hopes 237 Report post Posted February 2, 2011 Well, here's the next chapter. I wanna thank xXLeration for all the criticism! I hope you enjoy! Well, here we go again! I grumbled in my head. I smiled. “Hello, Mouri-san.” I said, bowing. “My name is Edogawa Miyuki. I’m Conan-kun’s older sister. I’m visiting from America. Pleased to meet you!” Conan and I snickered at Kogoro’s expression and dropped jaw. Ok, I’ll never get sick of the reactions! “Wha- Brat- sister?” He sputtered. “Yes, Dad.” Ran giggled. “This is Conan-kun’s sister Miyuki-chan. She’s going to be staying with us a while.” “WHAT? I can barely support just you two!” Conan and I rolled our eyes. “Ojiisan,” Conan whined in his most childish voice. “Please, please let Miyuki-neechan stay here! I haven’t seen her in forever!” Ran glared at Kogoro. Then, she punched the wall. “DAD?” Kogoro looked nervously at his daughter. “Su-sure.” “YAY!” Conan and I yelled. “Thank you very much, Mouri-san. Or should I call you Ojiisan now?” I grinned. Kogoro sighed and went back to watching his dear Yoko-chan. “Sure, whatever. You're sleeping in Ran’s room, though.” Ran and I both nodded. “Ok. Let me get your stuff for you.” Ran offered. She walked out of the office up the flight of stairs. Conan and I followed her. “Oi, Shinichi.” I whispered. “I need to talk to you.” Conan nodded and we went to his and Kogoro’s room. It was a pigsty. There were beer cans and litter all over the floor, except for a small space where I guessed Conan slept. “What is it?” He asked quietly. “When I was trying to catch up for you after we left Hakase’s,” I started to explain. “I saw Gin and Vodka.” Conan looked shocked. “What did you do?” He asked sharply. “I decided to eavesdrop. I was really careful, unlike you at Tropical Land.” He grimaced at the memory. “I listened and they were talking about the Boss. They said he has orders for them to capture you and bring you to the guy.” Conan’s mouth opened and he was speechless. “What?” he gaped. “Impossible! They couldn’t have figured it out…” “No.” Conan looked up at me. “I doubt that’s it. Maybe they want to recruit you or something.” His face hardened. “Well, in any case, we should be on the lookout. Are you sure they didn’t see you?” “Pretty sure. Unless it was after I left.” “Gin must have noticed something. He’s too smart not to.” “Be extra careful. They could do anything. Oh yeah,” I added. “Let me have your phone number just in case something happens.” The shrunken detective nodded and we exchanged numbers. “Miyuki-chan! Conan-kun!” We heard Ran calling. “Come on! It’s time for bed!” “Oh, crap.” “Now what?” Conan asked me. “What am I supposed to do about school?” “Damn it.” He swore. “Well, I guess we sign you up for middle school.” “Hm. Oh yeah.” I remembered. “I wanna meet the Detective Boys!” Conan gave me a strange look. “Really?” “Yup!” He sighed. “Well, tomorrow, I guess. But seriously, Chelsea. Be on the lookout for anything.” I nodded solemnly. “Conan-kun! Miyuki-chan!” “Coming!” We both called. “Good night.” I hope it was okay. Please tell me what you thought! The next few chapters will get better! Tell me if you want the next chapter, all of them are written already. Arigato~ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
tengaku squared 291 Report post Posted February 2, 2011 Well, here's the next chapter. I wanna thank xXLeration for all the criticism! I hope you enjoy! Who is xXLeration? (You make me feel so warm inside...) Your score is a neat 80%. 80% to 91% (Great) - Stories here may have a few errors, but the story's a great read. Starting Impressions: Maximum: 1 point Is it neat? (Sure.) 1/1 Format: Maximum: 2 points Is the format concrete (does the story remain in 1st person, etc.)? If it is not, does the author give warning of a format change? (The format remains the same) 1/1 Does the format make sense for the story? (First person format would be better...) .7/1 Grammar & Punctuation: Maximum: 3 points Are there any errors? (Very small errors) .9/1 Do they impede, or disrupt the story? (No) 2/2 Personality: Maximum: 3 points Do characters have any sense of personality? (Yes) 1/1 Do characters's reactions make sense according to their personality? (Ran would likely not allow you into her house overnight if she is still on formal terms with you) .2/1 Does their personality MAKE SENSE? (Uh...somewhat) .5/1 Plot: Maximum: 5 points Does it make sense? (You know, if you found the BO; you wouldn't be planning about school) .5/1 Does it generate excitement, or otherwise spark interest in the reader? (Why do you think I am still reading your fanfic?) 2/2 Is there any order, however unobvious? (The story somewhat blurs when you transition) 1/2 Overall Presentation: Maximum: 6 points Does it leave the reader overall satisfied? (The story is filling) 2/2 Does it leave the reader wanting more, or leave on a great conclusion? (I, of course want to read more, however the cliffhanger is weak again...) 1.5/2 Does it show effort? (Yes, as usual) 2/2 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kiel95 86 Report post Posted February 2, 2011 that's pretty good ^^ i like it so far... i'll def keep readin as you keep posting ^^ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
tengaku squared 291 Report post Posted February 2, 2011 that's pretty good ^^ i like it so far... i'll def keep readin as you keep posting ^^ I will too! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Cindy-Chen 82 Report post Posted October 30, 2011 Wow....these stories are really good! I'll keep reading! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
OldJustal 36 Report post Posted November 6, 2011 Copying Moho ... Your score is 87% which is awesome in my scale. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
