
  • Do they impede, or disrupt the story? (Nope!) 2/2

  Personality: Maximum: 3 points

  • Do characters have any sense of personality? (Conan doesn't seem to show his personality too much...besides the body magnet...) .5/1
  • Do characters's reactions make sense according to their personality? (Meh...Gin's reaction does not) .5/1
  • Does their personality MAKE SENSE? (Sure.) 1/1

  Plot: Maximum: 5 points

  • Does it make sense? (Like Kiel said, take it slower) .5/1
  • Does it generate excitement, or otherwise spark interest in the reader? (Gin's entrance is a tad weak...) 1.5/2
  • Is there any order, however unobvious? (There is an order...) 1/1

  Overall Presentation: Maximum: 6 points

  • Does it leave the reader overall satisfied? (I liked it...) 2/2
  • Does it leave the reader wanting more, or leave on a great conclusion? (Ending with Kogoro is not a good cliffhanger...) 1.5/2
  • Does it show effort? (Of course!) 2/2

  Total: 20 points.

By the way, suggest any ideas for my critic sheet. It is not perfect.

Should I add some categories, redistribute points? etc.

[Cindy-Chen 82]

Nice job, as usual!

[OldJustal 36]

This chapter was less good than the other chapters ...

But still great !

I agree with Moho with the bad cliff-hanger part .